There’s a certain kind of silence that falls over the house when your kids are grown. No more soccer practice. No more school pickups. No more late-night snack runs.
But there’s often something else that lingers in that silence: guilt.
For many moms, especially those in their second act of life, mom guilt doesn’t go away – it just evolves. It shifts from “Did I do enough today?” to “Did I mess them up?” It becomes a constant replay of past decisions, old conversations, missed moments, and heartfelt regrets.
Let’s talk about it.
Have Moms Always Felt This Way?
In one form or another, yes. But the weight and shape of mom guilt have changed over time.
Historically, motherhood was rooted in survival: feed, protect, nurture, repeat. The guilt, if it showed up, was about whether a child was safe or cared for.
But in the modern world – especially in the age of parenting books, podcasts, Instagram reels, and expert advice – the expectations have multiplied. Now, we’re not just responsible for keeping our kids alive. We’re expected to raise emotionally fluent, intellectually curious, socially competent, well-adjusted humans who (preferably) adore us in return.
And if they don’t?
If they struggle, rebel, drift away, or express pain from their childhood?
We blame ourselves.
Why Guilt Feels Heavier as We Age
As our kids grow into adults, the mirror turns inward. They may start talking about their childhood differently than we remember it. Or they might be working through their own issues, and we hear the unsaid words: “This is your fault.”
We wonder:
- Did I listen enough?
- Did I pass down my own pain?
- Did I teach them what they needed – or just what I had to give?
We’re left with a haunting question:
Did I get it wrong?
What to Do When the Guilt Creeps In
Here’s what I’ve learned – not from a book, but from living it.
1. Name It – All of It
Don’t bury it. Guilt that festers unspoken becomes shame. Write it down. Speak it out loud. Start a conversation with a therapist, a trusted friend, or your journal.
2. Separate Guilt from Responsibility
Not everything your child struggles with is because of you. Yes, you made mistakes. Every parent does. But you also did the best you could with what you had at the time. Guilt doesn’t change the past – and it shouldn’t steal your present.
3. Apologize – Once; Then Stop Re-Living It
If you genuinely regret something, say so. Acknowledge it. But don’t let it become a never-ending loop of proving you’re sorry. At some point, your grown kids must do their own work. You can’t carry their healing for them.
4. Set Boundaries – Even with Your Kids
You’re allowed to protect your peace. That may mean stepping back from painful conversations, refusing to be emotionally manipulated, or limiting interactions that drain you. Boundaries aren’t walls – they’re bridges to healthier relationships.
5. Redefine What a “Good Mom” Looks Like Now
You’re not shaping lunches and bedtime routines anymore. You’re shaping legacy. That might look like evolving, listening differently, showing up in a new way. It might even look like letting go.
For the Woman in Her Second Act
You can’t rewrite the past – but you can choose how you live the rest of your story.
You are more than the sum of your parenting mistakes.
You are a woman with wisdom, insight, and experience.
And even now, you’re still allowed to grow, repair, and heal – just like your children.
Maybe you need to give yourself the grace no one else ever offered.
Maybe the only person waiting for your forgiveness… is you.
Guilt will come.
But it doesn’t have to stay.
Let it teach you. Then let it go.
I would invite you to do two things today: Get a copy of the Second Act Soul Check-In available here. Then check in at our Empty Nesters Facebook Group. Join the conversation as we deconstruct these complex emotions. You are not alone.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Do you have your own story about how you have dealt with mom guilt? Please share it below.
