I don’t know about you, but I didn’t really get the concept of acceptance until I hit 59. At that point, I could finally see that my senior years were inevitable. I wasn’t thrilled, but I was willing to put up with them. Mainly because I had no choice.

What I hadn’t counted on were the remarkable benefits.

As I age, a new patina has settled over my life – a comforting smudge of acceptance on all my old anxieties. It occurred to me that this is actually the gift of our senior years.

We can develop new, helpful mindsets that can help us tackle any crisis and surmount any hurdle. I say we are far better positioned to do this than our younger cohorts. For one thing, we can accept hard things in life with greater ease.

I know this because in 2012, my 22-year-old daughter Teal dropped dead from a medically unexplainable cardiac arrest.

That single event knocked me from being driven, type A workaholic with a relentless drive to succeed to… well… an inert blob, for several years. I spent those years writing, examining, and learning as I went.

When I emerged from my grief, I found I was wiser and far better off because of the experience of real, enduring loss. Turns out that somewhere in all that acceptance, I’d found my wisdom.

Here are the takeaway mindsets that have helped me navigate my 60s with a new, unexpected joy. Hopefully, you’ll find them useful as well.

It’s All Good

I’ve always hated the pat little phrase, “It’s all good” – but it turns out there is some truth to it. There really is some kind of humbling, or empowering, or love-provoking, reason for pretty much everything that happens to us. If you look hard enough, you can usually find it.

An unexpected benefit of my daughter’s death was that it helped me strip away the masks of illusion I’d lived with for so long. Finally, I had to let go of that old, overworking false persona – and with it, all my prickly defensive behaviors.

I was left a vulnerable pussy cat who didn’t work nearly so hard – and enjoyed life more. That’s when, quite unexpectedly, I met the love of my life. We are now quite happily married.

We Are Not Alone

After Teal died, I was more alone than I’d ever been in my life. My 25-year marriage had ended, and I was still relatively new to San Francisco. The one family member who lived near me was now dead, and I had few friends.

I dreaded that first miserable Thanksgiving because I had no place to go. Yet that weekend I found my way to a church where a hilarious, highly-organized group of drag queens were serving Thanksgiving dinner to hundreds of homeless people.

I joined in the fun, and that afternoon made my first real friends in California.

Willing and friendly people are out there – and you may have to go looking for them.

It’s Fine to Ask for and Get Help

I’m thinking of how I learned to ask for help after Teal’s death. I’d always been the stoic lone wolf – the powerful one-woman show who needed no one’s support.

The minute I let go of that narrative, in came remarkable resources. Free grief support groups, caring friends and family, and even a pair of pals who advised me wisely on my finances, all showed up. This support emerged naturally and easily, simply because I asked for help.

There are no two ways about it. As we age, we need more support. The opportunity is to surrender, ask for it, and enjoy what comes.

We’ve Become Street Smart

You know all those little tricks you’ve figured out along the way? From opening jars to learning how to console a distraught friend, we’ve learned a lot in our decades on this planet. This is not wisdom you can read in a book or learn from a teacher (though that can help.)

Mostly, we’ve learned these things by doing. For instance, when my spouse is in pain, I’ve found I can provide the same loving comfort I did when I was a mom, anxiously leaning over my feverish toddler.

I’ve learned how to move towards what works, and drift away from what doesn’t. And since my daughter’s death, I’ve learned how to tune into my own needs and meet them.

The lessons life gives us every day really are our greatest teachers. The longer we live, the more of them we’ve learned.

We Know We Deserve Good Care

Do you remember when we were younger, how hard it could be to get ourselves to exercise – or diet? To ask for help when we need it? Perhaps we were too busy then, working, and possibly even raising children. Now, however, we have time on our hands. We can finally become our highest priority.

That’s true even – or perhaps especially – if we are also caregivers to an ailing spouse. For without adequate self-care, we simply can’t get the job done.

Not only do we realize we need to take excellent care of ourselves – we know we deserve it. We finally know how to “put on the oxygen mask first,” as flight attendants always advise us. Because now we get it.

We deserve the best possible health, comfort, and ease we can give ourselves. No matter what our circumstances.

The gift of hard things – and aging – is this basic return to our own intrinsic power. It’s a power based on great love and self-compassion, and it can make the last quarter of your life sing instead of moan.

What techniques have you been able to use to turn life’s hard lessons into gold of your own? Can you give us examples of what worked for you and why? Please share in the comments below.

I started working out at age 21, otherwise known as the Dawn of Time. I was present for the birth of aerobics classes and the cult-like following of Atkins.

I survived Flashdance fashion and Jane Fonda high-rise leotards, and endured a stress fracture from many months of high-impact cardio on unforgiving, cement gym floors.

In short, I’ve been an eyewitness to trends, cults, and rises and falls of everything fitness.

Through it all, I always belonged to – and later worked at – one gym or another – private gyms, large chain gyms and a few one-on-one boutique type facilities.

It wasn’t long before I noticed a few patterns, regardless of the type of gym, class or clientele.

Can you guess which one?

• Every gym has at least one creepy guy who wears too much cologne, not enough clothes, and spends 90% of his time admiring himself in the mirror.
• There’s the person who treats the stationary bike like his or her barcalounger: a Starbucks latte occupies the cup holder, a newspaper (remember those?) draped across the monitor and a pedal push once every five or so minutes… never enough to break a sweat.
• Someone who does hours of cardio yet doesn’t seem to lose weight.

Time’s up!

If you guessed all three you’d be right.

But for the sake of today’s post, let’s focus on #3, since I can’t do much about the other two aside from suggesting you carry a can of mace.

In addition, you may be person #3. How do you know? If you’ve ever uttered the words, “I’m doing everything and I’m still not losing weight/getting in shape!” you’re that person.

If you’re a healthy person – e.g., free of thyroid issues and any other medical condition that may affect your weight – here are the most likely reasons you’re in suspended animation.

You’re Already Fit

The closer you are to your goals, the harder it is to continue making progress. For example, an overweight sedentary person with 50 lbs. to lose, who cuts calories and starts walking, will quickly see results.

An athletic person who’s within a normal weight range but wants to shave off five pounds will take much longer.

You’re Afraid of Weight Training

I’m amazed at how often women will ask me if they’ll get “bulky” from resistance training. Not only is this P.P. (Pure Poppycock), but weight training could be the key to unlocking A. weight loss and B. muscle tone.

If you’re not lifting weights you won’t see muscle tone. Period. A total body workout twice to three times a week is all you need.

You Eat Too Much

You can’t outrun your fork, as the corny saying goes. But it’s true. Regardless of how much exercise you do – running included – if you’re taking in more calories than you need you won’t see changes. You must cut calories and eat clean, mostly fresh, unprocessed food to lose weight.

You Love Your Comfort Zone

If you’re unwilling to be a little uncomfortable you won’t see changes. If you enjoy a couple glasses of wine a night or dessert after every dinner and know you need to cut it out but won’t, that’s your choice.

However, you can’t expect to see the results you want if you’re unwilling to give up something. Instead, look at the things you gain: a healthier body overall, more energy or whatever else motivates you.

Keep in mind, too, that the initial feelings of deprivation go away with time. Once you establish a pattern it becomes a habit you no longer need to think about. Promise.

Your Workout When You’re “In The Mood”

It comes to that word again: consistency. It’s key to everything – the answer to nearly every question I get about results. If only we could exercise once and be done with it. Alas, it’s simply not the case.

It’s like taking prescription medication. If you have high blood pressure like me, skipping a few days is not an option. That is, unless I want to see sky-high numbers and risk getting into stroke territory.

Look at activity – whether structured (a specific workout plan) or unstructured (shopping at the mall, gardening, running after your grandkids, etc.) – as medicine to keep you sane, fit and help you manage your weight.

Your Workout is on Autopilot

It’s easy to get comfortable and simply repeat the same workout day in and day out, for days, weeks, months and even years on end. Besides the risk of dying from boredom, your body adapts. It gets easier because your muscles become more efficient.

That’s both good and bad news. Good news: It feels easier. Bad news: Your results come to a screeching halt. Add something new, increase the intensity in some way or otherwise change your approach every six to eight weeks to keep those results happening.

You Give Up Too Easily

Sometimes you do get out of your comfort zone. At first, it goes well. But you last for a couple of weeks and then decide it’s not working – just when you’re about to see some results.

Whew! Dodged that bullet. Time to get back to your old habits.

But therein lies the problem: Any changes you make must be ones you do for life if you want to keep those results for life.

This does not mean you can’t ever treat yourself, have a glass or two of wine here and there or enjoy dessert. It just can’t be every day. Temporary changes result in temporary results.

Why do you think you don’t see results from your workouts? What steps will you take to get yourself off your plateau? Let’s chat and figure out the best ways to get you on some healthy exercise habits.

Teddi Mellencamp’s Metallic Wrap Maxi Dress

Season 10 Episode 3 Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Fashion

On tonight’s episode of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Sutton Stracke says that at first she thought Teddi Mellencamp was going to be a little boring. That being said, she must not have seen her in this metallic wrap maxi dress! There’s nothing boring about it.

Whether it’s just a ‘black romper’ or a metallic maxi dress I have always love Teddi’s style and I think she always delivers in a more relatable way than some of the women. Even when things are heating up she still manages to look cool to me. Well at least until they really really get hot like at a RHOBH dinner party where I’m pretty sure I’d run out crying too, until my fear of wasting a great outfit totally stopped me in my tracks.

Sincerely Stylish,

Jess

Click Here To Shop Her ba&sh Metallic Santana Dress

Click Here To Shop Her ba&sh Dress in a Shorter Version

Photo & ID Credit: @styled.by.celeste

Originally posted at: Teddi Mellencamp’s Metallic Wrap Maxi Dress

We’re not exactly first-timers when it comes to coloring our hair. For years, we’ve put our locks through bleaching, dyeing, highlighting, chalking, and just about everything else under the sun. What we’re still curious about, however, is henna hair dye. Natural and a safe alternative for ladies who want to color their hair without damage or chemicals, henna is an excellent option.

To get the whole story on henna, we turned to, Leigh Casbourne, LUSH brand and product trainer, who explained every single thing we need to know.

Who should be using henna hair dye?

Henna covers the cuticle of the hair, varnishing it with rich color, all while maintaining the natural structure of the hair shaft. Unlike chemical hair dye, henna hair dyes do not penetrate the inner layer of the hair (called the cortex), which means that the hair retains its moisture and flexibility. Henna is not one-size-fits-all color; the result depends entirely on the original color of the hair before application.

LUSH’s henna hair dyes are perfect for anyone wanting to boost their hair’s natural shine or add a gloss of color with subtle shades of red, brown and black. Henna can be used on all types and textures of hair.

Lush.

What are your tips for mess-free application?

The preparation is very similar to all other hair coloring experiences. Prepare your workspace, like your sink and bathroom floor, by laying down newspaper to ensure that the henna doesn’t end up where you don’t want it to. As henna has been used for centuries as a body art medium, it will naturally stain and adhere to the skin. You can protect the hairline, around the ears and the back of your neck with Ultrabland or a salve to prevent henna from dyeing the skin around the hair.

Ora’s Amazing Herbal

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Wear an old T-shirt or something over your clothes to protect them from staining. Gloves are a must, to protect hands and nails from staining (we like reusable rubber gloves you can use over and over again for this purpose, so less plastic ends up in the landfill!).

LANON.

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Make sure to section your hair into manageable bunches, working from the back of your head to the front. This will ensure even coverage. When in doubt, phone some friends and make a night of it! Many hands make for easy application (and traditional henna application is still done among groups of women in the Middle East, Egypt and all around the Mediterranean).

What are the ingredients in henna hair dye?

LUSH’s henna hair dyes are four unique blends of henna (lawsonia inermis), indigo (indigofera tinctoria), cocoa butter, raw materials, like coffee and irish moss, and essential oils. The henna and indigo work to dye the hair, the cocoa butter acts as a deep moisturizer for the hair, and the raw materials and essential oils promote scalp health and boost the natural coloring properties.

LUSH’s henna hair dyes are the product of Mark Constantine’s (LUSH co-founder) experience with herbal hair dye throughout his long trichology career and are his favored recipes.

Is henna hair dye suitable for blonde hair?

Henna is perfect if you are trying to achieve a shade of red, brown or black; it will not lighten the hair. Henna is tone-on-tone hair color, and it will stain the original color of the hair. In this sense, each application of henna is different and unique to the head of hair!

Our hair is composed of four colors: yellow, red, black and brown. Light hair will show very vibrant results with henna. Some color theory applies: Light hair is “yellow,” and adding the reddish dye of henna to it will result in an orange tone. Yellow combined with the blue dye of indigo may result in a greenish tone. If blondes are looking to go darker with henna, “filling” the hair first with an application of Caca Rouge is a good idea, and then proceeding with whatever darker color they might like.

Lush.

Lush Marilyn Hair Treatment $24.95

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We always recommend a strand test, in every scenario, and especially when trying to achieve a much darker color than one’s original hair. If blondes want to stay blonde, however, LUSH makes some excellent products just for them, like Marilyn hair treatment.

Does henna hair dye have any potentially damaging side effects?

Henna hair dyes coat the cuticle, or outer part of the hair shaft, and do not penetrate the cortex of the hair, where the hair’s proteins and moisture are housed. This means that henna provides shine and conditioning to the hair, and the cocoa butter is deeply hydrating. Henna hair dyes are a great alternative to synthetic hair dyes because they do not alter the structure or texture of the hair, and have added benefits to the scalp as well.

Should we avoid applying permanent hair dye on top of henna hair dye?

Synthetic color, as well as perms and relaxers, lift the color to bleach, color or reshape the cortex inside. Henna coats the hair on the outside only, glossing over the cuticles. So, if you process synthetically, then henna over it, you will get a reasonably predictable outcome. The henna will varnish the hair tone-on-tone, meaning that if you have highlighted it, the highlights will still show up under the henna.

However, if you henna first, you now have this varnish on the cuticles. When you synthetically process the hair, it lifts those cuticles, pushing the henna inside and chemically changing it, which can make for a very unpredictable and possibly unwanted outcome. If you must do both, do any synthetic process first, and henna after.

Who should stay away from henna hair dye?

Those who foresee lots of chemical processing in their near future might want to hold off on henna, as we’ve discussed above.

How long does it last?

Henna stays rich and vibrant for 4-6 weeks, and you can layer the color as much as you want. The color will build after every application, making for dense, multi-dimensional color.

Why should someone opt for henna hair dye instead of chemical dye?

LUSH’s henna hair dyes are 100 percent natural, vegan and preservative- and synthetic-free—and are a great alternative for those looking to color the hair without altering its natural structure and condition. Pregnant women who have been cautioned against synthetic dye may find their ideal hair color in henna. If you are feeling adventurous, want to enhance your natural hue or just want to interact with an age-old beauty ritual from times past, henna is for you.

Ahead, more henna hair dye options for your giving yourself an at-home makeover.

Reshma Beauty.

Reshma Beauty 30-Minute Henna

Buy: Reshma Beauty 30 Minute Henna $7.84

Surya Brasil.

Surya Brasil Henna Cream

Buy: Surya Brasil Henna Cream $16.25

The Henna Guys.

The Henna Guys 100% Pure & Natural Henna Powder

Buy: The Henna Guys 100% Pure & Natural Henna Powder $13.97

Vatika.

Vatika Henna Hair Colour

Buy: Vatika Henna Hair Colour $8.99

A version of this article was originally published in May 2015.

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