Divorce procedures initiated later in life have surged in recent years, marking a stark shift in marital dynamics. Younger couples find it relatively easier to part ways due to their upbringing in a society where dual-career households are the norm. They’ve been conditioned to view marriage as a partnership of equals.
Contrastingly, those from the “boomer” era, having tied the knot and navigated life’s journey when traditional gender roles prevailed, now face intricate challenges in separation during later stages of life. For these couples, the norms of their time often confined women to homemaking while men shouldered the financial responsibilities. Consequently, untangling intertwined lives, finances, and roles becomes notably complex in their pursuit of divorcing after decades together.
The statistics reflect this evolution; divorces among individuals aged 50 and older surged from 8.7% in 1990 to a staggering 36% by 2019 in the United States. When news of a gray divorce surfaces, it tends to evoke immediate speculation of the worst-case scenarios. Thoughts often veer towards infidelity, deceit, or other dramatic reasons, especially from the perspective of the spouse blindsided by the decision to divorce.
However, while each divorce is deeply personal and unique to the dynamics of each individual relationship, there exist common threads that lead individuals to opt for a gray divorce.
What Is Considered a Gray Divorce?
When the term ‘gray divorce’ was first used, it described couples splitting after being married for over 40 years. It was a nod to the idea that if you’ve been married that long, you’re getting older and might have some gray hair.
But now, it’s more about the growing number of baby boomers getting divorced, no matter how long they’ve been married or whether they have gray hair or not. However, most of the folks falling into this group have been married for about 20 to 30 years, showing that the term now covers divorces among older couples, even if they weren’t together for as long as the original idea suggested.
Why Do Couples Get Divorce Later in Life?
Every marriage has its own story, which means the reasons behind a divorce are just as unique. But in many states, when filing for divorce, spouses are required to give a reason. While these reasons vary widely, some crop up more frequently than others in divorce filings.
Empty Nester Syndrome
Empty nest syndrome often emerges as a significant segway into gray divorces. While some couples may have been deeply invested in raising their children, especially women who stayed home to raise and take care of their children. However, when they leave home, it can unexpectedly reveal the distance that has developed between spouses.
Years of focusing solely on parenting can create a void in a marriage once the kids leave, leaving couples at a loss when they’re faced with a quieter home and each other’s company. This abrupt change can illuminate the extent to which spouses have grown distant, fostering frustration and a sense of disconnect.
The absence of a clear-cut cause like infidelity or a dramatic event often characterizes gray divorces, where couples simply find themselves drifting apart. Suddenly confronted with an unfamiliar partner across the dinner table, individuals may grapple with a sense of discomfort or even unfamiliarity, leading to the decision to pursue gray divorce as they struggle to navigate life without the constant focus on their children.
If you’ve found yourself in a similar situation, but would like to give your marriage a chance, you can look for activities to do together with your spouse. Look for ideas in these three articles:
4 WAYS TO RECONNECT WITH YOUR HUSBAND AND SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE AFTER 60
3 SURE-FIRE WAYS TO KEEP AN AGING MARRIAGE SPARKLY
BORED WITH YOUR HUSBAND? HOW TO KEEP DUST FROM SETTLING ON YOUR MARRIAGE
Financial Stressors
Financial stressors often play a pivotal role in gray divorces, serving as a significant source of strain within marriages. The American Psychological Association’s “Stress in America” survey highlighted that 64 percent of adults consider money a primary stressor in their lives.
In the prime earning years, couples might overlook financial discrepancies as ample income can mask underlying issues. But as retirement approaches and income streams dwindle to fixed pensions or retirement benefits, the stark reality of divergent spending habits becomes undeniable. This shift frequently amplifies differences in financial management styles, becoming a catalyst for one spouse seeking a divorce.
Mediation, especially when facilitated by a mediator versed in financial matters, proves invaluable. Activities such as budgeting exercises reveal the true financial landscape, aiding spouses in understanding their current and anticipated post-divorce expenses.
Read more about mediation here: HOW TO ENCOURAGE YOUR SPOUSE TO MEDIATE YOUR DIVORCE.
Another common area of conflict arises when one spouse, usually the primary earner, expects the stay-at-home spouse to reenter the workforce after the children have grown. However, this desire can clash with the other partner’s readiness or capacity to pursue external employment. This disagreement over post-parenting career choices often contributes to marital discord, adding to the strain caused by financial concerns.
Breach of Trust
Breach of trust, often stemming from infidelity, can be a poignant reason for individuals to seek a divorce later in life. Initially, it might manifest as subtle shifts – a partner working late more frequently or unexplained expenses surfacing in financial records.
Even the most resilient relationships can falter under the weight of infidelity. Recovering a relationship in the aftermath of cheating hinges on the willingness of the unfaithful partner to earnestly engage in repairing the marriage and restoring trust. Yet, if the straying spouse isn’t committed to addressing the underlying issues that led to the breach of trust, the relationship may reach an irreparable impasse. For many couples spending decades together, infidelity stands as one of the chief causes of divorce, demonstrating the devastation wrought by cheating, deceit, and betrayal.
Retirement
The transition into retirement can serve as a profound catalyst for a divorce later in life. As couples navigate this new phase of life, the substantial shift in routine and lifestyle can significantly impact their relationship.
Suddenly spending increased amounts of time together may not always equate to happiness; in fact, it can underscore differences in interests and values that were previously overshadowed by work commitments. Retirement represents a significant life shift, where the once familiar routine of work transforms into a landscape of open, unstructured time. While retirement promises opportunities for self-reflection and pursuing hobbies, it can also unveil stark realizations for some couples.
They might find themselves confronting fundamental incompatibilities in this new chapter – disparities in values, infidelity, or a waning sense of intimacy. Realizing these can lead to irreconcilable differences often becomes a pivotal point prompting couples to consider divorce as they grapple with the profound changes retirement brings to their lives and relationships.
No More Stigma Surrounding Divorce
In modern times, the diminished stigma surrounding divorce stands as a significant factor contributing to the rise of divorces later in life. Unlike the past, where religious doctrines often held considerable influence over marriages in the United States, today’s landscape is marked by reduced societal condemnation of divorce.
Earlier, people felt trapped in relationships due to the strong grip of religious beliefs and familial traditions, perceiving divorce as a moral sin that could incur social disdain and significant repercussions. However, the shifting cultural norms, evolving definitions of marriage and family, increased visibility of diverse relationship models, and greater financial autonomy for women have collectively eroded the once-firm societal judgment.
As a result, individuals contemplating gray divorces now feel more empowered to seek a dissolution of their marriages without shouldering the same burden of guilt, fear of social ostracization, or the weight of historical stigmas that once haunted those who sought to better their lives through divorce.
Women Want More Independence
The shifting landscape of gender dynamics in today’s society has become a significant catalyst for gray divorces, notably regarding women seeking greater independence. In past decades, societal norms constrained women’s opportunities, often leading to marriages that were more transactional in nature. In fact, women weren’t allowed to open their own checking or savings accounts until 1974, demonstrating the need for women to marry in order to function in society.
Various factors often contributed to marriages that lacked individual autonomy like:
- Financial reliance on men
- Societal and familial expectations
- Limited access to education and employment
- Predominant role of women in domestic and childcare responsibilities
However, in contemporary times, substantial changes have unfolded. More women are pursuing higher education, closing the gender gap, and securing prominent roles in the workforce. With economic strides, increased financial independence, and improved access to healthcare and contraception, women have gained substantial agency within relationships, no longer tethered to dependence on a husband for sustenance.
This shift toward independence has become a prominent factor driving gray divorces as women seek to assert their autonomy and navigate relationships with a newfound sense of self-reliance.
Reasons Why Individuals Second Guess Getting a Divorce Later in Life
Navigating a gray divorce involves a myriad of considerations, each crucial in its own right. While prioritizing personal happiness is essential, there are multiple reasons why individuals might hesitate or second-guess pursuing a gray divorce, considering the intricate financial, familial, and long-term implications involved:
- Retirement – The division of assets and financial planning post-divorce significantly impacts long-term financial security during retirement.
- Social Security – Understanding the implications of divorce on Social Security benefits and potential eligibility for spousal support is vital.
- Income and Spousal Support – Determining fair financial support and alimony after divorce requires careful evaluation of each partner’s financial standing.
- Division of Assets – The complex process of dividing assets, including properties, investments, and shared financial resources, demands meticulous attention.
- Insurance – Assessing and securing adequate health and life insurance coverage post-divorce is essential for both partners’ well-being.
- Competency – Evaluating each partner’s competency in managing finances and legal matters can influence decision-making, particularly if one spouse relies heavily on the other.
- Long-Term Considerations – Anticipating the impact on adult children, and their emotional response, and planning for potential long-term care for both partners are crucial.
- Long-Term Care – Planning for future care needs, especially as individuals age, becomes a critical consideration.
- Estate Planning – Reassessing and revising estate plans to align with post-divorce intentions for asset distribution is paramount for ensuring wishes are fulfilled.
All these things together make a complicated situation, making people who are thinking about getting a gray divorce carefully think about how each one could affect their lives before they decide what to do.
If you have decided om pursuing divorce, consult with a mediator and a divorce lawyer who can help guide you through the complexities of gray divorce.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
If you are considering divorce or have divorced in your later years, what are/were your reasons? How has your life changed since? What did you gain and what did you lose?
