Let’s be honest. Most midlife women don’t walk around saying, “I feel like the Holidays are a real drag because I have to do it all.”
Of course not. You love the season. And after all this time, you’re good at it. You’ve got your routine. You’re capable. The woman everyone trusts to hold everything together.
But under the surface, there’s a quiet truth many women never admit, even to themselves.
The Holidays ask more of you than they ask of anyone else.
And you carry it. Because you always have.
This article is the final piece in my four-part Sixty and Me series on staying grounded through the holidays.
If you missed the earlier pieces, you can find them here:
- Part 1: Holiday Food Everywhere? Here’s Why It Feels Impossible to Resist
- Part 2: The Invisible Load of the Holidays: Why Midlife Women Feel So Responsible
- Part 3: The Bare Minimum Holiday Plan That Keeps You Steady
Here’s the part most women never talk about: that mix of resentment, heaviness, and “why does no one see how much I’m doing?”
It might feel embarrassing to admit it – even to yourself. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t there.
And if holidays are “your favorite time of the year,” that can be true… AND you can also feel unseen and overloaded.
Both Things Can Be True
That’s how holiday stress works for many women. It can sit beneath the surface of a season you genuinely love.
What I’ve learned – in my own life and in nearly two decades of coaching – is that what we call resentment often has a companion emotion. A softer one we don’t want to admit to. A kind of self-pity that whispers, “Why does it have to be me? Why is no one helping?”
Most women push that feeling down because it feels weak or indulgent.
It’s not.
It’s a signal.
A cue.
A moment of honesty that can change everything about how you move through this season.
And once you can see it – without shame – you finally get to decide what you want to do next.
How You Became “The One Who Handles Everything”
No woman wakes up one day and decides, “I’ll just do everything myself!”
No. It happens slowly. Quietly. Over years of being competent… organized… the one who remembers things other people forget.
At first, you liked being that woman. It felt good to be dependable. You created systems. You made the Holidays beautiful. You knew how to pull everything together in a way no one else could.
But competence has a shadow side: When you do something well, people stop offering.
And little by little, you become the go-to:
- The planner.
- The fixer.
- The emotional load-bearer.
Not because you failed – but because you were good. And because repetition turns into identity.
This is how something called ‘over-functioning’ takes hold. Not in a dramatic moment, but in ten thousand small ones:
- “I’ll just do it.”
- “It’s easier if I handle it.”
- “They’ll only mess it up.”
And before you even notice the shift, doing everything yourself becomes normal. Expected. Automatic. You love your family, but you also feel trapped inside this role you mastered.
Nothing is wrong with you.
This is learned behavior – reinforced by years of praise, habit, and silence around all the emotional labor women carry.
You didn’t choose this pattern. But you can choose what happens next.
The Cost of Carrying the Season on Your Back
When you’re the one holding the entire season together, it doesn’t just drain your time. It drains your body. Your mind. Your capacity to feel like yourself.
Holiday burnout shows up in ways most women never link to the stress they’re under. You start sleeping poorly. You wake up already tired. You grab whatever food keeps you going, then wonder why you feel puffy, wired, or desperate for something sweet at 7 am. You lose patience faster. You snap at people you love. You feel foggy, depleted, and behind before the day even starts.
This isn’t a reflection of your abilities, nor is it about willpower or discipline. It’s health for the stage that we’re in.
Your nervous system is carrying too much. Your hormones feel the strain. And by January, you’re not just tired – you’re wiped out in a way that makes “getting back on track” feel impossible.
Most women blame themselves.
But the truth is simple: no one can carry this much emotional and mental load without paying for it somewhere.
And it’s not your fault.
It’s the weight you’ve been asked to hold.
The Truth No One Likes Hearing (But Every Woman Needs)
Here’s the part that stings a little: You can’t have peace and also hold control over everything.
Most women don’t like hearing that – especially women who’ve built a lifetime on competence. But it’s the truth that changes everything.
The belief that “they’ll do it wrong” is powerful. It keeps you in charge, but it also keeps you exhausted. It forces you into a role you never meant to audition for: the woman who handles it all, even when she’s falling apart inside.
And yes, letting others try – and fail – is uncomfortable. Watching someone wrap a gift badly or load the dishwasher “wrong” feels painful. But every time you step in, the cycle continues. You stay overextended. They stay under-involved. And resentment grows quietly in the background.
This isn’t a character flaw, but a pattern you’ve learned. And that means you can unlearn it.
Letting go of control isn’t weakness, but a midlife boundary – one that protects your energy, your health, and your sanity.
What Choosing Yourself Actually Looks Like
Choosing yourself doesn’t start with a dramatic announcement. It starts with tiny shifts that feel almost too small to matter. Doing less. Simplifying. Setting boundaries during the Holidays that protect your sanity instead of everyone else’s comfort.
It means letting someone else take a task – and resisting the urge to hover.
Maybe your partner buys the stocking stuffers this year, even if the choices make you cringe.
Maybe your adult child brings a side dish, and you let it be whatever they choose, not the perfect recipe you would’ve made.
Maybe the gifts are wrapped crooked, and you leave them exactly as they are.
This isn’t selfishness but giving up control and allowing others to participate.
This is leadership.
Real leadership means stepping back so others can step forward – even if they wobble a bit at first.
And yes, it will feel uncomfortable. Your brain will scream that it’s easier to just do it yourself. But “easier” is how the cycle stays alive. “Good enough” is how you break it.
You don’t need to overhaul your entire holiday. You just need one experiment at a time. One place where you decide, I don’t have to be the hero here.
When you start doing less, something shifts.
Your stress softens. Your body unclenches. Your mood steadies.
And for the first time in a long time, the holiday starts to feel like yours again – not another performance you’re responsible for staging.
Where to Go from Here
Choosing yourself isn’t selfish. It’s necessary – especially in midlife, when your health, energy, and peace matter more than ever. And as we wrap up this four-part Sixty and Me Holiday series, I want you to hear this clearly: you don’t have to keep doing the season the way you always have. You can choose a version that lets you breathe.
If this article hit a nerve, and you want deeper support, I recorded a full podcast episode on this exact topic. You can listen to episode 4 of the Holiday Health Series: The Martyr Myth here or on your podcast player of choice. It will help you understand why these patterns show up and how to shift them gently.
And if you want someone to walk you step-by-step through simplifying your holidays, reducing holiday stress, and learning how to enjoy the Holidays without burning out, the Feel-Good Holiday Playbook is your guide. You can find it by clicking this link.
You deserve to enter January rested, not depleted. Steady, not scrambling. In control of your choices – not controlled by the season.
That version of the holiday is available. And it starts with choosing yourself.
Let’s Reflect:
What would “good enough” look like for you this year, if you let yourself try it?
