Month: May 2026

It occurred to me, as I was watching a television program, that I was fussing about the behavior of the characters. I thought to myself, Why am I still watching this show when the characters get on my nerve? Why do I keep watching it? How is it that I haven’t turned it off?

And that’s how this particular reflection came to be.

We Indulge in Toxic Behaviors – And Relationships!

Why do we put ourselves through turmoil when we know it isn’t good for us? Someone said to me, “This happens all the time. People are constantly complaining about stuff on the internet that is bothering them or complaining about something in politics. Why continue to complain and indulge? Just stop indulging in it. Just move forward.”

This is the same concept that we can apply to indulging in toxic relationships. We make all types of excuses to justify why we can’t disengage. Let’s examine this in detail from a Christian perspective.

Disengaging from harmful behavior is a mix of emotional, spiritual, and relational factors. Here are a few reasons:

People Pleasing

Like many people, the fear of conflict keeps many of us from disengaging – fearing the reaction of a difficult person.

Guilt and Responsibility

Individuals may feel responsible for the other person’s happiness or spiritual state.

Hoping for Change

This one is huge. Many people don’t abandon toxic relationships because they actively hope the other person(s) will change, or the situation will change.

Making Excuses

Making an excuse that the other person is in pain and dealing with their own stuff is common.

Why You Should Disengage from Harmful Behavior

Continued engagement in harmful behavior is detrimental to your physical, mental, and spiritual health. Many people confuse helping with enabling. However, they are not the same. Helping supports growth and responsibility. Enabling, on the other hand, protects harmful behavior.

For example, giving money to someone is not always kind, especially if you know it might support addiction or dishonesty. Therefore, biblical wisdom is essential. Scripture teaches love with truth and boundaries. It calls believers to correct with patience, not to ignore sin. When asking what the Bible says about enabling, we see clear guidance. God values accountability. He also values compassion that leads to healing. As a result, believers must seek balance. Healthy love encourages repentance and growth.

What to Do Next to Disengage from Harmful Behavior

Letting go and moving forward is a deliberate process which includes stopping excuses, accepting your role in the situation, forgiving yourself, and removing emotional or physical triggers. Key strategies involve setting boundaries, engaging in new activities, and focusing on positive goals.

Steps to Move Forward to Leave Behind Harmful Behavior

#1: Identify the Problem

Recognize what is pulling you to the toxic behavior or relationship and actively decide to leave it behind. This includes letting go of the need to have the last word or wishing for a different past or outcome.

#2: Forgive and Accept

Stop ruminating on the past and forgive yourself (and others) for past actions. Acknowledge your role, accept it, and stop making excuses. Also keep in mind that forgiving does not mean putting yourself into the toxic relationship again.

#3: Create Physical/Mental Distance

Remove physical items that trigger memories of the harmful behavior or relationship. Change your routine and create new experiences to replace old ones.

#4: Focus on the Future

Rebuild your identity by engaging in new, positive activities and hobbies. Shift your focus to joy, hope, and personal growth.

#5: Plan

Clear boundaries, set a timeline for moving on. Jesus walked away from people on occasion, and he allowed them to walk away from him. Follow his example.

#6: Confronting Sin

The Bible tells us to confront sin. Stand up to bad behavior to protect your peace and joy in love.

#7: Leaving Room for God

Enabling stops someone from reaping what they sow, whereas detachment allows them to face consequences and potentially grow.

#8: Prioritizing Peace

When a situation remains toxic, it is often a sign to move on and trust God.

Jesus taught his disciples, “If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet” (Matthew 10:14). Therefore, like our Lord Jesus, we must learn to walk away so that we won’t be sidetracked from our mission. If a person is getting in the way of who God wants me to be and what he wants me to do, that person is toxic to me and I have permission to walk away.

Last, But Most Important

How do we stay engaged without trying to rescue or fix our loved ones? First, we begin with prayerful self-examination. We start by looking at our own stuff. We can begin by seeking God and asking him to reveal any areas of sin, lack of faith, or selfishness in our lives.

Staying engaged means working on and asking ourselves the hard questions. “What is the Lord teaching me right now? How is He transforming me? Am I learning to let go and trust Him? What sins do I need to confess to receive forgiveness and healing?”

James encourages us to confess our sins to each other. Are you controlling? Are you enabling? Are you manipulating? These are all good things to confess to the Lord and to someone you trust who can offer you godly wisdom and counsel.

Let go of any pride or concern about what people might think of you. We all stumble. We all fall. We all make poor choices.

As you pray, remember that your prayers are powerful and effective. They accomplish big things. By praying you can stay fully engaged in the life of your wayward loved one while disengaging from their drama and your constant need to react. You can let go of what you think is best for them. You can release your need to save and rescue them. You can stop obsessing and start rejoicing as you trust the Lord with their lives.

Finally, Seek Peace

When you come to the Lord in prayer and thanksgiving, he will grant you perfect peace, a peace that will guard your heart and protect your mind. A peace that only comes when we learn to let go and let God fight our battles for us.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

What harmful behaviors do you indulge in? Do you watch the news too often or spend too much time on the social media? Have you ever enabled the bad behaviors of others? What toxic relationships have you found yourself in – and how did you explain them to yourself?

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With the summer months fast approaching, we should think of ways to use the weather – and outdoor pools – to our advantage. Sometimes it’s nice to lounge around in the water when the heat of summer is too much, but it’s also a fun way to get your heart pumping.

Water workouts are great for your body, so take some time this summer to get moving in your favorite pool. They just may be the key to better fitness after 50!

Get Prepared for Your Water Workouts

To get the best workout possible from your pool time, you’ll need more than your favorite swimsuit and some trusted goggles. Some workout tools may cost you some cash, but they’re a necessity if you’re looking to use the pool for a more long-term routine.

Water shoes, water gloves, weights and kickboards can all come in handy. Water shoes provide traction on the pool floor to keep you where you need to be, and water gloves can help you zoom through water. Styrofoam weights or kickboards increase the resistance of your routine.

Design Your Workout

Designing your workout is easier said than done, right? What are your options for working out in the water? As with most exercising, you’ll want to start with a warm-up. Just because your mind is ready to go doesn’t mean your muscles are. Before you get near the pool, take at least five minutes to take a quick walk or do some jumping jacks. The jumping jacks can also be done in the pool, but they must be done in chest-deep water.

Strengthen Those Muscles

If one of your workout goals is to make your muscles stronger, try doing some K-treads in the pool. It’s a fairly simple move – imagine moving your body into a K shape: your arms go out with your hands cupped, while one leg stays down and the other goes straight out. This move targets the back, chest, arms, butt, abs and hamstrings.

Tread water with your arms, switching to extend each leg every five seconds for a total of 30 seconds.

Get That Heart Pumping

Water gloves are a good tool for this next workout. Deep-water walking will get some cardio into your routine while focusing on strengthening your abs. The key to this exercise is to walk into chest-deep water, tighten your abdominal muscles and keep your back straight.

Once in position, walk while swinging your arms. If you need to, place a water noodle between your legs to help you stay above water if you walk into the deep end.

Tone Your Legs with this Water Workout

Because water workouts give excellent resistance, the pool is the perfect place to work on your legs. Once you’re standing in waist-deep water, swing your left leg forward quickly. Pull it back in, then swing it out to the side. Repeat this with both of your legs between 10 and 15 times. You’ll be feeling the burn in no time! Glass of water, anyone?

Remember to Rest

When working out in the pool, it can be easy to forget how far is too far. The buoyancy in water relieves aches and pains in the body, which makes it a great option for a workout, but it also means you have to be careful about knowing your limits.

People of all ages are advised to take to the pool to exercise for a variety of reasons. Exercising can be especially difficult for people with joint pains, but water exercise can help that.

In fact, there is a 19% decrease in pain after using an underwater treadmill instead of a traditional one. Even if you walk in the water without a treadmill, like the exercise mentioned above, you’ll notice an improvement in your ability to move and stretch without pain.

Once you’ve taken a moment to enjoy the benefits of the first half of your workout and get a sip of water, it’s time to get back in the pool!

Make Those Knees Work

Swim out to the part of the pool that’s about waist-deep. Bring your right knee up to a 90-degree angle, then put your foot back down on the floor. Repeat with your left knee. Continue at a faster pace for about two minutes. When performing vertical exercises in the pool, you’ll experience 75% more resistance because of the increased drag on your limbs.

Strengthen Your Arms

Don’t leave the pool without focusing on your arms. Stand in chest-deep water and have your arms flat at your sides with your thumbs facing forward. Lift both arms to the surface, turning the palms to be flat while you move to increase resistance.

Return arms to your sides and repeat at a swift pace for two minutes. There are plenty of other arm workouts to try if this seems too easy, but it’s better to start out with something you know you can do and work your way up from there.

Splash Around to Burn Calories

Next, try doing some butterfly kicks. Put your back against the pool wall and lay your arms along the edge. Lift your legs out and kick at the surface for 10 seconds with a 10-second rest. Doing this move in the water will speed up your heart rate and burn more calories than butterfly kicks on land.

Exercise Your Biceps

If you have Styrofoam weights, this one’s for you. Hold one weight in each hand underwater and curl them up to chest height, bringing them back down to be level with your waist. By adjusting the size of your pool weight, you’ll increase your resistance and isolate specific muscle groups.

Bounce in Place

Try jumping as high as you can out of the water and sinking back down into a squat ten times in a row, and you’ll feel your quads and butt start to work. This Frog Jump exercise doesn’t require you to ribbit, but it will make you sweat.

Finish with Some Knee Tucks

Finally, place your arms over your pool noodle and lift your knees to your chest. After putting your feet back down on the pool floor, repeat this movement for 30 seconds to work your core. Give it three to five rounds, and you’ve gotten a complete workout in!

Once you’ve hit these 10, go towel off and take a shower. You’ve earned it some relaxing pool time and a few rays.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Do you enjoy doing water workouts – swimming, water aerobics or something else? What workout goals do you have for the summer months? What changes are you making to control your weight and promote healthy aging? Please join the conversation in the comments section.

Here’s something nobody really prepares you for. You work for 30 or 40 years, and every two weeks, money shows up in your account. You know exactly what’s coming. You plan your life around it. Then one day you retire, and that rhythm just… stops. You’re sitting there looking at a number in your 401(k), and the question hits you: How do I actually turn this into reliable retirement income? Month after month? Without lying awake at 2 a.m. wondering if I’m going to run out?

If that sounds familiar, you’ve got company. A 2025 Allianz Life study found that 64% of Americans are more afraid of outliving their savings than dying. Let that sink in. And research from Boston College’s Center for Retirement Research shows that half of retirees feel genuinely uncomfortable watching their portfolio balance go down, even when their spending is completely on track.

But here’s what I want you to know. You can absolutely build yourself a retirement paycheck system. A system that delivers reliable monthly income while giving you the flexibility to actually enjoy your life.

Why Creating Retirement Income Feels So Hard (Especially for Women)

I talk to a lot of people about this transition, and honestly, it’s one of the toughest psychological shifts in all of retirement. Think about it. For decades, every financial message you ever heard was about saving more, spending less, watching that balance climb. Now you need to flip that entire script and give yourself permission to spend the money you worked so hard to save. Research from Age Wave and Merrill Lynch shows it takes about 18 months for most retirees to get comfortable with this.

Eighteen months. That’s a long time to feel anxious about something that should feel like freedom.

Only 46% of women reported feeling confident in their retirement plans in 2025, down from 52% just two years earlier. Among single women, that drops to 32%. Among divorced women, just 34%. Divorced women face particularly unique challenges when planning retirement income strategies.

This is exactly why the retirement paycheck system works so well. It tackles both sides of the problem: the financial math and the emotional comfort of knowing a specific amount is coming every month. Because sometimes just knowing the money will be there is half the battle.

The 3-Step Retirement Income Builder

Step 1: Know Your Monthly Number

Before you can build a paycheck, you need to know what it should be. The average retiree aged 65 to 74 spends about $4,870 per month. But your number is yours. Nobody else’s.

The key here is getting specific with your own situation rather than relying on averages. Tools like ReadyAimRetire can help you model these categories with your actual numbers and see how different spending levels affect your overall plan.

One reassuring thing worth knowing: retirement spending typically follows what researchers call a “spending smile.” You spend more in those active early years (the “go-go” phase, as some planners call it), less in the slower middle years, and more again only if significant healthcare needs pop up late in life. The first five years of retirement are particularly crucial for setting your spending baseline. You won’t need peak spending forever. That’s a relief.

Step 2: Build Your Income Floor

Your income floor is the guaranteed money that arrives every month no matter what the stock market does. This covers your needs, and ideally some of your wants too.

Social Security is the foundation. In 2026, the average monthly benefit is $2,071, but your benefit depends a lot on when you claim. Claiming at 62 means accepting just 70% of your full retirement age benefit. Waiting until 70 pushes it to 124%. That’s roughly a 77% larger check at 70 compared to 62.

Let’s look at a real example. Say your full retirement age benefit is $2,500 per month. If you claim at 62, you’d get $1,750. If you wait until 70, you’d get $3,100. That’s $1,350 more per month for the rest of your life. For women, who statistically live longer, delaying often pays off in a big way.

Pensions, if you have one, add to this floor. So do annuities, which essentially let you create your own pension. Fixed annuity rates from A-rated carriers currently range from about 5.0% to 5.7% for three- to five-year terms, though rates are expected to edge lower through 2026 as interest rate cuts take effect.

Research from the Retirement Income Institute found that retirees with annuitized income spend twice as much as those with equal savings but no guaranteed income stream. It’s not that they have more money. They have more confidence. Confidence changes everything.

Step 3: Fill the Gap with Smart Withdrawal Strategies

Whatever your income floor doesn’t cover, your investment portfolio handles. This is where your retirement withdrawal strategy comes in.

The Bucket Approach

The bucket approach is one of the most intuitive methods I’ve seen. You divide your portfolio into three buckets:

• Bucket 1 (1-2 years of expenses): Cash and short-term savings. This is your buffer. When markets drop, you draw from here instead of selling investments at a loss.
• Bucket 2 (3-7 years): Bonds and conservative investments. This refills Bucket 1 over time.
• Bucket 3 (8+ years): Stocks and growth investments. This has years to recover from downturns and keeps your portfolio growing ahead of inflation.

I like this approach because it gives you a clear answer when markets get rocky. Instead of panicking, you just point to Bucket 1 and say, “I’m fine for the next two years.” That peace of mind is worth a lot. However, sequence of returns risk remains a critical consideration in your early retirement years, regardless of which withdrawal strategy you choose.

Withdrawal Rule

The classic 4% rule says you can pull 4% of your portfolio in year one, then adjust for inflation each year. But here’s something interesting. Bill Bengen, the guy who actually created that rule, now says retirees sticking with 4% are “cheating themselves a little bit.” He recommends 4.7% as the worst-case safe rate, and with a broadly diversified portfolio, he suggests current retirees could go as high as 5.25% to 5.5%. Meanwhile, Morningstar’s latest research sets the safe starting rate at 3.9% for a 30-year horizon with a 90% success probability. Recent research suggests the traditional 4% rule may need updating for current market conditions.

So what does that look like in real dollars? A $500,000 portfolio at 4% generates $1,667 per month before taxes. At $800,000, that’s $2,667. Those are real numbers you can plan around.

The beauty of testing these different withdrawal strategies is that you can see how they perform with your specific portfolio and timeline.

Guardrails Method

The guardrails method adds some nice flexibility. You set an upper and lower boundary around your withdrawal rate. If your portfolio grows and your withdrawal rate drops 20% below your starting rate, you give yourself a 10% raise. Nice. If markets fall and your rate climbs 20% above your starting rate, you cut spending by 10%. This Guyton-Klinger approach allows starting withdrawal rates of 5.2% to 5.6% with over 99% success rates in historical testing. That’s a pretty compelling track record.

The beauty of testing these different withdrawal strategies is that you can see how they perform with your specific portfolio and timeline. Running your own projections at ReadyAimRetire.com lets you compare how the bucket approach, guardrails method, or traditional percentage withdrawals work with your actual numbers and risk tolerance.

The Tax Piece You Can’t Ignore

I know, I know. Nobody wants to talk about taxes. But the order you pull money from different accounts matters more than most people realize. Here’s a general rule of thumb for your withdrawal sequence:

1. Taxable brokerage accounts first (often taxed at lower capital gains rates)
2. Tax-deferred accounts (traditional IRA, 401k) next
3. Roth accounts last (tax-free growth for as long as possible)

Now here’s where it gets interesting. During the years between retirement and claiming Social Security, or before required minimum distributions kick in at age 73 (rising to 75 in 2033 for those born in 1960 or later), you may be in an unusually low tax bracket. That’s prime territory for Roth conversions. You shift money from your traditional IRA to a Roth while paying taxes at a lower rate than you’d pay later. It’s like finding money in the couch cushions, except it’s your future self thanking you.

Many retirees make costly mistakes with their required distributions, so planning your withdrawal strategy well before age 73 can save significant tax dollars down the road.

Your First Move

You don’t need to build this whole system next weekend. Start with one step this week: calculate your monthly number. Grab a cup of coffee, sit down, and write out what you actually spend (or expect to spend) across needs, wants, and wishes. That single number becomes the anchor for every decision that follows.

Then figure out your income floor. Log into your Social Security account at ssa.gov and check your projected benefit at 62, 67, and 70. The gap between your monthly number and your guaranteed income tells you exactly what your portfolio needs to produce.

That gap is not a problem. It’s a solvable equation. And once you can see it clearly, the anxiety starts to lift. You’re not guessing anymore. You’re running a system. One that sends you a paycheck every single month, just like the ones you earned for all those years.

Every retirement plan is different, which is why modeling your specific situation makes such a difference. Start by running your numbers at ReadyAimRetire to see exactly how these strategies work with your timeline, portfolio, and goals.

Only now, the money works for you.

Thanks for reading – you’re doing great!

Let’s Have a Conversation:

What’s your biggest money concern and how are you planning to handle it? What tools are you using to calculate your income and spending habits?

One of the biggest challenges in online dating is when you meet someone and something just doesn’t feel right, or it feels too right. You can become overwhelmed by displays of romance and affection. Could it be love at first sight? Or is it a warning sign?

Recently, I sat down with psychotherapist Gretchen Genz Davidson, who has decades of experience helping people navigate relationships. We took a deep dive into this complicated area of dating, understanding the behavior that can help daters determine whether someone could be a good match, or one of the worst types you can meet – the narcissist. Below are portions of our conversation, which have been edited for brevity and clarity.

Spotting a Pattern

MARY: Gretchen, you know quite a bit about narcissists. How did your interest in that area of psychology come about?

GRETCHEN: It’s very interesting. I was working with people, mostly women, whose relationship patterns I was trying to understand. There was something recurring in their stories. Then I was in a personal relationship where I recognized somewhere in the middle of it, that my partner was likely a narcissist, and it sort of hit me that my own experience was mirroring what my clients were describing. It was kind of like my head exploded because even though I could look at what a narcissist is on paper, that doesn’t always help you to understand how it’s operationalized in everyday life.

GRETCHEN: I found that what my clients were describing is what I was feeling. Some of those things would be confusion, intense self-doubt, a difficulty getting out of the relationship and a distortion of your sense of reality. This was really before it became like an explosion on the internet. Now everybody’s talking about it, but back then it was not so much something that we paid a lot of attention to.

Sorting It Out

MARY: What is a narcissist? What’s the difference between narcissistic traits and narcissistic personality disorder?

GRETCHEN: We bandy it about a lot, but it’s really important to differentiate a true narcissist, somebody with a personality disorder, from somebody with narcissistic traits. A true narcissist is going to have a profound lack of empathy, an inflated sense of self that is also quite fragile, and maybe most apparent, it’s a chronic need for admiration and validation. We call it narcissistic supply. A narcissist looks for supply, which is that constant admiration and validation. But underneath this all, this is the really key part, is the fragility that’s underneath this grandiose picture. All this bravado, it masks a deep sense of shame. Narcissists are very fragile because they touch that shame. And they must hide from their own shame.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Gretchen tells me that there are nine specific clinical diagnostic traits that determine whether one is a narcissist, and that one only needs to meet five of them to be considered as having narcissistic personality disorder.

GRETCHEN: The word narcissist gets overused because it’s really a difficult diagnosis to make and probably only somewhere between 1% and 5% of the population would meet the criteria for the actual personality disorder, but the damage that people feel from others with just a few narcissistic traits is very real and can be very, very profound. I can list the nine traits, and they have to meet five of them. A good way to remember those criteria is by using the acronym SPECIAL ME.

SPECIAL ME

GRETCHEN: Special Me. It’s a good way to remember it. A sense of Self-importance, the grandiosity, a Preoccupation with fantasies of power, beauty or success. They’re very Entitled. They expect special treatment, whether they’ve deserved it or not. They Can only be around people who are special. In other words, they really like to be around other people that elevate their status. They are Interpersonally exploitative for their own gain. They can be extremely Arrogant. Definitely they must Lack empathy. They Must be admired, and they are Envious of others or believe others are envious of them.

GRETCHEN: If they meet 5 of these criteria, and it’s a pretty rigid, pervasive pattern, and it damages many areas of their functionality, their work, their relationships or other areas of life, then that is what would get them the diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder. Some people might have four of those traits and they’re not a full-on narcissist, but they are still very difficult people and may be people who you don’t want to be around.

A Big, Red Flag – Love Bombing

MARY: When you meet someone in dating, you always want to put your best foot forward. So, when you first meet someone, is it possible to see the red flags that early on? Are there red flags that you can learn to spot right away?

GRETCHEN: Sure, the traditional red flags, like love bombing. It’s an overwhelming amount of attention. Intensity. That’s an important one. They tend to be more intense than others. And really, intensity is not the same thing as intimacy. Intensity usually feels very amazing in the beginning, like a magical experience, which is why we miss the red flags. Another thing to look for is they may idealize you early on. It feels intoxicating. It feels wonderful. But it is manipulative.

GRETCHEN: There’s nothing wrong with them saying, “Oh, you’re so pretty,” or “I really like you. I enjoyed myself.” That’s not love bombing. But, you know, when it’s like, “Oh my God, I’ve been waiting for you all my life!” or “I’ve never met anybody like you. You’re just amazing!” That is something to watch out for. It may feel really good, but they’re basically a stranger.

GRETCHEN: So, for them to idolize you to that point is of concern. It may feel good. You may think, ‘Oh, my God, yeah, I’m the woman he’s been waiting for. I’m so awesome.’ You may indeed be awesome, but you’re a stranger to him, so he’s manipulating your emotions.

Monopolizing and Mirroring

GRETCHEN: Another thing you gotta watch out for is, and this is a pretty easy one to spot, is when they monopolize the conversation. Everything comes back to them. If you’ve ever talked to somebody like this, they could talk for two hours about how great they are and maybe look at you once and say, “So where are you from?” That kind of thing.

MARY: But we as women are raised in a society that teaches you that when you go out with a guy, ask a guy a lot of questions. They love to talk about themselves and that plays right into their hands.

GRETCHEN: Oh absolutely! And that’s a big part of why I think we end up with narcissists that validate that kind of behavior. Another thing you can really look for is mirroring. And what I mean by that is they seem perfect because they’re constantly reflecting back the things you say or your values, like, ‘Oh, my God, I feel that way! My God, we’re so much alike!” Those are of concern. Again, this is a stranger, and that is manipulation. This is a harder one to notice because it usually doesn’t happen right away.

Testing Boundaries

Gretchen tells me there are other behaviors to watch out for, such as gaslighting, as those with narcissistic traits begin to test boundaries.

GRETCHEN: I call it testing behavior, which means they start testing boundaries. They start pushing boundaries. They may start out very small, like they’re always late. At first, they might say, “Oh, I’m sorry, it won’t happen again,” but then it happens again and again. And you finally say, “This bothers me that you’re always late,” or whatever. And they go, “What is this thing about you needing me to be on time all the time? This sounds really controlling to me.” They’ll flip it around and gaslight you.

GRETCHEN: Another thing you’ve got to watch for is a charming guy. Of course, a man can be charming, and it doesn’t mean he’s a narcissist. But excessive charm, using charm to try to test your boundaries, say, “Oh, come on, let’s give it a try” when you’re uncomfortable. That’s something that you can maybe not find out right away, but as soon as it happens, pay attention! A lot of times they will push you to define the relationship really quickly, maybe to see them too often or to say we’re exclusive to move in. There’s a joke about it: Nobody falls in love faster than a narcissist who needs a place to live!

Red Flag or Green Flag?

MARY: Are there some personality traits that might be misunderstood? Can you tell me what kinds of behaviors you might misinterpret as a red flag, but really aren’t?

GRETCHEN: Being charismatic or charming, if it’s not excessive, or exploitive, if it’s not used in connection with testing boundaries or not taking accountability. I think being charismatic is a lovely thing to have. Another is having strong opinions. I’m very opinionated. I think you’re probably, too.

MARY: I am opinionated, that’s for sure!

GRETCHEN: That doesn’t mean that you’re a narcissist. It just means that we have strong opinions about things. Many people do. So, there’s a difference we’ve seen being having strong opinions and then just being overbearing and feeling like you’re right about everything and everybody else is wrong.

GRETCHEN: Another thing is enjoying attention. We all love attention, right? We like somebody to be nice to us. We like them to compliment us, text us. That could be something that people mistake as narcissism. We all enjoy attention. We go on Facebook and we put on a fun post, and we get a lot of attention for it. That doesn’t make us a narcissist. We’re not demanding attention, but we can enjoy attention. Narcissists demand attention. And if they don’t get it, they can be pretty snarly about it.

GRETCHEN: One other thing is probably ambition. People can be ambitious and want a better life for themselves. It does not at all mean that they are a narcissist, that they’re going to exploit you. Confidence is not something that is necessarily a red flag. People who are confident can make room for other people, right? They can say, “I want you to do great as well.” Narcissists can’t share the attention. They need to be the only confident one in the room. Everybody else has got to take a back seat and narcissists really can’t laugh at themselves.

MARY: Self-deprecating humor does not exist in their world, right?

GRETCHEN: It does not, unless they’re manipulating you.

Green Flags – Empathy & Chemistry

Gretchen reminds me that there are some personality “must-haves” to look out for when you’re dating. I call them the green flags of dating.

GRETCHEN: Empathy and reciprocity are the real things that you have to look for. Some people can do performative empathy where they know to say, “Oh, your mother died. I’m so sorry for your loss.” Anybody can do that. That’s sympathy. Empathy means they can put themselves in your shoes, and know how it feels to be you, and that your separateness from them, your needs, your feelings, they take those into account.

GRETCHEN: A narcissist cannot do that. A narcissist believes you are an extension of their own arm. Whatever they feel, whatever they need, that’s what you should also feel. Reciprocity is they show curiosity about you. They can tolerate not being in the center of things all the time. A narcissist has to be in control, and they will dismiss you, and they may not show very much of any curiosity about you.

MARY: How can someone tell the difference between actually having chemistry or being manipulated?

GRETCHEN: Chemistry can feel exciting, but it still feels safe. You feel like you can be yourself. You don’t feel like you’re walking on eggshells. You don’t feel anxious. You feel like you and the other person are kind of taking it at a similar pace. But if it’s manipulation, it often feels disorienting, like you are walking on eggshells. You’re not quite sure what’s going on. It may go too fast. It may be too intense for you. It’s like, it’s almost like you’re being pulled forward emotionally before you’re really ready for it.

MARY: You may have that feeling of being off-balance a little.

GRETCHEN: Feeling off-balance, right.

Trusting Your Instincts

MARY: I talk and write about this a lot, about how you need to trust your gut instinct, really listen to your gut. If it doesn’t feel right, there’s probably something off, right?

GRETCHEN: Absolutely. And that may be the most important thing in learning to protect yourself from potential narcissists in dating is that if you feel slightly off, if in your body, you feel uncomfortable, there’s something there. If it feels exciting but also feels uncomfortable – pay attention to that. I think a lot of people don’t pay attention, and then they are deep in and get emotionally connected before they really find out the bad stuff.

MARY: In dating, it’s easy to ignore things for so many reasons. You desperately want this relationship to work out and ‘Oh, I’ll overlook this and I’ll overlook that.’ I made that mistake a thousand times, giving people the benefit of the doubt. I finally learned in my long online dating adventure to pull the trigger early on. If it doesn’t feel right, bye-bye. Is that being too rough?

GRETCHEN: Not at all. At the very least, if people don’t feel like they can pull the plug right away, then slow it down. Take it slow. I think we should do that regardless because, like I said, we’re dating a stranger. We need time to find out who the stranger is. And if you’re feeling really powerful chemistry, so powerful, like, ‘Oh, my God! I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I think about this person 24-7 but I’m not really sure how they feel about me because I haven’t heard from them in two days and oh, my God.’ That is a danger signal. If you’re really focusing in on what you’re feeling, you’re feeling anxious. And that’s not how you should be feeling. You might be mistaking anxiety for chemistry. And because these are highly narcissistic people, they’re very skilled. They read what they think you need and reflect it back to you. And they’ll do it in the early stages. That’s part of how they pull you into their web.

The Emotional Impact

MARY: What can the emotional impact be for someone who’s dating a narcissist? Some of it can be pretty bad, right?

GRETCHEN: It can be really bad. You want to try to get out, like you said, as soon as possible, because the longer you’re in it, the more your sense of self erodes. The impact, it’s like any abusive relationship, and that’s what we call it narcissistic abuse.  The worst thing is how it erodes your self-trust. You’re being gaslighted and you start to really doubt your own reality.

MARY: So how does one learn to date again without fear? That’s tough. You have to trust your instinct, getting back to trusting your instincts, building that, right?

GRETCHEN: Right, because you almost need to be debriefed like someone who’s been in a cult. You have to get back your sense of reality because you’ve become very used to feeling anxious and feeling hyper-vigilant. You start to blame yourself because you start to internalize what the narcissist is saying about you, their narrative about you.

GRETCHEN: You get something called trauma bonding. I don’t know if you’ve heard of intermittent reinforcement. That’s what they use in Las Vegas to get you hooked on gambling. You get intermittently reinforced, like you’re playing a slot machine or whatever and you’re not getting anything for a while and then you’re about to walk away and then it gives you something. It dings up and you get like 100 bucks. So, you’re like, ‘Okay, I’m going to stick around.’ That’s intermittent reinforcement. And that creates an attachment that’s very hard to break. Even when you start to realize that this person is harmful because you’re always waiting for the payout.

Trust Yourself

If you’ve been thrown for a loop by dating a narcissist and are afraid to get out there again, Gretchen has some solid tips on how to move on and date in a way that’s good for your mental health.

GRETCHEN: Probably the most important thing I could tell people about how to date again without fear is that you have to rebuild trust in your own perception. You have to reconnect with your own instincts before you even start dating. Make sure your instincts are up and running. Make sure you feel a good amount of trust in your own perception and make sure that you slow things down. Like I said, slow the pace of intimacy, that will help. Understand that it’s okay to have boundaries. It’s okay to say no because narcissists will push you, and you have to be strong enough in your own sense of self. We can never say, ‘I’ll never be hurt again,’ but we can recognize the red flags sooner.

MARY: Can those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder change?

GRETCHEN: There’s a joke that goes like this: How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the rest of the world has to revolve around them.” I’m gonna be really honest here. No, it’s very treatment resistant. They don’t seek help unless they’re extremely pressured, or they have some massive loss of ego in their lives, because they’re all about their ego. Somebody dumps them that they really loved, or they lose a job. Basically, a narcissist will only come to therapy to get their ego stroked, and they’ll leave when they feel like they’ve replaced whatever they lost.

GRETCHEN: The things that we need in order to change, our insight and vulnerability, they don’t have either of those things. Vulnerability is too frightening for them, and they really have impaired insight. So, they really are not going to change. Maybe somebody with a couple of narcissistic traits might be wanting to change those traits and if they have insight and the ability for vulnerability, they can change. But somebody with the full-on NPD, they’re not going to change.

MARY: What are the best words of advice for spotting a narcissist and how to avoid them?

GRETCHEN: The first thing to keep in mind is, don’t try to diagnose. Just look for the patterns, look for the traits. In the beginning, look for some of the red flags I mentioned, and pay strong attention to how you feel. Do you feel off balance? Do you feel anxious? Do you feel like you’re not enough? Do you feel a lot of confusion about what’s real? If you start to feel those, then you could very well be dating a narcissist. You want to move away from that relationship. If you do hang with them for a little bit longer, the thing you want to look for is how they handle you saying no. Somebody who’s not a narcissist will handle no without shaming or blaming you. How do they respond to your needs? Do they minimize them? Do they dismiss them? Or do they honor them? And whether they are accountable. If you say, “Hey, that bothers me, you were late.” They say, “I’m really sorry, you’re absolutely right. I’ll do better.” And then they actually do it.

MARY: Be a man, be a man of your word, or a woman of your word, right?

GRETCHEN: Exactly. And I would say that the last thing is consistency. They need to show consistency over time. If they go hot and cold on you, that’s a really bad sign. I wouldn’t put up with it.

MARY: Gretchen, this has been so enlightening! Thank you!

GETCHEN: Oh, good, I’m glad.

Gretchen has a wonderful blog that you can visit at Kvetchin with Gretchen. There, you can sign up for her newsletter. You can also contact her through her blog.

After our conversation, Gretchen sent me something that perfectly sums up the personality of a narcissist. It’s called “The Narcissist’s Prayer” and it goes like this: “That didn’t happen, and if it did, it wasn’t that bad, and if it was, that’s not a big deal, and if it is, that’s not my fault, and if it was, I didn’t mean it, and if I did….you deserved it!”

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Have you ever found yourself involved with someone who was a narcissist or had narcissistic traits? If so, what was it like? If you’ve ever ended a relationship with someone who showed narcissistic traits, what was that experience like for you? And how are you today?