Do you ever feel like your inner voice is not your best friend? Do you find that voice telling you that whatever you’re doing, you’re doing it wrong? My inner chatter is often telling me that I’m not doing ‘it’ right. It doesn’t matter what ‘it’ is – doing a task, helping someone to do something, even just trying to meditate.
I used to think that I was alone in this and that I was just flawed and hopeless. Then I started working with other women in workshops and discovered that almost all of us do this one way or another. It is painful to realize how many of us believe these negative voices in our heads.
And once we hit the age of about 55, many women claim that the voices get even louder; and a big new message is added: It’s too late, nothing will ever change.
When I look back, I realize that I received plenty of negative messages growing up and that I accepted the messages which told me I was doing something wrong, or that I as a person was flawed in some way. And these messages created new neural pathways which became embedded in my brain.
Some Background on Neural Pathways
A neural pathway is the way that information travels through the neurons, or nerve cells of the brain. We create new neural pathways every time we hear or experience something new. The more we experience something, the more embedded this pathway becomes, and unfortunately, a lot of us have some very negative messages firmly rooted in our brains.
Once those neural pathways are deeply embedded, changing them is not an easy task.
Is there a way to overcome the negative stories that we once heard and now continue to tell ourselves? Is there a way to shift those pathways so that they are less destructive?
Forming new behaviors and habits involves creating new neural pathways.
And we are never too old to do this! It just may take a bit more time.
Creative Positive Reframing
There is a practice I use which brings about changes in the neural pathways. I’ve coined it: Creative Positive Reframing. This practice can help take limiting beliefs and creatively transform them so they become supportive rather than destructive.
You can reframe your thoughts and create a new perspective. Try using these five steps:
Pay Attention
Pay attention to your thought process. You can tell if the thoughts are self-defeating and destructive if they negatively impact your body; for example, a knot in your stomach or a lump in your throat, clenched jaw or tight shoulders. Scan your body to check in. Observe/pay attention to what thoughts you want to change and why; what is the negative impact on your life?
Get the Negative Out
Nature abhors a vacuum. When you cannot get out of a negative thought spiral – write it out. Get it out of your head by emptying it out on paper. Think of it as an emotional enema! Write about all the negativity spiralling around in your head. Allow a stream of consciousness to flow and let it all come out. Write it out as it comes.
If you feel stuck, write about feeling stuck. If you can’t get moving, draw lines or Xs to get the energy moving, and then as negative thoughts come up, write them out. Keep writing until the thoughts stop coming. And then tear the paper up. Burn it. Stamp on it. Get rid of it!
Shift Your Focus
Interrupt your thoughts and patterns when the negative thoughts arise. Use your imagination – think about something positive, create a positive scenario. Create a specific plan and choose what to do instead of dwelling on the negative thoughts.
Negative self-talk can be replaced by focusing on something positive. Doctor Rick Hanson did several studies on ‘Negativity Bias’, the brain’s natural tendency to focus on the negative instead of the positive. He states:
Our brains are wired to take in the bad and ignore the good. That’s why it’s easier to ruminate over bad things than to bask in the pleasure of the good things in life. Because of the brain’s negativity bias, we’ve evolved to learn quickly from bad experiences, and slowly from good ones.
His studies show that the best way to shift that bias is to deliberately weave positive experiences into the fabric of your brain. And one of the easiest ways to do this is by focusing on something positive (a sunset, a beautiful flower, a caring person) and savor the moment. Spend time really focusing on your gratitude for the person, thing or event. (Watch for another article coming soon with more about the importance of gratitude and the brain, especially as we age.)
Think About the Ideal and Be Clear Why You Want It
In order to create new neural pathways and escape the negative spiral, it’s important to have a replacement to start thinking about. For example, if you are stuck in fear about money, and in a negative loop, start thinking about the flip side and create a picture of the ideal.
Describe your ideal financial situation, be as specific as possible. Have fun with this: let your imagination be your guide. You don’t need to write this out, just tell yourself the story. Picture yourself living the life of your dreams; actually feel how good it feels.
And then focus on the why. The why is very important. Why is this change in your life important? For example, allow yourself to really examine why having more money would make a difference in your life. What is the deepest reason you want this to manifest? Keep going deeper and deeper into why you want to achieve this until you feel like you have hit the heart of it. You will know it when you have hit it, there will be an emotional charge linked to it. Allow yourself to feel the depth of that emotion.
Be Creative
While you are focusing on shifting limiting beliefs into more positive and supportive beliefs, it is helpful to be creative in the process. An expression of creativity, in any form, can be helpful in shifting our mood and removing us from a negative spiral. Not only that, but repressed creativity can have the opposite effect, and can ultimately express itself in unhealthy ways, such as bad relationships, stress, neurotic or addictive behaviors.
Perhaps the most common manifestation of repressed creativity in women is depression, which, of course, only increases the negative downward spiral. But how can we be creative and how can we open ourselves up to our own creative potential?
There are so many ways we can get creative, and they all involve play: start journaling and play with words; get some oil pastels and play with color; go outside, garden, and play in the dirt; learn an instrument, dance, and play with music; cook and play with spices. There is no right or wrong way to be creative. The only important thing is to allow ourselves to connect with our own creativity.
Keep Reminding Yourself, You Are Never Too Old to Be Creative!
So, the next time you hear that inner voice telling you that you are doing it wrong or that it’s too late, try using these tools to creatively and positively reframe that message. The next time you find yourself falling into a negative spiral, use these tools to tackle those limiting beliefs, and transform them so that they are supportive rather than destructive.
And use that innate creativity to help transmute the whole experience!
Let’s Have a Conversation:
What negative thoughts have circulated in your mind lately? How have you tried to eliminate them? Have you incorporated creativity techniques to gain control over your mind?
