It occurred to me, as I was watching a television program, that I was fussing about the behavior of the characters. I thought to myself, Why am I still watching this show when the characters get on my nerve? Why do I keep watching it? How is it that I haven’t turned it off?
And that’s how this particular reflection came to be.
We Indulge in Toxic Behaviors – And Relationships!
Why do we put ourselves through turmoil when we know it isn’t good for us? Someone said to me, “This happens all the time. People are constantly complaining about stuff on the internet that is bothering them or complaining about something in politics. Why continue to complain and indulge? Just stop indulging in it. Just move forward.”
This is the same concept that we can apply to indulging in toxic relationships. We make all types of excuses to justify why we can’t disengage. Let’s examine this in detail from a Christian perspective.
Disengaging from harmful behavior is a mix of emotional, spiritual, and relational factors. Here are a few reasons:
People Pleasing
Like many people, the fear of conflict keeps many of us from disengaging – fearing the reaction of a difficult person.
Guilt and Responsibility
Individuals may feel responsible for the other person’s happiness or spiritual state.
Hoping for Change
This one is huge. Many people don’t abandon toxic relationships because they actively hope the other person(s) will change, or the situation will change.
Making Excuses
Making an excuse that the other person is in pain and dealing with their own stuff is common.
Why You Should Disengage from Harmful Behavior
Continued engagement in harmful behavior is detrimental to your physical, mental, and spiritual health. Many people confuse helping with enabling. However, they are not the same. Helping supports growth and responsibility. Enabling, on the other hand, protects harmful behavior.
For example, giving money to someone is not always kind, especially if you know it might support addiction or dishonesty. Therefore, biblical wisdom is essential. Scripture teaches love with truth and boundaries. It calls believers to correct with patience, not to ignore sin. When asking what the Bible says about enabling, we see clear guidance. God values accountability. He also values compassion that leads to healing. As a result, believers must seek balance. Healthy love encourages repentance and growth.
What to Do Next to Disengage from Harmful Behavior
Letting go and moving forward is a deliberate process which includes stopping excuses, accepting your role in the situation, forgiving yourself, and removing emotional or physical triggers. Key strategies involve setting boundaries, engaging in new activities, and focusing on positive goals.
Steps to Move Forward to Leave Behind Harmful Behavior
#1: Identify the Problem
Recognize what is pulling you to the toxic behavior or relationship and actively decide to leave it behind. This includes letting go of the need to have the last word or wishing for a different past or outcome.
#2: Forgive and Accept
Stop ruminating on the past and forgive yourself (and others) for past actions. Acknowledge your role, accept it, and stop making excuses. Also keep in mind that forgiving does not mean putting yourself into the toxic relationship again.
#3: Create Physical/Mental Distance
Remove physical items that trigger memories of the harmful behavior or relationship. Change your routine and create new experiences to replace old ones.
#4: Focus on the Future
Rebuild your identity by engaging in new, positive activities and hobbies. Shift your focus to joy, hope, and personal growth.
#5: Plan
Clear boundaries, set a timeline for moving on. Jesus walked away from people on occasion, and he allowed them to walk away from him. Follow his example.
#6: Confronting Sin
The Bible tells us to confront sin. Stand up to bad behavior to protect your peace and joy in love.
#7: Leaving Room for God
Enabling stops someone from reaping what they sow, whereas detachment allows them to face consequences and potentially grow.
#8: Prioritizing Peace
When a situation remains toxic, it is often a sign to move on and trust God.
Jesus taught his disciples, “If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet” (Matthew 10:14). Therefore, like our Lord Jesus, we must learn to walk away so that we won’t be sidetracked from our mission. If a person is getting in the way of who God wants me to be and what he wants me to do, that person is toxic to me and I have permission to walk away.
Last, But Most Important
How do we stay engaged without trying to rescue or fix our loved ones? First, we begin with prayerful self-examination. We start by looking at our own stuff. We can begin by seeking God and asking him to reveal any areas of sin, lack of faith, or selfishness in our lives.
Staying engaged means working on and asking ourselves the hard questions. “What is the Lord teaching me right now? How is He transforming me? Am I learning to let go and trust Him? What sins do I need to confess to receive forgiveness and healing?”
James encourages us to confess our sins to each other. Are you controlling? Are you enabling? Are you manipulating? These are all good things to confess to the Lord and to someone you trust who can offer you godly wisdom and counsel.
Let go of any pride or concern about what people might think of you. We all stumble. We all fall. We all make poor choices.
As you pray, remember that your prayers are powerful and effective. They accomplish big things. By praying you can stay fully engaged in the life of your wayward loved one while disengaging from their drama and your constant need to react. You can let go of what you think is best for them. You can release your need to save and rescue them. You can stop obsessing and start rejoicing as you trust the Lord with their lives.
Finally, Seek Peace
When you come to the Lord in prayer and thanksgiving, he will grant you perfect peace, a peace that will guard your heart and protect your mind. A peace that only comes when we learn to let go and let God fight our battles for us.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
What harmful behaviors do you indulge in? Do you watch the news too often or spend too much time on the social media? Have you ever enabled the bad behaviors of others? What toxic relationships have you found yourself in – and how did you explain them to yourself?
