Divorcing after a long marriage is difficult, made even more so when the divorce is ugly, and you are left feeling not only disrespected but erased. I know, no one can MAKE you feel any one way. Your feelings are your own. And, in theory, I agree with that. In practice, it is harder to realize.

So, what to do with a lifetime of memories when I was now questioning if any of them were genuine? I got help from some wonderful therapists and women’s support groups and built a new life for myself.

I even wrote a book, Post-Divorce Bliss: Ending Us and Finding Me, to help other women travel the path with more ease. My best way forward was to feel it all, heal what I could, and move on. I did that. My life is rich in friendships, travel, and learning.

Song Trauma

One area remained problematic. I love music and so many songs from our dating years and marriage triggered memories with him. I would see my couple friends laughing and sharing “remember when’s” about music but all I felt was loneliness and resentment that the one person who was also there had no desire whatsoever to share any memories with me.

An Alternative Way to Enjoy Music

So, I embraced current pop music. Turns out I love it! Arianna Grande, Taylor Swift, Jason Derulo, Shawn Mendes, Justin Bieber… love them all! I also gained a deep appreciation for hip hop when I started attending Zumba classes that used hip hop music rather than the more traditional Zumba music.

FYI, I am 70, and my friends’ grandchildren are often surprised when I not only like their music but recognize the artists.

A Beginning Step Back

I attend classes of a Life-Long Learning program at a local college. Some of the most popular seminars are music based. Topics range from 50s’ rock and roll to Paul Simon to Doo Wop to Bob Dylan and the Beatles.

At first, I could not tolerate any of them. Too many painful connections. There were couples in the classes, holding hands and making eye contact over songs particularly memorable for them. Plus, everyone would sing along, and I couldn’t because the memories choked me up.

In the first seminar, I would only stay for the first hour of the two-hour class. But this music was important to me, so I persisted. Gradually, I could do a whole session and then continued to sign up for music classes and enjoy them.

Reclaiming “Our” Songs

Once I was comfortable in the seminars, I developed some strategies to reclaim the songs that were hardest to hear.

Journal About the Song

First, I would take some time to listen to the song closely and record all the difficult feelings that arise. Get them all down, no judgment, just release. I then take the next step and burn that writing, sending it up in smoke. Those feelings no longer serve me.

Attach a New Memory

For example, “Wait Till the Midnight Hour” by Wilson Pickett was always the last song played at the monthly summer dances during high school. Those evenings were magical. The dance was invitation only and held in an open-air pavilion. This song was always the last of the night and played just before midnight.

After this dance the lights would come up, and we’d say our good nights. My ex had his mother’s convertible for dance nights, and we’d ride home in the mountain air under a star filled sky, pleasantly tired from a night of dance. I would nestle as close to him as possible, laying my head on his shoulder and soaking up the moment.

Now when I hear that song, I recall all of my friends at the dance. I deliberately focus on what they are doing now. I embrace the beauty of those long-ago friendships. I also dance to this song as often as possible. I remember what it felt like to move my 16-year-old body with ease and flexibility. Then I am grateful that I am still dancing, still finding joy in movement.

Create Playlists

I organize these in different ways. Some are by time: high school years, college, early marriage, career paths, parenthood. Others are by theme: new love, innocence, betrayal, divorce, starting over. My third choice for playlists is by purpose: dance music, easy listening, inspiration, empowerment. I choose the music rather than the music just surfacing. I match it to my mood and needs, and that is empowering.

All Mine Now

Now, two of the eight available buttons in my car are programed to oldies stations. One is a local edition of a national oldies site and plays mostly mainstream hits from the 60s on. The second is a local station with a narrow bandwidth. It is staffed by volunteer DJs, several of whom I know from my Life-Long Learning seminars.

This station shares music starting from the 50s, and as the DJs make their own playlists, the songs are very idiosyncratic. They share background stories about the bands and production and include lesser-known songs as well as hits.

I heard one of the local DJs say, “We’re playing the soundtrack of your life.” That’s it exactly! I have reclaimed the soundtrack of my life and I am enjoying and embracing every bit of it.

If you have been through divorce, how did you gain back your music-related memories? How did you create new ones? If music wasn’t central to your marriage, what was, and how did you reclaim it for yourself post-divorce? Please share your helpful tips with the community!

Many of us whose children have entered their 30s are still waiting to become grandparents. We understand that our kids have every right to make their own decisions about when and whether to become parents. If they never want to have children, that’s their business.

Many, however, are happily coupled up and just waiting until they’re “ready” to begin the parental journey. Meanwhile, you may be more than ready to be tagged “Grandma.”

How the Argument Is Framed

I have two school-aged grandchildren, so my empathy for your impatience comes not from the perspective of the yearning grandparent nor even the parent, but from the point of view of the child, because I was the daughter of old people. Does anyone ask the children?

The typical now-vs.-later debate tends to weigh the youthful advantages of higher fertility and greater physical energy against the benefits of completing education and achieving financial stability, which take time. Both sides make convincing points.

The Case for Waiting

Statistically, early pregnancy decreases the mom’s lifelong income. That’s a lot for the woman to give up in both money and professional fulfillment. It impacts the family as well, although I would argue that children need basics but not wealth. Parents are the ones who like to get their career ships on a steady course before taking on additional crew.

Studies also indicate that earlier motherhood correlates with a higher rate of depression. Some people promote government help with childcare, tax relief, higher education and mental health as a means of leveling the playing field for younger families.

Counterpoint: Have Them Now

Delaying parenthood has its own downside. Miscarriages increase with age, and the fertility issue alone is concerning. It’s expensive and a lot of trouble to get pregnant when it’s not happening easily.

According to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, fertility begins declining by age 30. In their 20s and early 30s, 1 in 4 women will get pregnant in any single menstrual cycle. By age 40, the figure drops to 1 in 10 women.

Starting later also limits options for spacing out the kids’ ages and for having a big family. And we’re always hearing older moms fretting about their bodies bouncing back very slowly, if ever.

No One Asks the Kids

Young dads enjoy playing sports with their kids, while older dads feel they have more wisdom to guide them. Each side of this conversation is valid, even the reasons for delaying parenthood that boil down to “I don’t want to have kids yet,” a simple desire to stretch out a carefree lifestyle as long as possible.

That’s all fair to the moms and dads. But what about the children? The pertinent literature presents the parents’ self-reporting along with empirical data on how the kids turned out. I have not found research surveying the kids, grown or otherwise, about their experiences. So I’ll supply that information right here.

Because my parents met late in life, I was born to a 43-year-old mother and 50-year-old father, and then I was urged to do the opposite. “Have your kids while you’re young, and grow up with them,” my mother repeated to me frequently.

Understandably, my parents were a bit old-school, but they were great parents. I can’t say I suffered by being their daughter. But that worked against me in a way, because I was always so scared of losing them.

You know the way parents check the breathing of their sleeping babies? In our house there was role reversal. If I woke up in the middle of the night, I’d listen at my parents’ bedroom door to make sure I could hear their gentle – and not always that gentle – snoring. If they got sick or just were late arriving home from a movie, I’d turn into a little girl with a big worry.

The One Thing That Hasn’t Changed

Of course, that was then. It was so unusual to have older parents that my dad was often assumed to be my grandfather. Today, there’s no stigma if you’re 10 and your parents are in their 50s. So any feeling I sensed of being different in my youngest years doesn’t apply much to my grandchildren’s generation. But one thing hasn’t changed, and not to be a downer, but that’s death.

From what I can tell, a lot of people expect to live into their 90s. But life expectancy for someone born in the United States when our now 30-something offspring arrived – the 1980s – was about 74 years. By just before the pandemic, it had risen to 78 years.

Despite my anxiety, my parents each lived an average lifespan. Dad was 74, and Mom was 82. The trouble was my own age: only 24 when I lost my first parent. My sweet father missed out on so much of my life, and it still makes me sad.

Being born late in my parents’ lives also cheated me out of grandparents. The two who were living when I was born died when I was 4 and 12. If 38 becomes the preferred age for people to have children in future generations, grandparents will be 76 when that child is born. The honored great-grandparent may soon become a quaint concept of the past.

Inspire Your Adult Children

Parents want to do what’s best for their children. Having some financial resources makes raising kids easier. But giving them young parents who have lots of energy and are likely to remain vivacious as the kids grow and have their own children is also a very nice thing to do for them.

If you’re trying not to nag but want your children to know that you would love to be a grandparent, you can tell them you read about this 68-year-old woman who grew up with older parents and, not enjoying that aspect of her childhood, was always very glad she had her first child at age 26 and grew up with her kids.

Are you a grandparent? Were you young when you had your kids? Do you think having kids early on is better for the children? What is your experience with having older/younger parents, no/all grandparents? Please share your thoughts below!

There’s no shortage of discounts this time of year but there’s about Nordstrom sales that just hit differently. Maybe it’s the prices up to 50 percent off or the unique mix of luxe and more affordable offerings. Basically what we’re saying it, Nordstrom’s 2021 beauty sale doesn’t dissapoint. It’s part of the big Half-Yearly Sale when products fly off the virtual shelf faster than you can say add to cart.

These aren’t random, leftover items, either. These deals are from best-selling brands and ones you probably use every day. We’re talking Nars, M.A.C., Bobbi Brown, Anastasia Beverly Hills and so many more. There’s also a great mix of essentials including foundation and shampoo, as well as hairdryers and tools. But there are also giftable sets (hello, Father’s Day is around the corner!) and fun items you might never have tried before.

There are tons of deals to shop but if you’re not sure where to start, shop some favorites, below. Warning: they go fast.

Our mission at STYLECASTER is to bring style to the people, and we only feature products we think you’ll love as much as we do. Please note that if you purchase something by clicking on a link within this story, we may receive a small commission of the sale.

Nordstrom.

MAC Lustre Lipstick in Cockney

There’s something about this blue-red lipstick that looks good on everyone, especially with that shiny finish.

Nordstrom.

Nars Mini Oil-Infused Lip Tint Duo

You can’t go wrong with this lip oil duo that hydrates while delivering a wash of color.

Nordstrom.

Bobbi Brown Highlighting Powder

There are six pretty shades of this light-reflecting powder and you’re guaranteed to love one (or a few).

Nordstrom.

Anastasia Beverly Hills Blush Trio

Choose from five colorways of this soft powder blush and you’ll be part of 2021’s biggest makeup trend.

Nordstrom.

Prada Candy Night Eau de Parfum

Fans of this sexy perfume love its notes of bitter orange, patchouli, musk and tonka bean.

There’s no shortage of discounts this time of year but there’s about Nordstrom sales that just hit differently. Maybe it’s the prices up to 50 percent off or the unique mix of luxe and more affordable offerings. Basically what we’re saying it, Nordstrom’s 2021 beauty sale doesn’t dissapoint. It’s part of the big Half-Yearly Sale when products fly off the virtual shelf faster than you can say add to cart.

These aren’t random, leftover items, either. These deals are from best-selling brands and ones you probably use every day. We’re talking Nars, M.A.C., Bobbi Brown, Anastasia Beverly Hills and so many more. There’s also a great mix of essentials including foundation and shampoo, as well as hairdryers and tools. But there are also giftable sets (hello, Father’s Day is around the corner!) and fun items you might never have tried before.

There are tons of deals to shop but if you’re not sure where to start, shop some favorites, below. Warning: they go fast.

Our mission at STYLECASTER is to bring style to the people, and we only feature products we think you’ll love as much as we do. Please note that if you purchase something by clicking on a link within this story, we may receive a small commission of the sale.

Nordstrom.

MAC Lustre Lipstick in Cockney

There’s something about this blue-red lipstick that looks good on everyone, especially with that shiny finish.

Nordstrom.

Nars Mini Oil-Infused Lip Tint Duo

You can’t go wrong with this lip oil duo that hydrates while delivering a wash of color.

Nordstrom.

Bobbi Brown Highlighting Powder

There are six pretty shades of this light-reflecting powder and you’re guaranteed to love one (or a few).

Nordstrom.

Anastasia Beverly Hills Blush Trio

Choose from five colorways of this soft powder blush and you’ll be part of 2021’s biggest makeup trend.

Nordstrom.

Prada Candy Night Eau de Parfum

Fans of this sexy perfume love its notes of bitter orange, patchouli, musk and tonka bean.