Vulnerability Versus Resilience: How to Accept One and Step to the Other
We all have one friend like Patrice who is prone to accidents. A misstep causes a fractured hip and a torn shoulder. Weeks of pain-filled rehabilitation follow then her husband dies of sudden cardiac arrest. She discovers, through his private letters, he has carried on with another man for decades. As layers of complex feelings rise, grief plus physical pain threaten to bury her, and Patrice withdraws.
She finishes her rehab and spends hours with a therapist. One day, she dives into life again, hiking in the woods, taking an astronomy class, and dating with a smile across her face. Her friends remark, “How does she do it?” Her recovery likely depends on her ability to acknowledge her vulnerability and rebuild her resilience.
It’s Based in Neuroscience
The science behind resilience is well-studied. In short, for those who have an adaptible mind and positive attitude, resilience follows a stress response. It is a complicated process that occurs in the brain, dependent on certain structures, and involving particular chemicals, environmental experiences, and more.
For example, even if Patrice is grieving and suffering betrayal, she may find herself open to love again. And though one may not be a champion pickle-baller after breaking a shoulder, it’s possible to step into well-being with a different focus.
People who thrive after tragedies and physical injuries share commonalities which prove achievable for many. They accept vulnerability and they are resilient. The attitudes and behaviors that accompany both are valuable tools for all of us to develop, especially as we age.
Self-Reflection
In Joy Stephenson-Laws’ article on resilience, she points out that one needs to evaluate where they are in life to establish their next goals and live fully again. It takes more than a simple rebound to regain self-worth after a betrayal or build emotional security after a tragic loss. A broken body needs rebuilding. Our brains are programmed to protect but we are ultimately vulnerable.
Accidents happen, people can hurt our feelings or disappoint us, and we are not unaffected or unchanged by major disruptions in our lives. All are inevitable but we can give our brains the tools to recognize and surmount what the universe puts in front of us.
Acceptance and Evaluation
We need to understand what future stages of recovery look like by accepting what’s happened. It’s important to forgive ourselves for tripping over a crack in the sidewalk or avoid carrying blame or guilt for someone else’s actions. Acknowledging grief, despite the pain it imparts, is a major step. Take time to let sadness in because sorrow takes a toll even when ignored.
Mark life’s changes, major or minor. Recognize that as human beings, we are vulnerable to both physical and emotional harm. The stages of grief are complicated. As Terry Edmund writes, “Change is hardest when it isn’t chosen.” A sudden death or difficult disease will challenge us. Physical injuries create emotional responses and lessen independence. When we ignore or power through our body’s damage, recovery may be elusive or take longer as more harm occurs.
I’m having a reverse shoulder replacement soon, and my physical therapy orders are clear. For six weeks, I am to wear a sling, not extend the arm, or lift any object. The joint needs to heal before I test it out, thus the sling will keep it stabilized. I am vulnerable to injury again and am determined to follow each letter of instruction so I can rebuild my shoulder and my resilience.
No One Is Suggesting It’s Easy
It is work to rehabilitate your dominant arm, for example, or move past a loved one’s death or an unwanted divorce, and there is no-one-size-fits-all for solution. Chronic illness sufferers understand that their plans may vary from week to week, as energy stores dwindle. Flexibility is key.
To start, establish goals and determine how to meet them. Those among us who persevere are not blessed with some magical power. What resilient people share, however, is the willingness to engage in behaviors that drive them forward. Goals must be reasonable.
One is not going to play pickleball five days a week after the cast comes off a broken leg, for example. However, muscles can be rebuilt and ligaments strengthened enough to walk a certain amount each day. If one or two miles is too strenuous, set the goal at one hundred feet and build from there. Incorporating a healthcare team or behavioral therapists into any plan is a smart choice that enhances safety.
Respect the Body
Generate energy to feed your drive. Incorporate healthy practices. Proper diet, ample sleep, and ongoing exercise all contribute to energy stores, no matter how limited you are. Go for repetition of squats rather than lifting heavy weights, for example, to build core muscles and maintain balance. Seek out appropriate choices to alleviate pain like gentle stretches, meditation, or passive activities like watching birds or enjoying funny movies. Avoid alcohol and drug abuse. Stay flexible and persistent and positive changes will occur over time.
We Need Our People
Engage with others. Research supports the notion that we need other human beings to speak with, as our helpers, as our advisors. Behavioral health therapists are available online or in-person. You may be religious and have a spiritual advisor who is professionally trained to guide you. Volunteering or paid work are always possibilities if you are interested in either.
According to WebMD, people who work past retirement age are healthier and suffer from less dementia. Pick up an old hobby and join a knitting group. Take a class online or in person at a local college. Not everything costs money either. Scheduling activities with friends or acquaintances at adult centers, museums, or public parks can put you in the company of like-minded individuals.
Stay Upright
Falling is a major cause of injury in those of us over age 60. According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, over 3 million people find their way to the emergency room in the United States every year after a fall. Doctors tell those of us over 60 to wear proper footwear, to do balance exercises, and avoid hazards like scatter rugs or racing up or down stairways.
We must do what we can to shore up our ability to deal with what life brings. It does not matter how much we protect ourselves, our vulnerability will show at some point. The more resilience we gain, the more productive we are, and the less dependence we have on others.
Discussion Questions:
What makes you feel vulnerable as you get older? What strategies have you developed to stay emotionally and physically strong?
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