If you’re like me, the phrase “I’m sorry” makes regular appearances in your conversations. I say it when I’m late, when I feel embarrassed, when someone tells me they feel sad about something.

I also say it when the person I’m addressing looks as if they’re having a bad reaction to whatever I’ve just said or done.

It’s one of my worst habits, and not because I think I should be more cold-hearted. I regret how often I apologize because I, like many people, say I’m sorry when I actually mean something else.

As I get older and am working on fine-tuning some long-held, but ineffective communication skills, I realize that, for me, apologizing has lost its real meaning. And yet it is alive and well in my repertoire.

I have considered the prevalence of what mostly seems like empty apologies in my conversations, and I have come to realize that there are at least six things I should take into account before I apologize the next time.

Don’t Apologize if You’re Not Really Sorry

I often apologize so quickly that I don’t even stop to consider if I really am sorry. If I say something too bluntly, or I unconsciously interrupt, I immediately say “I’m sorry.” But what I really am is something else; I just don’t take the time to figure out what.

If I’ve hurt someone’s feelings, for example, I do feel badly that they are hurt. However, tossing out a simple, meaningless apology isn’t all that useful.

It would be much more valuable to them to explain my reasoning. The next step would be to have an authentic conversation about it rather than hope my tiny little “I’m sorry” would take care of everything unspoken.

Don’t Apologize if You Don’t Really Know the Reason Why You’re Doing It

I know I’ve apologized for things that have absolutely nothing to do with me. For instance, if I’m late meeting someone for lunch, and they look a bit serious when I walk up to the table, I apologize.

More times than not, they just took off their sunglasses, and their eyes are adjusting to the light in the room. Or it could be that they just read something unpleasant on Yahoo! News.

My apology, of course, doesn’t do any harm, but it instills in my mind and behavior that I’m in the wrong and that an apology is almost always necessary. This is not something I want to hold on to.

Don’t Ruin an Apology with an Excuse

I’ve seen the saying “Don’t ruin an apology with an excuse” attributed to several different people, including Kimberly Johnson and Benjamin Franklin. Regardless of who said it, they definitely captured the notion that we have a tendency to throw out apologies randomly, apparently hoping they will help with whatever we might have done or said.

If I’m apologizing for bad behavior, I need to say that. I don’t need to follow it by explaining why I was forced to behave poorly. For example, if I tell someone I can get together with them and then cancel it because I’ve got too much else going on, I can say I’m sorry to mess up the plan.

However, if I follow that with an explanation about how busy my life is, I haven’t really taken responsibility for my actions. I’ve made an excuse and that’s trying to have it both ways.

Telling the truth and being emotionally responsible are the foundations for strong relationships. We need to get our egos out of the way and let someone briefly think we’re a little bit of a schmuck if that is the case.

Don’t Apologize if You’re Just Doing It to Soften the Situation

If you apologize frequently, odds are you’re using the apology to smooth things out, to make an awkward moment less so. And I’m not suggesting that you and your friends torture each other with painful truths and uncomfortable situations.

We’ve all heard experts say that women tend to apologize more frequently than men. I expect there might be many reasons for that, but a study in the journal Psychological Science concluded that this is true because “women have a lower threshold for what constitutes offensive behavior.”

Apparently, this also leads some women to apologize at times when they must say something candid and straightforward, like asking for a raise or an improved situation at work.

Don’t Apologize if You Really Mean Something Else

I’ve been known to apologize even though I really mean, “I wish we weren’t angry with each other right now, and I’d really like this to stop.” Somehow, I think that if I just say “I’m sorry” – even if I haven’t done anything for which to be sorry – it will make the whole situation easier, and we can move on.

If a friend is suffering over something that has absolutely nothing to do with me, I will apologize when I really mean, “I feel sad that your life is hard right now, and I wish there was something I could do to fix it, but I really can’t.”

It seems easier and less awkward to say “I’m sorry” than to get down to the nitty gritty of what we’re both feeling.

Don’t Apologize if You’re Just Trying to Make Someone Feel Better

I used to apologize at work in hopes of trying to make people feel better when I had to give them a less-than-stellar evaluation. Another example is when I was much younger and breaking up with someone I no longer wanted to date.

I wasn’t really sorry. If I were really sorry, I wouldn’t do what I was doing. What I was really sorry about is that they didn’t say, “Oh, I completely understand. You’re a great person anyway.”

Many of us have grown accustomed to using apologies as a way to avoid a more a serious conversation or to take the awkwardness out of a situation. In my experience, this resulted in me developing a bad habit that wasn’t very authentic or honest, and, at 65, it’s almost as much of a habit as brushing my teeth.

Language is a wonderful thing because we can say so many things in beautiful and detailed ways. Let’s remember that the next time we grab for something empty like an apology that we don’t really feel. Say what you mean and mean what you say. We’ll all be better for it in the end.

Do you ever find yourself apologizing for no reason? How do you respond when someone says that they are sorry? Please join the discussion below!

My 15-year-old grandson died by suicide six weeks ago. At 3pm, six weeks ago, I was wondering how many of the delicious cookies that I’d just baked I could eat. By 5pm, my whole world had changed for ever.

To say life is now difficult is a complete understatement. To say friends, colleagues and family members want to help and support me is completely true. But some of the time some of them get it wrong, even though they mean well.

Some of the time I can see they are terrified of making a mistake and adding to my pain. They don’t want to be clumsy and insensitive.

So, I’m writing this now for all of you who may one day be faced with what to say and do in the face of a friend’s raw grief over the suicide of a loved one.

I need to say that everyone’s experience of this type of grief is unique, so what helps one person may not help someone else. But from talking to others who are deeply affected by my grandson’s death there are some things we share.

Please Don’t Ask Me How I Feel, Particularly Via Text

It’s just too complicated. Everyday life goes on. I still have routines and some of the time I can immerse myself in things, but sometimes the grief feels overwhelming. How do I feel? Right now, I may be doing OK, but by the time I finish texting that reply I may be feeling far from OK. So, do I delete it and start again? It’s easier not to reply.

For me, that’s the essence of this grief. It changes from minute to minute. It’s clearly not going to be a steady recovery to a new way of living. Some moments are better than others. I still find myself laughing at something occasionally.

I can sometimes enjoy the sun on my back as I ride my bike. Sometimes that warmth just reminds me of my grandson and my love for him, and it completely undoes me. I have no way of knowing in advance which it will be.

If you want to message me, just text “Thinking about you xx” or “Love you” or “Here for you whenever you need me” or “I’m around today xx.” Please don’t do it only once. I may not reply, but these sorts of message help me. Please don’t ask me if I got your earlier text.

Please Don’t Expect Me to Want to Meet Up

Friends suggest we meet up. They say helpful things like “We can talk about Max if you want, or not if you don’t want.” But for me, arranging to meet you is impossible. I don’t know how I will be feeling in 10 minutes, so how can I know whether going for a walk with you tomorrow will help?

Some other family members find having these advance arrangements helpful, but it doesn’t work for me. Some people want to be surrounded by others, some people don’t. As I said, everyone’s grief is in some way unique to them.

And it changes too, so what works one day won’t work the next. This can leave you, my friend, uncertain what to do. I understand that. I’m sorry, but it’s the way it is.

And If You Just Found Out…

I regularly go to the gym and also volunteer in a local charity shop. I asked someone in both places to let people know what had happened to minimise the number of people I had to tell. Inevitably there were some people who hadn’t heard.

I meet them and they say: “Hello Jane. How are you?” I could just say “fine” but that denies what has happened to my grandson. I usually say something like “Not great.” Some people don’t ask me what that means, but some people do.

I want you to know that if you’re one of those people who do ask, I understand your horror when I explain. Please don’t feel bad. You didn’t know. Telling people is (I hope) part of the way I process what has happened.

Please Don’t Share Your Own Bereavement

Please don’t tell me about the death of someone you loved. It doesn’t help right now. I would also appreciate it if you don’t tell me how I feel: “You must be feeling devastated.” It doesn’t help. It’s OK to be silent with me. Maybe to touch me gently or put your arm round me, as you know I’m someone who likes physical contact.

But if you’ve experienced bereavement by suicide, I do want to know a little about it. It tells me you understand some of what I’m going through. But be careful what you tell me. I don’t want to know right now that someone never got over it or that they were broken by it. I really don’t want to know much about that suicide as I’m having trouble coping with this suicide.

Cliches, Although True, Are Unhelpful

Death by suicide is also a time of cliches. Yes, I know I have to take one day (or even one hour) at a time. I know that time heals, but right now I’m faced with another day to get through. And please, please, please don’t tell me that all we can do is love one another. It’s true but it’s not helpful right now when I’m experiencing the pain of loving so much.

Why Death by Suicide Anyway?

“Death by suicide” sounded odd to me when I first started saying it. Partly because of the enormity of what it said and partly because it seemed contrived. I started off by saying “he committed suicide” or “He chose to end his life.”

I find both of these acceptable descriptions of what happened, but some people who are bereaved by suicide don’t like them. “Committed” makes it a sound like a crime – it no longer is. Some people also don’t like “chose” to kill themselves/end their life, as they feel people don’t chose it. They are driven to it in some way.

So, it’s best to say “died by suicide” and “bereaved by suicide” for those people or those days when anything else feels wrong.

Above All, Please Don’t Get Discouraged to Reach Out

I’ve written so many things for you not to do. You may be frightened of doing anything in case it’s wrong. But the worse thing you could do is withdraw or avoid me. Send me a card. Send me another card a few weeks later. Send me an occasional message or email reminding me that you are one of the good things in my life, still there when I’m ready.

If you meet me, ask me how I am. I may say “Fine” and move on or I may want to stop and talk. Just wait for me to decide. Be patient with me while I find a way to go forward without my bright star of a grandson. Understand that I have an overwhelming concern for the welfare of his parents.

I know the depth of my pain. I cannot imagine theirs. I am a mother, but how can I comfort my son and daughter-in-law in this time of terrible loss? This grief is not just about me, but also about the others affected so directly by this intense loss.

Adapting to This New Life

I’m practising what I will say when someone asks me how many grandchildren I have. Is it OK to say: two but my grandson died aged 15? What about: two but my grandson died by suicide aged 15? How much do I need to protect you from my grief? I don’t want to ruin your day. There’s enough misery in the world without me adding to it.

But I can’t answer: “Just one.” I need to honour my grandson and his life. He is still my grandson, Max.

Understand that right now I feel I’m living in a different world from you. I hope, with time, to be able to come back into your world, but there will always be a piece of me that belongs to Max and exists in this separate place. Life will never ever be the same again. So be patient with me. You can still be a good friend by just waiting for me to be ready to be with you again.

But please also understand that my feelings and experiences do not mirror those of everyone bereaved by suicide. Just be there for them in a way that does not demand a response. Let them find what helps, and be there if needed.

Remember that what they want may change from day to day. Being bereaved by suicide is frightening and devastating, but you can help in this way to make it a little easier to bear.

Do you think grief is different for everyone and depends on the circumstances? Have you felt the pain caused by a loved one’s suicide? What do you think can help a friend experiencing such deep grief?

Leva Bonaparte’s Floral Print Dress on Instagram

Southern Charm 2021 Instagram Fashion

Oh my goodness Leva Bonaparte’s floral print dress is absolutely adorable. It makes me want to get all dressed up with everywhere to go. And since things are slowly getting back to normal we are finally getting to add some events to our calendars. Which of course means we’re also getting to add new clothes to our carts. So take this as a helpful hint to keep your closet growing with a new floral print dress.

Sincerely Stylish,

Jess

Click Here to Shop Her Reformation Nikita Dress in Multiple Colors

Photo + ID Credit: @levabonaparte

Originally posted at: Leva Bonaparte’s Floral Print Dress

Crystal Kung Minkoff’s Leopard Print Blouse

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills 2021 Instagram Fashion

According to Instastories Crystal Kung Minkoff had a great day hanging with the kiddos. Then I had a great day after finding the deets on her leopard print blouse she had on while doing so. And now you’re about to have a great day because there are still a few pieces left in stock! But when that inevitably runs out (because omg cute) there are great Style Stealers below to get your paws on.

Sincerely Stylish,

Jess

Click Here to Shop Her Joie Tariana Blouse

Photo Credit: @crystalkungminkoff

Originally posted at: Crystal Kung Minkoff’s Leopard Print Blouse

I’ve said it before and I’ll proudly say it again — when it comes to mascara (whether drugstore, premium or luxury) Essence’s Lash Princess formula, is hands down my favorite of all time. When I found out the drugstore beauty brand was launching a new member to the Lash Princess collection, I knew I had to get my hands on it STAT. While I love the original Lash Princess Falsies Effect Mascara and have been using it for over five years (I always use the waterproof version), I simply had to give the new Lash Princess Curl Mascara a review.

Essence decided to launch this new addition to the Lash Princess lineup because fans had been requesting a curling formula for years — the collection already includes False Lash Effect (my tried and true holy grail), Sculpted Volume, and Volume formulas — each designed with different formulas and brush shapes to help create the desired result. The Lash Princess Curl Mascara is designed with a peanut-shaped wand, which allows you to get from root to tip and build volume while maximizing the curl factor. Best of all, this formula doesn’t flake or clump — sure, sometimes I do like that look, but on the daily — not so much.

Courtesy of Essence.

Buy: Essence Lash Princess Curl Mascara $4.99

Compared to the other mascaras in the Lash Princess line, the Lash Princess Curl Mascara definitely adds more of a lift and curve, but the difference is subtle. With that being said, the formula is still stellar and it wears all day without smudging, smearing, or transferring — and yes, I did try the non-waterproof version and it held up like a dream. For reference, I applied this mascara at eight in the morning in ultra-humid Austin Texas weather before boarding a flight back home to Los Angeles, which made for about a twelve-hour day, so I’d say it passed the long-wear-friendly test without a doubt.

Courtesy of Mia Maguire.

Above see the difference between my bare lashes (left) and two thin coats of Lash Princess Curl Mascara (right).

Buy: Essence Lash Princess Curl Mascara $4.99

Full disclosure: my best pandemic beauty habit was being consistent with my brow and eyelash serum (I swear by both the GrandeLASH and GrandeBROW formulas, BTW), so my lashes are already in good shape, but this mascara really did tighten the curl without having to use an eyelash curler. In comparison to its fellow Lash Princess counterparts, the Curl a drier, thicker consistency, which I personally think helps add more volume to the lashes as opposed to solely length.

Unlike the Sculpted Volume formula, however, the Curl doesn’t allow you to build up as many layers without clumping, but that’s the price you pay for that extra curl. Overall, while the Lash Princess Falsies Effect will remain my ride-or-die, the new Curl Mascara has definitely made its way into my go-to mascaras drawers and you best believe I’ll be taking it with me the next time I travel.