One thing I love about living in an apartment building is that, while I live alone, I’m surrounded by caring humans. We look out for each other. We hold doors, water plants, have the occasional glass of wine, exchange keys, and check in when someone hasn’t been seen in a while. It’s its own kind of chosen community (with the occasional neighbor I’d prefer to live elsewhere…).
I’m 42, not partnered (though looking for setups!), and I live in Brooklyn, NY with my labradoodle, Penny. And while Penny is loyal and loving, she’s probably not up to the task of making healthcare decisions for me (no offense, Penny) AND she herself (probably… or I could be projecting) wants to make sure that she’s also covered if something happens to me.
What Is Living Solo About?
Lately, I’ve been thinking more about what it means to be a solo ager. It’s not just being single or without children (by choice or circumstance) but recognizing that families shift. People move. Estrangement happens. Sometimes the support system we expected to have just… isn’t there in the way we imagined.
When my parents divorced in their late 60s after 36 years together, they hadn’t planned to be on their own at that stage of life. For a few years, they both were. One is re-partnered now, one is asking me for dating advice (I feel half endearing about this and half eyeroll), but it was a reminder that life can pivot in ways we don’t plan for. In those moments, it’s best to already have a plan in place on what aging and care (and how we’re paying for it) looks like in our lives.
Planning for the Future
As an end-of-life professional, I’ve supported many incredible humans (who were technically not alone, but practically, they were) plan their future. Their closest relatives lived far away, or the relationships weren’t strong. In the end, they leaned on friends, neighbors, paid caregivers, and community.
Planning ahead is a gift, whether you rely on your family of origin or your family of choice. And we should all be planning as if we must rely on ourselves and the communities we create. Women especially need to be thinking about this because statistically, we live longer.
Here are some ways that I, as a professional, am trying to take my own advice and plan ahead:
I Have a Healthcare Proxy in Place
This is to ensure that if something happened to me and I needed someone to make medical decisions on my behalf, I am covered. I chose someone I know understands and will honor my wishes, can make decisions under pressure, and isn’t afraid to ask questions or advocate on my behalf.
I’ve Organized My Digital Life
Before the digital age, many people had that desk drawer or filing cabinet that held all the important documents. The insurance policies, the deed or mortgage information, the health insurance information, the will, credit card statements – everything you need to piece together someone’s financial, health and legal life.
Now everything is decentralized and scattered amongst dozens if not hundreds of websites. It’s important to have an inventory of what you have, and how to access it. That’s why I have a digital password manager and digital vault that a trusted person can access if I need help while I’m alive or for my executor after I’m gone. Is it perfect? No. But will it leave someone with a fairly clear map of what’s important? Yes.
I Have a Plan for My Pet
If something were to happen to me, I have neighbors with keys who can help. Recently, I had to go to Urgent Care when I stepped on a shard of broken glass. I was making coffee in the morning and all of a sudden, I couldn’t walk and it was time to take Penny out. I called my sister, who lives an 8-minute walk away, and she changed her morning plans in order to help me out (I have the very best of sisters).
I’ve also created a simple document sharing Penny’s vet information, her feeding instructions, her dog walker, her favorite treats and toys, medication (anxious like her mother) and any quirks that if someone needed to step in, should know. I’ve also left a guardian for Penny in my Will and some money set aside for her care so that she’s not a burden.
I Purchased Long Term Care Insurance
Was it the sexiest gift to myself? No. Will my future self be very grateful I did this? Absolutely. Aging is expensive. Aging well is even more expensive.
I Prioritize My Friendships and Relationships
Community and connection are of the utmost importance as we age. A recent study found that loneliness is as bad for your health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. I call and facetime my closest circle with regularity. I try and go to lectures, cooking classes and events in my area that seem fun but also push me outside of my introverted ideal night of hanging with Penny on the couch. I know that if I need something, I have a steady group who I can rely on and that is something that most of us have to really work to maintain.
Although I’m child-free by choice, I love having meaningful relationships with my nieces and nephews and my friends’ children – prioritizing doing activities and giving experiences with them rather than just gifts that they will discard.
I Created a Roadmap
For my parents first, and then for myself. A few years ago I created the Plan Well Organizer, to document all the important paperwork, decisions, and wishes that families need to have on record (I’m making it a physical folio this year!). I built it with my parents in mind, to help them get organized in a way that wouldn’t fall on me (or my sister) in a moment of crisis. What I didn’t expect was how much filling it out myself would help ease my own anxiety around leaving a mess behind. I don’t want to be the cobbler’s child, metaphorically of course as my parents were both dentists.
That’s what solo aging really looks like. It’s not about being without people. It’s about being thoughtful about who your people are, and how you want to be supported. We all should be planning as if we’re solo agers.
And that’s something all of us, at any age, deserve to reflect on.
Even Penny agrees.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Whether you’re solo or partnered, what does your “plan” look like right now, and is there a gap you know you need to close? We’d love to hear from the community.
