“A pause gives you breathing spaces to listen to the whispers of the real you.”
—Tara Estacaan, Poet
In a world that prizes speed, productivity, and constant connection, the idea of pausing can feel counterintuitive, even ‘bad’ – not just bad behavior, but that I’m a bad person. And as I age, I fear that if I pause, I might just stop all together. But I keep reading that pausing is important, even as we age; that it is not a sign of weakness or laziness, but instead, it is a deliberate choice to create space, restore clarity, and harness my energy more effectively.
What I Learned About Pausing
I’ve watched several TED talks, and read many articles that tell me that pausing, taking time to daydream, or pausing before speaking can not only be helpful, but can actually enhance my life.
A pause, I learned, doesn’t have to mean retreating to a cabin in the woods though sometimes that does sound tempting. Sometimes it’s just a breath before answering a difficult question. Sometimes it’s a walk in nature without music or an audio book, allowing silence to do its work. Sometimes it’s sitting and gazing out into space and having a daydream. Sometimes it’s resisting the urge to fill every gap in conversation, and letting the moment linger.
So, I decided to explore… can taking time to pause actually enhance my life? Can it make me happier, improve my relationships, and/or even re-wire my brain? These are some pretty big claims for just stopping whatever I’m doing and breathing for a few seconds!
Three Times to Make a Pause
As I did a bit of research, I discovered three different significant times to pause:
- In the morning to be intentional.
- During stress and/or conflict
- At positive moments, to savour the good.
The Pause for Intention
“Every intention is a trigger for transformation.”
—Deepak Chopra
Several books I’ve read recently encourage me to live more intentionally; that my intentions can bring transformation. I always thought of goals and intentions as more or less the same thing. But is setting a goal for the day the same as setting an intention? What is the difference between goals and intentions?
I’ve discovered that for me goals feel like I’m pushing toward an external thing, a driving force, like something I push to make happen; whereas intentions feel more internal, like a spark from within that moves me.
A Pause for Intention in the Morning
David Emerald, author of TED – The Empowerment Dynamic, beautifully describes the differences between goals and intentions:
“Goals are focused on the future. Intentions are in the present moment. Goals are a destination or specific achievement. Intentions are lived each day, independent of reaching the goal or destination. Goals are external achievements. Intentions are your inner-relationships with yourself and others.”
Wayne Dyer describes intentions like this:
“Intention is not something you do, but rather a force that exists in the universe as an invisible field of energy – a power that can carry us. It’s the difference between motivation and inspiration. Motivation is when you get hold of an idea and don’t let go of it until you make it a reality. Inspiration is the reverse – when an idea gets hold of you and you feel compelled to let that impulse or energy carry you along.”
Deepak Chopra explains:
“Intention is the starting point of every dream. The sages of India observed thousands of years ago that our destiny is ultimately shaped by our deepest intentions and desires. The classic Vedic text known as the Upanishads declares, ‘You are what your deepest desire is. As your desire is, so is your intention. As your intention is, so is your will. As your will is, so is your deed. As your deed is, so is your destiny.’ An intention is a directed impulse of consciousness that contains the seed form of that which you aim to create.”
So, by pausing each morning, and indeed throughout the day, to listen to that inspiration, focus on the intention, that impulse of consciousness, I am honouring that trigger for transformation.
And as I age, my drive toward achieving goals has lessened dramatically. But because intentions feel more internal, even ‘transformational’, it feels like there is still a spaciousness for that in my life, that I can honor that ‘trigger for transformation.’
The Mindful Pause
“Practice the pause. Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you’re about to react harshly and you’ll avoid doing and saying things you’ll later regret.”
In a podcast I listened to recently, Tara Brach encouraged us to pause when we are feeling stressed or in conflict. Brach explains that one of the main keys that mindfulness offers us in times of conflict and stress is time to pause to help us move from reaction (a knee jerk response to conflict that occurs in the amygdala), and shift the process to the prefrontal cortex.
Brach explains:
“When we feel threatened, part of our evolutionary design is to go into fight, flight or freeze. None of which serve so well when it comes to good communication. Neuroscience research confirms that mindfulness practice improves the brain’s ability to process under stress. It trains us to shift our response away from our primitive, survival reaction, to access more recently developed parts of the brain, in particular, the prefrontal cortex with its capacity for reasoning, flexibility and empathy.”
So, when I’m stressed or in conflict, I can pause and hopefully move away from getting triggered and reactive, and instead choose a more measured response, finding a calm space and empathy.
The Pause to Savor
“The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed.”
—Albert Einstein
In a TED talk I watched recently, ‘Hardwiring Happiness’, Rick Hanson suggested that “we pause to savor the good moments in order to offset our negativity bias.” Our brains have a built-in negativity bias that taught us it was a lot more important to notice, react to, and remember the dangers than it was to savor the good.
That’s because – in the tough environments in which our ancestors lived – if they missed out on a carrot, they usually had a shot at another one later on. But if they failed to avoid a stick – a predator, a natural hazard, or aggression from others of their species then there was no more chances to pass on their genes.
Hanson explained that the negativity bias shows up in lots of ways:
- In a relationship, it typically takes five good interactions to make up for a single bad one.
- People will work much harder to avoid losing $100 than they will work to gain the same amount of money.
- Painful experiences are much more memorable than pleasurable ones.
In effect, our brains are like Velcro for negative experiences, but Teflon for positive ones. This impacts our implicit memory – our underlying expectations, beliefs, action strategies, and mood – in an increasingly negative direction. Research shows that it only takes about 30 seconds to install the good, to let it become part of our implicit memory.
Making the Good Stick
Hanson has three suggestions about how to take in the good and make it stick:
#1. Look for Good Facts, and Turn Them into Good Experiences
Good facts include positive events – like the taste of good coffee or getting an unexpected compliment – and positive aspects of the world and yourself. When you notice something good, let yourself feel good about it. Try to do this at least a half dozen times a day.
Each time takes just 30 seconds or so. It’s private; no one needs to know you are taking in the good. You can do it on the fly in daily life, or at special times of reflection, like just before falling asleep (when the brain is especially receptive to new learning).
#2. Really Enjoy the Good Experience
Most of the time, a good experience is pretty mild, and that’s fine. But try to stay with it for 20 or 30 seconds in a row – instead of getting distracted by something else. As you can, sense that it is filling your body, becoming a rich experience.
As Marc Lewis and other researchers have shown, the longer that something is held in awareness and the more emotionally stimulating it is, the more neurons that fire and thus wire together, and the stronger the trace in memory.
#3. Intend and Sense That the Good Experience Is Sinking into You
People do this in different ways. Some feel it in their body like a warm glow spreading through their chest similar to the warmth of a cup of hot cocoa on a cold wintry day. Others visualize things like a golden syrup sinking down inside, bringing good feelings and soothing old places of hurt. So, when we have an experience and we feel good because of that experience, take time to feel good; pause and let it sink in.
Can We Train Ourselves to Stop?
Of course, pausing is not always easy. It often feels uncomfortable to stop when the world keeps racing forward. It can feel scary to slow down and pause. But I’ve learned that a simple pause really does have incredible power. It’s the inhale before the exhale, the rest between the notes, the stillness that makes movement possible again.
I’m convinced that it will make a powerful difference in my life if I:
- Choose to pause before jumping out of bed to set a simple intention for the day.
- Choose to pause when I’m triggered from anger or stress, to refrain from reacting from my primitive part of my brain and instead choosing a more measured and empathetic response.
- Choose to pause throughout the day to savour the good.
So I invite you to pause today. Take a few moments to think about your day before getting out of bed to start your day. Take a deep breath and even close your eyes when you are feeling anger or stress and give yourself space to choose your response. And pause today to savour the good. I promise you, it will enhance your life.
If you are interested in more articles about pausing to enhance your life, you can find more on my Website or my Substack Page. I love hearing from people, so please let me know your thoughts about how you pause during the day, or any other subject that comes up as you read.
Also read, 3 Reasons Why You Can Stop Setting Goals.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
What kind of pauses do you use to refresh yourself during the day? Do you ever feel like there is just too much to do/not enough time to pause? What is your favorite way to pause and refresh?
