By the time you reach your 60s, you’ve probably let go of some relationships.

Whether the parting was due to divorce, family conflict that got out of hand or a friendship that turned sour, most of us have moved on from at least one relationship.

That recognition makes me think of a woman named Bonnie I worked with years ago (please note names have been changed).

Her husband of over 30 years, Brian, was my actual patient. He had come into therapy to talk about his mistakes in their marriage. He admitted shamefully that he hadn’t been thoughtful of his wife, that his career had been his primary focus. She had moved with him to several different locations, and made a beautiful home for him and their children each time.

He realized, too late, that he had taken her completely for granted. He wanted to make whatever amends he could, but she was having none of it.

She Was Done

To help him fully, I thought it would be helpful to talk with her as well, if she would come. She agreed, and met us both for one session.

She said, “Don’t think I’m here to reconcile. I hate this man, and everything he stands for. But if it will help him be a better father, then I’ll tell you my end of the story.” Anger and bitterness spewed out of her, and she took little to no responsibility for what had occurred in their marriage.

I heard about Bonnie through the years. Her bitterness had overwhelmed her. It wasn’t contained and only focused on her divorce, but had spread to the other relationships in her life. I saw her once from afar. She wasn’t smiling, but sitting off to herself.

There are many people who formerly loved one another, yet hang on to hurt or anger. It’s one thing, of course, if there was abuse or violence. Moving as far away as possible, emotionally and maybe even physically, can at times be necessary. When the kids have been manipulated or hurt, it can be very difficult to reach some kind of truce.

The Limits of Our Perceptions

I’m not being a Pollyanna over here and wanting everybody to “just get along.” Yet as we age, we hopefully understand the limits of our perceptions. We realize that our individual way of understanding something, or even remembering it, is significantly colored by our own history, our personality, our strengths and our vulnerabilities.

Recognizing those limits, realizing that our perspective is just that – perspective – we might choose to acknowledge the importance of past relationships, even though they ended, and value what they meant to us.

Bonnie was never going to want to be around Brian. But a choice not be swept up in resentment – that can only damage her and her other relationships – would have seemed a much healthier choice.

You don’t have to be friends again. You don’t have to spend time with the person whom you’ve let go.

Finding Gratitude

Yet perhaps you can find gratitude for what they offered to you in life. Some people can accomplish this if there’s trouble. For example, if an ex becomes ill. But it might be nice to consider saying, in a letter, an email or over the phone, “You were important to me,” before a crisis occurs.

They may not accept it. They may be hanging onto their own resentment. But you may likely feel more contented. Unhooking from that resentment is freeing.

I’ve found a couple of books that might be helpful reading on significant relationships ending. My Other Ex: Women’s True Stories of Losing and Leaving Friends by Jessica Smock and Stephanie Sprenger takes an in-depth look at friendships ending. There are many books on surviving divorce, but if you’re divorced after 40, click here for a book written just for you.

You can now listen to my talks about Perfectly Hidden Depression and many other topics on my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford.

What are you grateful for? Why do you think it is so hard for people to let go of resentment, even if they know that doing so will lead to greater happiness? Please join the conversation.

Stephanie Hollman’s White Asymmetrical Dress on Instagram

Real Housewives of Dallas Instagram Fashion 2020

Although times are tough in Texas right now to say the least, according to Instagram The Real Housewives of Dallas thankfully still appear to be bringing it with the fash-un next season like Stephanie Hollman who filmed with the cast over the weekend in this white asymmetrical dress (we’re assuming she brought along a face mask in that stunning blue Birkin). Which is currently on sale right now for just $184.50, so needless to say you better be bringing it home to your closet asap to wear sometime in 2033.

Fashionably,

Faryn

Click Here to Shop Her 16Arlington Dress on Sale

Click Here to Shop Her Gianvito Rossi Sandals on Sale

Hermès Birkin Bag Not Available Online

Photo: @StephHollman

Originally posted at: Stephanie Hollman’s White Asymmetrical Dress

Listen, everyone. I’m concerned about Madison Bailey’s skin care routine and I’m not the only one. The Outer Banks star shared how she gets her skin ready for bed in a video for Harper’s Bazaar. It has since racked up almost 600 comments with many of them wanting to make a few changes and wishing she would swap out a few harsh products for a few more effective ones. It’s important to note that she’s only 21 so she has completely flawless skin—not to mention, we all made some skin care mistakes at that age.

At the beginning of the video, Bailey notes that she doesn’t have sensitive skin so she can pretty much use whatever she wants to try out. It’s likely her skin will change as she gets older but for now, nothing she uses is going to completely damage her face. But it’s also good to prevent future issues and start a skin-healthy routine at any age. And I wouldn’t say her routine is especially healthy now, unfortunately. “That skin is going to deteriorate so fast,” reads one comment. “My goodness the skincare world is about to school her,” reads another. Truly, I’m not sure Bailey knows what she got herself into.

When Bailey whipped out the makeup removing wipes, fans commented that Hyram, a popular skinfluencer on TikTok, is going to have a field day with this routine because it includes pretty much everything he and other influencers beg people not to use. Makeup wipes might not damage her skin just yet and they’re fine in a pinch like after the gym or when you’re not near soap and water. But when at home, there are much more effective ways of removing all the dirt, oil, makeup and grime. Plus, they’re terrible for the environment. She could easily switch to micellar water on a reusable cotton round such as Garnier SkinActive Micellar Cleansing Water ($6.78 at Amazon). Micellar water is safer for the skin and more effective.

Next, she skips cleansing all together for some reason and goes right for a physical exfoliator packed with harsh scrubbing particles. Even if you don’t have sensitive skin, most scrubs (there are exceptions) are just too damaging to the top layer of the skin and can lead to even more fine lines, wrinkles and dryness over time. Even worse, she adds a cleansing brush, which can be harsh on its own. Instead, she should tea a chemical exfoliant that’s more gentle to the skin but will still get rid of those dead skin cells and kill acne-causing bacteria. We love The Ordinary Lactic Acid 10% + HA ($6.80 at Sephora).

Just when I thought the products were going to get a little more gentle, Bailey busts out an acne-mask when I don’t see that she has any real acne. It’s good that she spot treats, though, instead of using all over her face. It’s possible she has some dark spots from past acne so a product with niacinamide and vitamin C will be more effective at brightening those areas. We love Peace Out Microneedling Dark Spot Brightening Dots ($28 at Sephora). I told you this was stressful!

We’re almost to the last step. She says she got Truly Organic No Worries Anti-Stress Serum at Urban Outfitters, though it doesn’t look available anymore. I’m not familiar with this serum but it seems like the most gentle part of her routine and will help calm down any redness. “It makes my skin feel really, really soft when I wake up, she says.”

For a dash of “self-love,” Bailey also uses a rose quartz facial roller. Listen: if it feels good, do it. It’s a nice way to massage the muscles in your face and maybe even get some lymphatic drainage action. Put it in the fridge if you want to de-puff under your eyes. But it probably doesn’t really do anything for your skin.

The final item in her face routine is not a moisturizer. Nope, she skips moisturizer altogether. Sometimes an oil is enough as long as it’s a hydrating one. But she uses a facial spray that contains fragrance so it’s probably also not hydrating enough, either. I’d recommend a gentle moisturizer that contains ceramides to help support a healthy skin barrier, such as CeraVe Moisturizing Cream for Normal to Dry Skin ($16.99 at Target).

Finally, Bailey finishes her routine with EOS Chamomile Lip Balm ($2.96 at Amazon), definitely one of the least problematic things in her routine. (Sorry!) Again, the star’s skin is perfect and she doesn’t need much to make it glow, as evident by this routine. But there are some simple changes she can make to ensure her skin stays this gorgeous.

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Life happens. We deal with a lot of unexpected and unwanted events throughout the years. These include the end of an important relationship, death of a loved one, health or financial challenges, trouble with our family or losing our way in life.

We have all been there. One day everything in our life is fine. It is stable, predictable, and we are content. Then suddenly, we find ourselves dealing with a major upheaval or personal tragedy.

It is a threshold moment in our lives when this happens and we have a choice to make. We can choose to go on and thrive, or we could stay unhappy and upset, and give up.

The first stage always includes experiencing the emotions and the pain that come with life-changing events. We don’t choose to suffer that way; we just don’t have an alternative. We must go through this process to get to the other side of sadness.

We find ourselves trying to deal with it. We try to pick up the pieces and get our life back on track, and, more often than not, it seems unbearable.

But when we get through it and come out the other side, there can be joy in our life again with newfound meaning, a renewed sense of passion and purpose for life.

For those of us in the Sixty and Me community who are going through a personal tragedy, there is some good news: It won’t always be like this.

Dealing with Adversity: The Post Traumatic Stage

We often hear about people who have gone through a major life adversity, and their life is never the same afterward. The event has somehow diminished the quality of their life. The experience is called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Yet most people don’t get to that kind of state. Rather, the experience turns out to be a springboard to something new and meaningful.

We not only cope with the tragedy, but we relate to the world differently. Our attitudes and beliefs change. We are different, stronger and have a greater capacity for life. This is called Post Traumatic Growth.

People who experience this transformation find that they have:

A Greater Appreciation for Life

We know that life is not predictable, that it is fragile, and it is a gift. We learn to value the joy of an average day or the smile of a friend. We are grateful for the world around us.

Changed Set of Priorities

Not everything in life is important. We all know that, but often we spend so much time worrying and coping with things that have no value to our lives.

After a setback, we are better in touch with those things that are meaningful and fulfilling to us. We learn to say “no” to things that are no longer good for us. We get rid of our “shoulds” as well as the toxic relationships.

Warmer and More Intimate Relationships

We let go of anger, unrealistic expectations and the need to control others. We forgive others and ourselves. We enjoy our friendships and family on a much deeper level.

Also, we cherish the ordinary times doing ordinary things. We come to accept people for who they are and truly appreciate their uniqueness. We have a need to connect on a different level by just being together.

Greater Sense of Personal Strength

Overcoming a traumatic season helps us realize how strong we really are; that we can endure and accomplish great things. We learn self-reliance, we trust ourselves more, feel our power and the significance of our place in the world.

Recognition of New Possibilities when Dealing with Adversity

We live in the world of new possibilities, which makes us optimistic about our future. We learn to create new things in our lives, to reach out in a way we hadn’t done before.

There are limitless options before us, including becoming very involved in our communities, starting a new hobby, starting a new business or meeting new friends.

What do you try to do when life gets rough? What thoughts or actions give you the strength you need to go forward? What would you recommend to a friend who is dealing with adversity? Please leave a comment below.

Are you still cooking meals at home? How many meals do you think you have made in your life? I have easily made more than 12,000 meals for my family, friends, guests, and to take to potluck suppers.

That’s a lot of cooking, and it only includes evening meals. Many times, I make breakfast, lunch, and supper. I enjoy cooking (and eating), so I don’t mind making a meal, especially if someone will be joining me to eat the food.

I must admit that if I’m eating alone, I prepare a simpler meal than if I’m making food for others. One reason for this choice is, it’s harder to make an interesting meal with only one serving than it is to cook a larger quantity for a family.

Of course, you could always go with a grilled pork chop, baked potato, and steamed vegetable, but that meal gets old, doesn’t it?

Do you often think, “Why don’t I just order take-out food when I’m eating alone?” Or do you, like I sometimes do, simply eat oatmeal or a fried egg?

There are many reasons that I choose to cook at home, rather than eating at a restaurant or calling in a take-out order. One reason is that I like to cook, but that’s not the only reason.

I am a recipe blogger at Recipe Idea Shop, where I focus on tasty family recipes with a healthy twist. Each recipe includes a nutrition label and simple instructions. However, most recipes serve four or more.

A few people have asked me to add a special focus on cooking for one or two, and I have done that.

Here are seven reasons I choose to make daily meals at home.

A Friendly Budget

Making meals at home is less expensive than eating in most restaurants. Nutritious, home-cooked meals can cost as little as a dollar. For instance, in season, you can purchase a green pepper, onion, tomato and a small spaghetti squash for around $4.

Combining these ingredients with spices you have on hand will make a delicious, healthful meal. Moreover, you will have enough leftovers for at least three more meals, which can be frozen in one-serving size containers for future lunches or suppers.

A bag of lentils, a small onion, and a can of diced tomatoes along with a few spices makes a wonderful lentil soup. Add a diced apple to the soup and you have an entirely different flavor. Lentil soup costs less than a dollar a serving and freezes well.

Watching the Waist

When you eat at a restaurant, it’s hard to know how many calories, how much fat and how much sugar, etc., you are eating. Typical U.S. restaurants use plenty of oil, thickeners such as flour, and high-fat, high-salt, high-sugar foods in their menu items.

There are seldom nutrition labels available, and the typical serving size is at least double what one individual should eat. Recently, I asked for a nutrition chart for a smoothie I was considering and found that the one that interested me contained over 600 calories!

Better Quality Food

When you cook at home, you can control the quality of the ingredients and the amount of salt, sugar and fat you include in a recipe. I choose to cook with the best fresh, whole ingredients I can afford.

I also try to avoid fruits and vegetables treated with pesticides and animal products filled with antibiotics. Also, when you start fresh and organic, you avoid all those food additives with names you can’t pronounce.

Improved Nutrition

Many restaurants, especially the ones that offer low-cost meals, use a lot of processed foods, salt, sugar and fat to make their recipes taste good. I have found that the more processed foods and sugar I eat, the more I crave them. Do you find you crave foods that are bad for you, too?

Better Health

Eating high-fat, high-salt, high-sugar meals can spike your blood sugar, increase your blood pressure and negatively affect your health.

My health dramatically improved when I started reading nutrition labels, avoiding processed foods and concentrating on whole foods. I was surprised to find that I no longer crave snacks and sweets, and that I feel more satisfied after I eat.

Taps Creativity

One of the things I like about making meals at home is trying new recipes and making them look pretty. I love to eat a variety of colors, textures and flavors in my meals. Trying new combinations of spices is delightful and makes me feel creative.

One of my favorite new recipes is Watermelon Olive Mint Salad. I think the addition of Kalamata olives to a Middle Eastern Watermelon Mint Salad with Feta is inspiring.

Social Interaction

Eating is a social activity to me. I love to make food, eat food, share food and talk about food. If no one is available to eat with me, I read cookbooks or research new recipes on the Internet. I savor the meals I eat, whether I am the cook or someone else. What do you do when you eat alone?

Do you enjoy cooking at home? Do you have a favorite recipe that is a standby for you? Please share your inspiring recipes!