Author: Admin01

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Susan called my office in tears. She was overwhelmed because her friend, Mary, named her as her Power of Attorney and needed her to step into this role right away. Although Mary had a brother, he lived half way across the country and had his own health problems. He could not get involved.

Susan had no idea she was even named as Mary’s Power of Attorney. Mary never checked with her or asked her if she would be willing to do this. They had met many years earlier when they worked together, but they weren’t that close.

It was a terrible time for Susan to help Mary. Susan’s husband was very sick, and she had too much on her plate already. Susan was torn, as she knew Mary needed help, but felt burdened and overwhelmed at the thought of taking on this huge job.

Mary couldn’t go home and her house, which was over-run with mice, needed attention, maintenance, snow shoveling and someone checking on it. The bills were piling up. And the financial institutions? They wouldn’t even speak with Mary until she provided all the right documentation, navigated their internal protocols, and filled out more paperwork than she expected.

Susan asked me, “How am I supposed to take care of all this, someone else’s house, someone else’s finances, while still juggling my own life and caring for my sick husband?”

Since I am an Elder Law Attorney, she asked if I could take over for her. Unfortunately, this wasn’t possible because the document did not give Susan the authority to choose someone else if she could not act. The only option was to go to court to ask that a Conservator be appointed for Mary.

Being appointed as Power of Attorney can feel like a burden. Acting as Power of Attorney is a significant responsibility and can be a part-time job. Well-meaning friends may think they can handle it, but in reality, it is a legal and financial role that can last months or even years. It is not always appropriate to expect a friend to take on this job.

The Hard Questions (That Most People Avoid Asking)

If you are a solo senior, it may be difficult to identify someone who could step in to help if you become ill or incapacitated. Without a spouse or adult child, many people look to close friends.

But before naming someone as your Power of Attorney, ask:

• Is this something they’re truly willing and able to do?
• Do they understand what it means to manage someone else’s finances, possibly for a long time?
• Would you want to take on this role for a friend?

It is not about whether they care. It is more about whether they are really the right person for the job and able to handle it, given their own life circumstances and schedules. Acting as someone’s Power of Attorney isn’t just signing a form, it involves:

• Setting up access with banks and investment firms (which can take weeks).
• Paying bills, filing taxes, managing property.
• Acting in your best interest and possibly defending your wishes to others.

Also read, What Now? When You Never Expected to Be Living Alone.

The Power of Substitution (And Giving Your Friend an Out)

If you still want to name a friend, and many people do, consider giving them a lifeline.

One option is to include a Power of Substitution in your document. This allows your friend, if they’re unable or unwilling to serve, to appoint a qualified professional to act on your behalf.

That way, they’re not stuck in a role they can’t handle, and you still have someone in place to help you.

Just as important: ask them first. Don’t assume. Give them time to consider, and if they agree, set them up for success:

• Keep a clearly labeled file with your legal and financial information.
• Give them copies of your documents.
• Keep your accounts and assets organized.

You can download free checklists and planning worksheets at Solo Allies to help.

Need More Help Navigating This?

I wrote The Solo Senior’s Guide to Thrive for people who want to plan and make sure they are prepared, by making good choices now so others don’t have to pick up the pieces later. The book includes a companion workbook to walk you through decisions like this, from choosing fiduciaries to organizing your documents and protecting your future.

You don’t have to do this alone, and you shouldn’t leave your friends to figure it out alone either.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Who have you appointed as your Power of Attorney? Did you ask them first? Did you give them a way out if they are unable to take on this role? Are you the Power of Attorney to somebody else?

A lot of people ask, “What does it mean to get in your own way?”

I glare at them like they’re from another planet.

How can you not know? It’s like slamming a door and then trying to walk through it.

As I’ve gotten older, I know better. I’ve learned not to act impulsively. I “play it through to the credits.” I’ve got experience, wisdom, the receipts – and a long memory.

And most days? I do better.

Then Came the 40-Pound Bag of Dog Food

Let me break this down: a 40-pound bag of kibble equals about 160 cups. That’s 4 cups per pound. Each cup? Roughly 208 pieces of kibble. I Googled the first part. The 208? I used AI – Audacious Ilene – to count them one by one.

That’s 33,280 pieces of kibble.

How did this become how I spent my leisurely morning?

It started, of course, with avoiding the things I didn’t want to do – taxes, phone calls, real responsibilities. And that giant bag of dog food had been sitting by the door for a week, waiting to be carried to the basement.

I decided to play “airport.” You know, like a baggage handler. I clipped the top shut with a giant binder clip, angled the bag down the stairs, gave it a push… and watched it fly.

Almost Made It. Almost.

Four steps from the bottom, the bag snagged. In slow motion, the clip popped off. A kibble waterfall began.

Down the steps.

Through the gaps.

Into the pile of luggage, CDs, canvas bags, and boxes under the stairs I haven’t unpacked in eight years.

First, I was frozen, just watching the kibble drip, drip, drip. Then I sprang into action – a generous description, as I couldn’t move faster than quarter-speed. I descended, trying to lift the bag and stop the downpour like I was catching a boiling pot with bare hands.

The damage? Half the bag.

That’s 16,640 pieces of kibble.

Yes, I did the math. Then, I considered whether the dog could eat it off the floor. (He drinks mud and eats leaves, after all.) And yes, I decided it was fine.

Still, there I was – two hours later, still cleaning up and muttering: “Why did I do that?”

Being in My Own Way

That question is a constant refrain of mine. I want to leave it behind. I do. But it seems wired into my DNA. It’s not just a quirk. It’s a pattern.

Tiny ways I say no to myself when I mean yes. That’s what getting in your own way really looks like. It’s not sabotage with fireworks. It’s a slow, rolling kibble spill under the stairs.

So, I started thinking: What would it take to rewire myself? How do I stop setting traps for “Future Me” to deal with? Because it’s always me doing the trapping to me.

Here’s a list of the traps I fall into again and again:

1. Over-Shopping Produce

I always buy too many fruits and vegetables. Always.

It starts with good intentions: I’m going to juice. I need cucumbers, apples, celery. I see string beans and think, I’ll roast those with garlic and lemon! I grab bananas and two pints of strawberries because this week – this week – I’ll make smoothies. And those tiny bags of avocadoes, they are so cute, I cannot resist.

Fast-forward five days:

• The bananas are mushy and brown.
• The apples are bruised and wrinkled.
• The green beans are dissolving and getting moldy.
• The avocadoes are dimpling.

I never resist the fantasy that I’m the kind of person who juliennes carrots and keeps cilantro alive. Spoiler: I’m not.

I’ve gotten better. I toss what’s rotten (without crying), gift cute mini avocados to my neighbor, and when I’m really on top of it, I cook and freeze. Still, a work in progress.

2. Avoiding Exercise

Every Sunday, I make a reasonable plan.

Monday: Dog Walk.

Tuesday: Cardio.

Wednesday: …bargaining begins. By then, I’m telling myself, I already did Monday and Tuesday. Maybe today I’ll just stretch while watching TV? Which becomes me lying on the floor, scrolling my phone, with a resistance band around one ankle like a tragic yoga hostage.

I have the sneakers. The mat. The subscription.

What I don’t have is the will to overcome inertia.

And somehow, sitting still while feeling guilty about not moving is the most exhausting workout of all.

The antidote? Get it on the outside. I’ve learned that if I don’t get in the car, go to the gym, or do Zumba with a friend, it won’t happen. Once I get there, I’m always glad I showed up.

(Especially for post-class coffee.)

3. Procrastinating Difficult Calls

There’s a voicemail that’s been mocking me for 11 days.

I know exactly what it’s about.

But instead of returning the call, I’ve deep-cleaned the junk drawer, reorganized the bookshelf, and deep-conditioned my hair. Twice.

I keep thinking, I’ll be in the mood to deal with that tomorrow.

But tomorrow turns into next week. And suddenly, I’m dodging someone who wasn’t mad until I started avoiding them. Then I call and say, “Just saw your message!” and pray they don’t hear the panic in my voice.

I’m learning to triage:

Am I avoiding this because I feel guilty? Ashamed?

Is it fear or just discomfort?

Awareness helps.

Not always. But it helps.

4. Defrosting Meat I’ll Never Cook

This one’s personal.

I start with a vision: Tonight, I’ll cook something real.

I pull out a beautiful cut of meat. Picture the sides, the candles, the mood.

Then life happens. I work late. I get tired. I eat cereal.

Meanwhile, the meat – now fully thawed and judging me from the fridge – edges from “meal prep” into “biohazard.”

I shove it to the back. I pretend I’ll cook it tomorrow.

Three days later: shame toss into the trash.

The cycle repeats.

Because the vision of what could be always beats the reality of what actually is.

What’s Next?

The goal isn’t to be perfect. The goal is to catch myself before I pull the same old stunt. Because there’s a difference between learning and rewiring.

I know better. I’m just trying to do better.

One kibble at a time.

Also read, Do You Get in Your Own Way? I Sure Do!

Let’s Have a Conversation:

What is one thing you catch yourself doing over and over, even though you know it’s not good for you?

It’s perfect for solo and partnered play 😉

A caregiver’s sacrifice often goes unappreciated. Feeling unappreciated when you do so much to care for your older adult is a common issue in caregiving. Not feeling valued increases resentment and stress, eventually leading to burnout.

These feelings are a natural part of caregiving and won’t go away. What’s important is to learn to manage the negative feelings to keep yourself as healthy as possible.

We’ve got 11 effective ways to help you cope with feeling unappreciated while caring for your older adult.

Stopping to think about why your older adult doesn’t show appreciation gives perspective on the situation and makes it easier to cope.

For example, seniors who are living with serious chronic illness or pain and declining physical or cognitive abilities might be focused on their own suffering. They’re less likely to be aware of your feelings and needs.

Older adults with dementia are often struggling to get through the day. They may not be able to think about more than the basic tasks of living. Or, they could feel appreciation, but not be able to express it properly. If they’re in a more advanced stage, they might not be able to process complex concepts like appreciation.

In other cases, your older adult might have gotten used to the daily routine and no longer realizes how much you’re actually doing and how much time and energy it takes.

It’s also possible that your older adult resents needing help. Regardless of their true care needs, they may feel like you’re forcing unnecessary assistance on them. This makes them unlikely to feel gratitude for what you’re doing.

Choose to Do It for Yourself

It’s important to remember that you have a choice and that you’ve made the decision to be a caregiver.

It may not always feel like you’re in control of that decision, but you are. There are alternatives for your older adult if you choose not to be their caregiver. They may not be the best options, but choices do exist.

When you choose to be a caregiver, it’s important to do it for your own reasons and not for appreciation or recognition from anyone else. Remind yourself that you’ve chosen to do it even if nobody appreciates or notices your sacrifice.

Make Self-Care a Priority

When you’re exhausted and stressed, it’s easy for resentment and anger to creep in and occupy your mind. That’s why self-care is essential for caregivers. It’s not a treat.

Taking time for yourself is what keeps you mentally and physically healthy. It helps manage the stress and negative feelings so you can continue caregiving for the long haul.

Appreciate Yourself and Celebrate Accomplishments

Celebrating your caregiving accomplishments might seem like something that others do for you, but it’s essential that you also appreciate yourself. That’s because the way you feel about yourself and how you talk to yourself has a bigger impact than what anyone else says.

If family members can’t or won’t express appreciation for your hard work, you may have to accept their limitations and focus on self-appreciation instead. Think of the good reasons you’ve chosen to take on this job and how much you’ve helped someone in need.

Reward Yourself

Caregiving is by nature a thankless job. Rewarding yourself is another way to keep feeling positive about all the good you’re doing.

A reward could be anything – big or small. Maybe it’s getting your favorite Starbucks drink once a week or buying supplies for a hobby you love. Or it could be giving yourself permission to get respite care or caregiving help so you can go on a weekend getaway.

Use Lighthearted Humor to Ask for Appreciation

Sometimes you need to let people know that you’d like some recognition and thanks. One way is to take a lighthearted approach and occasionally make jokes in a positive tone of voice.

For example, if your parent praises something someone else did for them, you could say with a smile, “What am I, chopped liver?” Or, after completing a task like helping them move from the bed to the easy chair, you might tease, “No need for thanks. I’m just here for the free workouts.”

Don’t Measure Your Performance in Terms of Their Health

The reality is that aging can’t be cured. Serious chronic diseases will continue to get worse. Like the old saying goes, none of us gets out of here alive.

That’s why it’s not fair to judge yourself based on your older adult’s health or ability to recover from a health crisis. Even the most magical, fantastic, amazing caregiver wouldn’t be able to stop this decline.

Don’t wait for your older adult to show improvement before appreciating yourself for making their lives safer and more comfortable. You are making a difference.

Understand Why Others Don’t Show Appreciation

Family or friends who haven’t done any caregiving may not understand what you do or how hard it is. Some people have a hard time empathizing if they’ve never experienced something for themselves. That’s why they might not be appreciative of all that you do.

One way to cope is to share more information. For example, send family members a periodic email to update them on the many tasks you’ve been managing – like a recent medical appointment, physical therapy results, getting new medical equipment, etc.

When family members have a better understanding of everything you’ve been doing, they might be more likely to show appreciation or even offer to help.

Graciously Accept Thanks and Appreciation

When you’ve received far less appreciation than you deserve, it’s easy to snap at someone who thanks you for something. It might feel like their thanks is “too little, too late.”

But snapping at someone when they thank you discourages them from doing it again. Even if you feel like their appreciation isn’t enough, accept it graciously. That encourages them to show even more appreciation in the future.

Model the Behavior You’d Like to See

Sometimes the best way to get thanks is to give it first. If you’d like others to show appreciation toward you, start by showing them appreciation.

If your older adult does something helpful, no matter how minor, recognize it and thank them. For example, if they hang up the hand towel rather than leaving it on the counter, say thank you. You’ll be reinforcing a positive behavior and increasing the chances they’ll thank you for something in the future.

See It as a Compliment

Unfortunately, the more capable, helpful, and reliable you are, the more likely you’ll be taken for granted. After all, the person who gets everything done and knows exactly what they’re doing doesn’t stand out because they’re not causing problems.

This may be a small comfort, but it can help reframe the lack of appreciation as a compliment to your outstanding caregiving skills.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Does your hard work as your older adult’s caregiver go unappreciated? Do you feel resentful or unmotivated? What helps you manage stress and resentment so you don’t burn out? Please join the conversation so we can learn from each other.