The Hidden Pressure to Have It All Figured Out
We have this obsession with needing to know what we want at all stages of our lives.
And it doesn’t fade with age. In fact, sometimes it gets louder.
There’s a subtle expectation that by now, by this stage of life, we should feel certain. Settled. Complete. As though we’ve arrived at a final version of ourselves.
The Pressure to Know What You Want
But what if that expectation has been following us since childhood?
“What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Damn, I’m part of the problem; I’m sure I’ve said this to my niece.
It sounds innocent enough. Encouraging, even, but it plants something early, the idea that we are supposed to know. That there is a right answer. That once we find it, we’re supposed to stick with it.
And that belief doesn’t stop in childhood. We choose subjects, careers, roles. Over time, those choices harden into identity. We stop saying, “This is what I’m doing,” and start saying, “This is who I am.”
But Things Don’t Always Remain the Same
Until something shifts. You can’t quite explain it. It just feels different.
The work that once energised you feels heavy. The role you’ve played so well doesn’t quite fit anymore. Even the things that used to light you up don’t quite land in the same way.
And instead of seeing that as growth, we see it as a flaw.
Surely by now, we tell ourselves, I should have this figured out?
Sometimes we reach midlife, or later, and what once felt steady suddenly fills us with dread. You find yourself back at a crossroads and start thinking there must be something wrong with you because you’re older now and still don’t know what you want.
Going Back Full Circle
You’re embarrassed. You hate to admit it, but you feel like you’re back where you were as a teenager or in your early 20s, still wondering what you want to do.
How can I feel this at this age?
And sometimes it’s not even about going back to who you were at a certain age.
Sometimes it’s about realising the roles you’ve carried for years as mother, wife, carer, organiser, the one who holds everything together, are shifting.
And when that happens, there’s this strange space.
You’re not unhappy. You’re not ungrateful. But you’re no longer defined in the same way.
And the question becomes quieter but heavier:If I’m not just this role… then who am I now?
You don’t really want to bring it up because you can almost hear it already:
“Don’t be ridiculous.”
“How can you not know what you want by now?”
Looking for Yourself
So you go on a quiet quest to find yourself. You try different things. Go to different places. Adopt different identities. Jeez, you might be vegetarian one month, exploring Buddhism the next, and taking up fencing after that.
This quest for knowing, for certainty, can be exhausting. Gut-wrenching even. But what if knowing exactly what you’re meant to do for the whole of your life is, quite frankly, a load of poppycock?
Humour me for a minute.
What if this need to label ourselves and stick to it is part of what keeps us stuck?
We’re taught that we have to know what we want, what we want to be. We’re conditioned to think there’s one correct path. Yet life throws unexpected turns and through all of it, we’re somehow meant to stay exactly the same?
Who decided that?
What If We All Have Seasons?
What if we’re meant to do different things in different chapters? Maybe we don’t have one single soul purpose. Perhaps we have a few. Or many. Or perhaps we simply evolve into truer versions of ourselves over time.
Did you know that a hermit crab outgrows its shell? The shell once protected it. It suited the crab perfectly. But as it grows, that same shell becomes restrictive. It doesn’t mean the shell was wrong. It simply means growth happened. So the crab finds a new shell.
Maybe We Need to Change the Narrative
It shouldn’t be embarrassing not to know. Uncertainty doesn’t equal failure! It can equal opportunity. Think of life less as something you must figure out once and for all, and more as something you get to explore. The world becomes a playground. You get to try things on and see what fits.
Doesn’t That Sound Exciting?
Growth doesn’t stop because we’ve reached a certain age. We all have the option to grow. To try new things. To test what works.
The only time it truly doesn’t work is when we stop allowing ourselves to try.
If any of this feels familiar, if you’re in a season of questioning and not quite sure what fits anymore, sometimes it helps to talk it through.
I offer free one-to-one discovery calls for women who want space to explore what this next chapter could look like.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Do you have everything in life figured out? What has escaped you to date? What identities have you tried so far? Which ones fit better than the others?
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