The Tree’s Guide to Friendship
The next time you see a tree, let it remind you of the value of friendship and community.
When I turned 70, I found myself stunned and lost, wondering “Where did everyone go?” I had recently left full-time work, and around the same time, my grandson, whom I’d raised, launched into young adulthood. Life felt like a vacuum, and I did not know which way to turn.
I spent a lot of time walking in the forest. It turns out the trees had something to teach me. By understanding them, I realized I needed to tend my own forest of friendships more intentionally.
Scientists have discovered that trees communicate through underground networks, sharing nutrients with struggling neighbors and even recognizing their own offspring. A tree standing alone topples in the first serious storm. Trees standing together are more likely to stay strong through the storm.
At my wedding, I told our gathered family and friends that they were “our trees” that would help us stand strong through whatever came.
Here’s what the forest taught me about building and maintaining the connections that research tells us add not just years to our lives, but happiness during those years.
Spring: Planting Yourself in New Soil
When young trees need to establish themselves, they don’t wait for perfect conditions. They send roots down into whatever soil is available, testing, exploring, reaching out. We need to do the same.
I had never before thought about having to create connections and community. It had always just “happened.” I had friends through work, through raising children, and through the natural rhythms of a busy life. But those rhythms had changed, and I had to change with them. I had to start with where I was in life and grow from there.
The gift we have that trees don’t is agency. We can be rooted in more than one orchard. We can leave an orchard if it doesn’t serve us. We can join an orchard if it suits us. We can find the best context for us to be planted.
I used Meetup to find my Dragon Boat sisters; we paddle those long 20-person boats with dragon heads and drummers in competitions. I joined a hiking group. I looked at my acquaintances and asked myself honestly: Who do I truly enjoy? And then I nurtured those relationships intentionally.
This is your spring work: Ask yourself where you want to put down roots. Book clubs? Meditation circles? Volunteer organizations? Religious communities? The options are there if you look for them. Who else is active in areas that interest you? How can you connect with them?
Plant yourself somewhere new this season. Send down a root. See what grows.
Summer: Growing Deep Roots
Summer is when real growth happens. Roots push deeper, the canopy fills out, the tree becomes more substantial. This is the season of intimacy.
Sharing interests offers community, but not always the closeness of real intimacy. Both have value, but we all need one or more truly intimate relationships. This is where the tree metaphor becomes particularly instructive.
Trees share resources with their neighbors including nutrients, water, and warnings about threats. How do you share resources with friends? To me, this means being open to share what’s called to be shared at any point in time. We share information about good restaurants, hiking trails, and recipes. But at a deeper level, we share experiences, stories and perspectives that provide support and build connection.
My best friends and I listen to each other and we believe in each other. I pay attention to moments when I can amplify them and reinforce their gifts. One friend talked about feeling powerless given world conditions. I suggested that when she helps others meditate, that is a form of power. She nearly cried.
Trees also provide safety. Their interconnected root systems help each other stand through storms. I have friends I would not hesitate a moment to help if they called with a significant health, emotional, or safety challenge. If something happened to my health, home, or husband, I have friends who will be there for me. That is safety.
This summer work requires asking: What is the nature of your intimate relationships? How can you be more proactive in nurturing real intimacy, beyond just pleasant familiarity?
Deep roots take time, but summer is long.
Fall: Shedding What No Longer Serves
Fall is the season of letting go. Trees drop their leaves not as an act of loss, but as their cycle of life. They know what they can’t sustain through winter.
We need this wisdom too. Not every orchard serves us forever. Not every connection deserves the same energy. As we age, our time and energy become more precious. There is great value in focusing on the relationships that enliven you, and less so with others.
This doesn’t mean suddenly cutting people out of your life. It means recognizing when certain relationships have run their natural course, when groups no longer align with who you’re becoming, or when an orchard has become toxic rather than nourishing.
Trees send their resources to where they’re needed most. We can do the same. We can let some connections fade gracefully while we invest more deeply in others. We can leave communities that drain us and seek ones that energize us.
Ask yourself: Are there relationships or communities that feel obligatory rather than life-giving? What would happen if you released them? What energy would that free up for connections that truly matter?
Winter: Providing Shelter and Staying Rooted
Winter is when trees prove their worth. When storms come, snow weighs down branches, and everything seems dormant is when the strength of the root system matters most.
This is the season of showing up. Of being the tree that doesn’t topple, so others can lean against you. And others are there for you, should you need them. When my neighbor was diagnosed with lymphoma, I reached out to see how I could help with meals and family. I wore my “red socks” on the day of her biopsy to stand with her in spirit. We are closer now and that feels good.
In winter, trees stand together. Their underground network doesn’t stop working just because the surface looks dead. In fact, that’s when the sharing of resources matters most.
I often discover that I’m not alone in my experiences where I feel challenged, and that gives me peace. We all need to know we’re not the only tree experiencing winter. We all need the reminder that spring will come again.
Winter is also the season for reflection. What do you give and receive from your friendships? Do you have people in your life that you can lean on and they on you? Is it time to prepare for a new spring planting?
The Cycle Continues
The wonderful thing about seasons is that they repeat. You’ll have multiple springs, summers, falls, and winters in your friendship forest.
The research is clear and consistent that feeling connected and enjoying good relationships adds wellness, happiness, and years to life. Robert Waldinger’s work in “The Good Life” is just one example among many studies that support this finding.
Unlike trees, we have choice. We can tend our forests intentionally with awareness and purpose.
Let’s Reflect Together:
What season are you in right now with your connections? If you’re feeling lonely, what’s one first step you might take? With whom? Then, do it now. Don’t wait for perfect spring weather. Plant a seed today. Your forest is waiting for you. Like trees, we need each other.
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What kind of emotional connection do you want?
