Being the primary care partner for a person living with dementia is tough. Beyond the grief of watching a person you love go through an unforgiving disease process, you’ve got the practical matter of another grown person’s life to manage, as well as your own.

That level of responsibility is overwhelming enough, but what happens when you go down? When you’re not feeling well, or when something unexpected happens, who steps up to take over?

I’ve been encouraging families to consider this question for years. The Girl Scout in me comes out, urging people to have a backup plan in case of emergency. I’ve also seen the need for a backup plan first hand.

When the Unexpected Happens

My mom was walking her dog one night and tripped on a torn-up chunk of sidewalk. She shattered her shoulder, requiring surgery with pins. This was followed by extensive physical therapy. At the same time, she was taking care of her mom, who was battling Alzheimer’s disease and in the last five years of her life. She didn’t have a backup plan ready to go.

Our tendency is to think the worst has already happened when we have a loved one who requires care 24/7. In reality, the worst-case scenario is really when something unexpected happens to the primary care partner and there’s no one at the ready to step in and provide necessary care. If you are a caregiver, you will understand this dilemma.

Respite care from an in-home care agency was an option, but my mother knew that a change in environment would be very confusing at that point. Luckily, Mom’s good friend Betty, who is also a professional care partner, was between assignments and able to come stay at my parents’ and provide care for my grandma. But what if Betty hadn’t been available?

When the Unexpected Happens Again!

You’d think the lesson to be prepared for unforeseen circumstances would’ve been learned, right? Not so much! Just a couple of years later, my dad’s father died unexpectedly. The funeral would be two hours away. Here we were again, needing care and without anyone lined up and ready to go.

We got lucky again that time thanks to a nurse on my staff who agreed to come do private duty for the day. But what do you do when you don’t come from a family of professionals, with connections you can call at the last minute?

The Backup Plan

The answer is to create a backup plan, of course! I get that no one likes to think in worst-case scenario terms. So I like to think of it like this. Make a plan, then put it away in a drawer. You don’t have to think about it again unless you need it. What-ifs won’t be taking up unnecessary space in your brain in the meantime.

I sincerely hope nothing as dramatic as a shattered shoulder or death in the family happens to you. But here’s another twist to consider. What if you just plain don’t feel good one day? As I write this, I have a nasty cold. My only “dependents” are my private clients and 3 little dogs.

It is possible for me to exchange email with my clients so they don’t have to sit through 10 sneezes in a row during a phone call or video conference. My dogs are small enough to run around the backyard, without needing walks as well. I’m lucky to have an easy backup plan.

So, what about your backup plan? Do you have one? Is it time to build one? Here’s how to get started if you’re without a plan, and some things to consider if you’ve got one.

Who’s Already on Your Team?

Make a list of all the people in your life you can reasonably expect to come through for you. This isn’t a list of all the people you think should come through for you, but people who will.

Write out their contact information next to their names, then make the list easy to find. I advise my clients to use a neon-green binder for important documents like this so it can be stuck on a bookshelf and forgotten, but also easy to spot when needed.

Who Can Be Added to The Team?

Now add some professionals to your list, too. This doesn’t mean you have to use them right now, but it’s good to have a short list when you need it, rather than start searching from scratch during a crisis.

Give Your Team a Workout

Don’t wait for an emergency. Give your team a workout now so you know if there are kinks in the system that need to be worked out. Another bonus to using respite care now is that your loved one can get comfortable with the idea of spending time with others, apart from you.

Savor Some Me-Time

The first time you bow out may be because you physically can’t handle being a care partner and have been brought to your knees by your current health conditions. But for next time, plan a little escape, a little me-time. Spend some time savoring the possibilities of what you’ll do. Enjoy the planning process.

And remember, you are every bit as important as your loved one!

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Have you put together a caregiver backup plan? Or do you have a cautionary tale to share? Share your experience in the comments below so we can continue the discussion.

The Real vs The Steal: Dupes We Love

As we head towards the end of the 12th season of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, if you’ve been shopping their style you may also be headed towards the end of your credit card limit. That’s why we’ve rounded up 5 of the best looks for less we’ve seen as of late. These pieces will leave you looking fab without contributing to your Beverly Hills bank account burn out.

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Originally posted at: The Real vs The Steal: Dupes We Love

We make decisions all our lives and, indeed, every day. Most of these are straight-forward and don’t require a lot of thought. What shall I have for lunch? Shall I read a book or watch the TV this evening? Should I phone up my daughter for a chat?

Yes, you may need to think for a small moment, but these decisions are not a matter of any agony. Whichever way you decide.

Larger Issues

But from time to time we are faced with much larger problems. We can procrastinate for a period, but eventually we need to decide. Such decisions tend to be ones that will affect our future lives in some substantial way.

They may be about housing. Should I downsize? If so, where should I go? What kind of commitment do I want to take on? Do I want a garden? And so forth.

Or they may be about life plans. Should I continue to work? If so, should it be full-time or part-time? Would I be happier volunteering a few days a week? If so, what kind of activity would I wish to engage in?

Or they may be about personal relationships. Should I try to mend fences with my oldest friend after a bad argument? Should I try to spend more time with my granddaughter, although it is very inconvenient to do so, as she lives a long way away?

And so forth. All very tricky.

What are the key considerations that will help us decide?

The Obvious Choices

Sometimes, the answer is clear and staring us in the face. Here is one scenario that I just invented.

You are thinking of moving to the granny annexe that your son and daughter-in-law have built with your needs in mind. You need help with a new disability, they want to look after you, and you are a very close family in any case. And you adore your grandson.

The decision is very straight-forward. A problem happily solved.

The Difficult Choices

But it isn’t always – perhaps not even usually – like that.

Often, there is some path that your head tells you is the right thing to do, but your heart feels it is wrong. For instance, let me amend the above scenario slightly.

You know that you need help, and you know your son and daughter-in-law want to look after you, but deep down, you don’t like their ways all that much. You don’t want to be thrust into their company on a daily basis. And your grandson is not being brought up in the way you like, so that he is not pleasant to be around.

It looks like you ought to accept their help, but you suspect that the move may result in a lot of arguments and aggravation.

What do you do?

Go with Your Emotions

I have never been one to tell friends or family how to lead their lives, because I feel such decisions are very personal and individual. I might help by asking a lot of pertinent questions, enabling them to clarify the issues.

But it would be very rare for me to advise them which way to fall.

I do often say, in the words of my husband who has said this for years, “Go with your emotions.” This is another way of saying “follow your heart.”

If you think about it long enough, you will find that most difficult decisions involve a conflict between what you think you ought to do and what you, deep down, want to do.

There is the sensible course, which everyone outside your orbit, would say “yes, of course, do that.”

And there is the course your heart tells you is right.

I say go with your heart every time.

Not Straight-Forward

But every case is different. It is rarely straight-forward.

You may be single and in your mid-60s and due for retirement. You are in good health, and everyone says, “Get out a bit, travel, see the world.” This sounds like sensible advice, but actually you love your work and enjoy the company of your colleagues and have no interest in travel.

Or perhaps it is the other way around. Everyone might say, “Times are hard, you should keep earning money while you’re able; don’t retire!” and this seems like the sensible course. But deep down, you are bored with your work and want to get out to see the world while you can.

Same scenario, different emotions. Only you can know which one is right.

And by all means, talk it over with someone who can ask the right questions. This can really help you to clarify where you want to be. Let it buzz around your head for a while.

Follow Your Heart

But do try to follow your heart.

It may not be easy. You may have to step on some people’s toes. It may cost you more money or mean that you have little money left over for anything else.

But every time that I have ever followed my head, I have realised afterwards it was the wrong thing to do. And when I have followed my heart, things have worked out, and I have felt at peace.

And peace of mind is worth everything.

Good luck.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Are you in the middle of making some key decision about your life? Does what you think you ought to do differ from what you, deep down, want to do? Does ‘follow your heart’ make sense to you?

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There comes a time in every person’s life when they wake up one morning and seriously consider getting botox. This occasion happens for me every few months, but then I talk myself down. Not because there’s anything wrong with the procedure, but because there are some needle-free alternatives that produce similar results (especially when you commit to using them for a while). One of those products I’m talking about is Peace Out Skincare’s retinol eye stick.

The easy-to-use balm is heralded as one of the best anti-aging products on the market—it’s so good that shoppers have dubbed it “botox on a stick.” And right now, it’s currently 25 percent off during the brand’s Labor Day sitewide sale.

“Holy! WOW! I have used many products to get rid of fine lines. Nothing. I tried the retinol stick and within days, people were asking me if I got Botox,” explained one shopper. “I even noticed the difference. I use this on my entire face and not only had it reduced my fine lines drastically around my eyes, reduced smoker lines around my lips, laugh lines on my face and totally brightened my face. It’s truly a miracle.”

This is the kind of skincare essential that novices and experts alike can benefit from. See, it’s a simple way to implement retinol into your routine, since the balm format doesn’t allow you to over-apply (which often leads to dryness and skin-shedding) and it’s gentle enough for sensitive skin. Whether you’re concerned about dark circles, fine lines, laugh lines or crow’s feet, you can smooth out those spots easily with this “miracle” stick.

RELATED: Here’s Exactly How to Use Retinol Without Irritating Your Skin

Courtesy of Peace Out Skincare.

A combination of retinol, astaxanthin (an antioxidant that can diminish the appearance of dark spots while also helping your skin maintain water to stay plump), power peptide complex (that smooths lines and firms skin) and squalene, which keeps skin hydrated and bouncy, is what makes this stick the cream of the crop.

They work together to gently and quickly smooth out skin and even out tone. It’s so fast-acting, that shoppers “saw results within a few days.”

“I have VERY dark hereditary under-eye circles and as of late very dry eye area,” explained one reviewer. “I used this for THREE days and it has already lightened my dark circles. Not to mention how much softer my eye skin area is!! My eye makeup goes on so much smoother now too!!”

In fact, according to a consumer study, a whopping 92 percent of users said their dark spots “look brighter” after using this product for four weeks and 89 percent of users said their under-eyes appeared firmer. It’s been a while since I’ve been in school, but I’m pretty sure those are high marks on any grading scale.

Using it is simple: after you cleanse your face at night, apply the product along your under eyes, and any other problem spots like your mouth lines, in a small circular motion. Follow this process with your favorite night cream and you’ll wake up looking as good as new!

“I’m turning 5-0 this year and the lines in the eyes were starting and I decided to give this a try based on the reviews. My eyes are sensitive and many eye creams and makeup irritate them. This did NOT cause any irritation,” wrote one happy shopper. “I use it daily at night and a different eye cream during the day. I love this stuff!”

Another year, another 365 days not needing any needlework. Pick one up yourself while it’s currently on sale!

Does a fog envelope you when you awaken in the morning, leaving you groggy and in-between the worlds of night and day? Or perhaps you feel like you are somewhere between Jekyll and Hyde?

Transition time from one state of awareness to another can be challenging when one has slept deeply. Even when sleep has been less than desired, a fog can fill the mind like a cloud in a box.

The older I get the more I crave good morning energy to launch my day which brings a youthful vigor to my being. Before using these techniques, I can see the look of morning fog on my face and feel it in my body. It leaves me feeling like I’ve just fainted, cannot think clearly or embrace my day. It’s nothing short of being a damsel in distress – morning distress.

I love the stimulating use of techniques that are easy while still lying in bed to dissipate the fog and nip the grog in the bud. They say it is not healthy for the body to jerk itself awake with an alarm clock and jump up out of a dead sleep. The shocking transition can be harmful to mood, body, and mind. It can also continue to carry some of the fog alongside your day. Helping the body to be naturally stimulated brings a graceful awakening that can clear fog like windshield wipers on a stormy day.

I am not a coffee drinker. So it is important for me to have something that assists in bringing an upsurge of energy to my mind and body with the sunrise. Regardless of whether or not I’ve gotten a good night’s sleep, these techniques always help me to feel more awake and on top of my unfolding day ahead.

First Step – Wriggle Your Toes

First and easiest is to wiggle your big toes with the second toes back and forth. Lying down, it is easy to feel the energy surge up the body after some wiggles. Choose the number of times required to get you more awake. I do a minimum of fifty wiggles or until I feel the shift begin to take hold to the next level of alertness. This toe wiggling stimulates the liver meridian. It’s an ancient Qi Gong technique. So easy to do! And I feel like a child when I toe wiggle.

Second Step – Rub Your Hands

The next step is to rub hands together to generate warmth in them. This generates movement of energy in the fingers and hands where there are many nerve endings that become stimulated. When they are warm, rub them all around your head, and face until it feels warm. The warmth is actually activated energy moving inside you. Pound lightly on the neck and shoulders, then tap underneath the collar bone. Do each of these for desired length that brings more alertness. Most mornings I do each of these steps for 15 seconds or so.

Third Step – Make a Sound

Make a sound. Not a word. A sound. Our bodies feel the sound, so make it one that feels good to you as a morning bugle to your cells telling them to “rise and shine.” I play with the “mmmmm” sound, first letting it slowly be a hum and then turn it into a kind of “yum” like I’ve just tasted something delicious. Hum to Yum. It creates a delightful feeling like I am stirring up a delicious day.

Fourth Step – Move Your Legs

Two legs at a time, slide your feet so that your knees are up as far as they will go, then slide your left foot back down to the reclining position, then slide it back up while the right leg and foot head to the reclining position. Repeat this ten times. This pumps your circulation to refresh and activate the brain in addition to energizing the whole body.

Fifth Step for Fog Busting

Final rallying for my body is to tap or rub from head down to toes which gets me sitting up and feeling more like having a day’s new gifts rather than being lost in the fog. Starting out the day with a laugh is a great energy boost, too!

Compare and contrast how your body feels and what stage of alertness you enter when you do the fog busting techniques. It’s really fun to have a fresh start. I love myself for doing this ritual every morning.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

What helps you to feel more awake in the mornings? Do you find that waking up slowly or quickly serves you better mentally, physically, emotionally? How long does it take for you to feel really awake once you’ve opened your eyes to the new day?