During more than a decade of online dating, I got some valuable help through regular visits with a therapist. During those visits she recommended some books to help me cope with the stresses of online dating, of which there were many! One of those books was The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. It focuses on four simple yet powerful agreements to live by.
The agreements are with yourself. These agreements helped me tremendously as I applied them to my online dating.
The First Agreement
Online dating, especially in the beginning, can leave you with a dizzying array of thoughts swirling in your head. All the choices can be confusing and exhausting. The first agreement provided me with a pathway to sorting through all those thoughts. Focusing on clear and honest communication helped me direct my energy in a useful and productive way.
The First Agreement says, “Be impeccable with your word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.”
I found this agreement helpful in both written communication and in face-to-face interactions. I was honest with others about myself, especially about some financial struggles that I was facing. The reaction I got told me a lot about the other person, whether they responded with kindness and compassion or judgment and criticism about my problems.
Also, I never bad-mouthed my ex-husband, and when I heard others speaking horribly about their exes or family members, that was my cue to say good-bye. I encountered many men whom I would call “Bitter Bob.” These were men who were generally angry about their ex and how their divorce went down. They were all too eager to criticize their ex. Bye-bye Bitter Bob!
I also met many “Mean Ones,” “Bullies,” and “Harassers” while riding the online dating rollercoaster. None of them came even close to being impeccable with their word. They were all too eager to spout hateful rhetoric. As soon as I heard their negative talk, I would say, ‘So long!’ As my mother would often say, “Good-bye to bad rubbish!”
As I stayed true to my word and to the agreement, it became easier and easier to spot the bad ones and walk away. As time went on, I became less tolerant with those who spoke negatively about others by complaining or criticizing. Of course, if I caught someone in a lie or suspected they were lying, that would also be my signal to say good-bye.
I slowly broke the habit of constantly giving people the benefit of the doubt. I’d move on quickly. I tried hard to love myself and not judge myself for my mistakes or inadequacies. I strove to find peace and happiness in my life by being honest and impeccable in my words and actions. I wanted to find another with the same mindset.
The Second Agreement
The Second Agreement says don’t take anything personally. This was so important for me to keep in mind when I’d meet the rude, lewd, and otherwise distasteful ones, such as those that ghosted me, or the haters who raged on the phone, or the various freaks and weirdos.
The Second Agreement says, “Don’t take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of endless suffering.”
In the beginning of my online dating journey, it was difficult to not take the words and actions of others personally. I was astonished how many people I encountered were unhappy or hateful, and seemed to take it out on me. Were there really that many lousy men in the online dating world? Turns out, yes, there were! So, it became important for me to protect myself from the rude, disrespectful, and abusive ones by developing a thick skin.
I refused to let anyone’s bad behavior get to me. Once I accepted that what others said and did reflected their own reality, not mine, then online dating became a whole lot easier. When someone began spewing anger my way, I’d think to myself, ‘This is their problem, not mine. How could they possibly be angry with me? They don’t know me. I just met them!’
That mindset helped me tremendously in the online dating world. I was able to avoid being baited and engaging in arguments, such as disagreements over politics. I refused to try to soothe someone spinning out of control. I admit I did get frustrated at times, such as when I would have a run of bad dating luck, but I would not let individual encounters get to me. Once I learned to not take anything personally and move on quickly, online dating became more emotionally manageable. I felt more in control and happier.
The Third Agreement
The Third Agreement advises you to not make assumptions. This agreement was so helpful to me, especially when I made my decision to start doing background checks on people.
The Third Agreement says, “Don’t make assumptions. Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.”
When I began online dating, I assumed everyone else online was looking for the same thing as I was, a meaningful relationship. I got a rude awakening early on when I realized someone was trying to scam me. As time went on, I was able to spot more scammers and imposters, but I didn’t want to be skeptical about everyone and always assuming the worst, so I took to heart a quote from Ronald Reagan when he talked about adversaries; “Trust but verify.”
If something didn’t feel right, I wouldn’t hesitate to do a Google search or background check on someone, vetting tactics that are becoming more common. While getting to know someone, I’d ask a lot of questions. That part wasn’t hard because I worked in TV news and documentary production. Interviewing people was part of my job. It also helped that I’m a naturally curious person. I tried not to pry too much, but I did ask questions.
Communicating clearly can be tricky, especially when exchanging emails and messages. That’s why I always recommend that if you’re interested in someone, speak to them as soon as possible and keep the communication flowing. While speaking to others on the phone, I would often learn that what the guy on the other end really wanted wasn’t a meaningful relationship, but instead a casual fling. No thanks!
Don’t assume to know what someone else is thinking or what their viewpoints are, nor should you assume they know what you’re thinking or what your views are. Speak up. Don’t hold back your feelings and emotions. And of course, follow up by meeting as soon as possible. Do not drag out the process!
The Fourth Agreement
The Fourth Agreement urges you to do what my mother always said to me: “Always do your best.” That’s how I was raised, to always put my best foot forward when presenting myself to anyone, and to strive to do my very best in everything I undertake.
The Fourth Agreement says, “Always do your best. Your best is going to change from moment to moment. It will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.”
In dating, doing my best meant being considerate of others, treating others with respect, having honest intentions, taking care of myself, and dressing nice. Those who showed up late, or didn’t call when they said they would, or arrived on a date looking disheveled or unkempt did not score points with me. As time went on, sometimes I would give someone a second chance to improve their behavior, but three strikes, you’re out.
By reading The Four Agreements and having regular meetings with my therapist, I gained more confidence in my ability to navigate the dating landscape. It was reassuring to learn that no, I wasn’t going crazy, and that yes, everything would be all right!
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Which one of the Four Agreements resonates the most with you and why? Have you applied the Agreements to your dating life?
