It really hurts when you’ve been betrayed by a man who has lied to you in some way. It betrays your trust which can leave you feeling shaken and unsure about men and your “picker of men” instincts. This can lead you to start second guessing yourself.
You may feel shame for not having seen the signs that something was amiss. Or you may feel angry with yourself for allowing a man into your life who had the capacity to break your heart.
What happens is you stop trusting yourself and the men you meet, making them jump hoops by testing them to prove they aren’t going to hurt you. You begin looking for perfection, which, by the way, doesn’t exist. And you go on dates looking for the person’s flaws because you are thinking no man is ever going to get the best of you again. Right?
Fear is holding you back as you try to keep yourself safe and that’s why I want to share 4 tips that can help you learn to trust yourself – and men – again so you can have the man and relationship in your life you desire.
Tip #1: Healing and Forgiving
When you’ve been hurt, you want to take some time to heal and get back in touch with yourself. It’s painful to think you played a part in attracting someone who could be so bad for you. But you did and the best way to start the healing process is through forgiveness. There is an amazing healing practice called Ho’opononpono that I’ve used with clients to help heal the pain in their hearts.
You repeat 4 simple sentences while focusing on forgiveness…
I love you.
Please forgive me.
You say these 4 phrases over and over again until you feel a release happen. The practice of Ho’opononpono is an amazing story you can check out by clicking here. As long as you hold onto anger towards yourself or a man from your past, you are still connected, and it keeps you from moving forward.
Sometimes, it can be hard to let go of negative feelings. If the Ho’opononpono exercise doesn’t help, you might want to consider reaching out to a therapist who can support you in releasing the negative emotions you’re feeling before you decide to date again.
Tip #2: One Bad Man, Doesn’t Make All Men Bad
I teach my clients to identify how they view the men they want to date using a tool called the Trust Glasses. When you wear what I call the grey stormy pair, it means you are looking at men with the mindset that a man is going to hurt you until he proves otherwise.
Out of fear of getting hurt again, you can end up making him jump hoops to prove his worthiness. This can lead you to losing out on a good connection with a potential partner who might be perfect for you.
Instead, consider wearing what I call the turquoise glasses. These glasses are like a calm ocean where you can see beautiful fish swimming close to the surface, yet you can also see the bottom and any dangers that might be lurking under your feet.
With the turquoise glasses, you go on a date to meet someone new and interesting. You take your time observing how a man acts around you and whether his actions consistently follow his words. Words are cheap. Actions are what count. Men who don’t follow their words with action are the ones who will break your heart.
Tip #3: Really Listen to What a Man Is Saying to You
If a man shares stories about having cheated on his wife or another girlfriend, end it right then and there. This is a huge red flag that spells TROUBLE. If he did it once, he can do it again but this time you’ll be the one who gets hurt.
I can’t tell you the number of clients who tell me in hindsight that they walked right past these types of words thinking this man would never cheat on them, yet he did. Pay attention to a man’s words. If you listen, you’ll know you can trust yourself to make the best decisions for you.
Tip #4: Get Clear on the Values That Are Important to You
For a relationship to work, you need to share the same values. I help clients identify 10-15 values that are important to them when they create their Quality Man Template, a tool that helps them identify the right man for them.
What’s so interesting about this exercise is that, when they look back, they are often shocked at how many values were missing in the men they’d dated in the past. Don’t skip over this. Knowing the values that are important to you will empower you and will help you trust and recognize whether or not you’re with the right man.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Have you been hurt by a man you trusted? How has that worked out for you since? Did the experience turn into constant fear that you can never trust a man again? Or perhaps you think you can’t trust yourself to make good decisions regarding men?