There are no ceremonies or rituals for divorce or being left. When there is a death, we have traditions. Friends know to send condolences, bring food, attend services, and offer help.
What’s a Friend to Do?
But when a marriage ends, we are often unclear what to do. The silence can feel almost as painful as the loss itself. There are good reasons for this – we are afraid of saying the wrong thing or making everything worse.
Long ago, I remember being so shocked when a friend told me her husband had left that I almost blurted out, “What did you do?” Luckily, I recovered quickly and said, “What can I do to help?”
When it happened to me – when my 60-year-old husband told me he was leaving because he wanted to have babies – friends blurted out all kinds of explanations:
“Maybe he has a brain tumor,” one said.
“He’s having an affair,” announced another.
“Clearly, it’s a nervous breakdown.”
“He’s had an affair, and she’s pregnant,” one decided.
“Perhaps it’s a urinary tract infection. You know, elderly people can have psychosis with UTIs.”
This last theory came from a much younger friend who thought of 60 as elderly. I forgave her.
Being Close By
Don’t avoid your friends because you feel uncomfortable. Divorce can feel like a death – the death of a future, of a shared story.
My closest friends dropped everything and showed up within hours with bagels and cream cheese, vegetables and dips, grape leaves, deli meats, fruit, fancy cheese and crackers, dark chocolate, and four flavors of ice cream. It helped me understand I was in a period of mourning.
My best friend called me multiple times a day. Sometimes I wanted to talk, and other times I just wanted to hide, but she kept calling to remind me she was there. There was no fixing this – it was all about being present.
Prepare to Listen – A Lot
You will hear the same stories, repeated endlessly. It’s the way humans process trauma. You don’t need to offer great insights or pearls of wisdom; you just need to listen. And if it gets boring or overwhelming (and it will), just be clear but not rejecting: “I only have two minutes left to talk right now. We can talk again at 4.”
Try to Keep Your Judgments to Yourself
After my husband left, people wanted to know what happened. What went wrong? Was he cheating? What signs did I miss? Didn’t we ever talk about him wanting kids before? How was our sex life?
I understood. Loss is constant, yet it is a huge fear. We all want to believe we can be immune to it if we do everything right. Love and attachment are a gamble. Each person we love takes a little piece of us, and then they are careless, forget to look both ways, drink too much, or climb mountain cliffs. But keep the judgments minimal. The end of a marriage or long-term relationship often feels like a failure.
Help Them Find Support
Encourage your friend to talk with a therapist or help find a support group. Friends can listen with love, but they cannot carry it all. A gentle way to frame it is: “It might help to have one hour a week just for you, where someone else is holding this with you – no expectations, no pressure.”
Get Specific with Offers of Help
When someone is in shock or grief, vague offers like “Let me know what I can do to help” often fall short. Instead, try: “Can I take your car to the repair shop?” or “I’m heading to the grocery store – what can I bring?” or “I’ll come walk with you Saturday morning.” Practical ways to lighten the load in ways your friend may not even have the energy to ask for.
You’re Not There to Provide Advice
Resist the urge to give advice unless asked. Simply sitting with your friend, letting her speak (or cry, or sit in silence), reminds her she is not alone.
Simply Be Present
Divorce often comes with sudden isolation. Extend invitations – to coffee, a walk, a movie, or even dinner with couples. Don’t assume your friend wants to stay home. And if she says no, ask again another time. The steady rhythm of inclusion helps rebuild confidence and connection.
Support usually fades after the first few weeks, but grief doesn’t follow a timeline. Keep checking in.
We may not have rituals for divorce, but we do have each other.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Have you supported a friend through divorce – or been supported yourself? What helped most?
