I am known for exposing the “elephant in the living room.” Those things everybody knows but nobody is talking about. Not every mother-daughter relationship reads like a Hallmark card, and our culture makes that a shameful secret to bear.

Dr. Christiane Northrup suggested that the bonding hormones that flood a mother’s blood stream at childbirth stay with women for about 28 years.

It is no accident, then, that the first round of truly adult separation (not teenage rebellion) begins to rear its head somewhere around 30 for women and the menopause years for their mothers. For the first time, the veil begins to lift and we see each other for the women we have become.

When it Comes to Your Adult Children, What is Normal?

Some estimate that 96% of American Families are dysfunctional in some way – making it the norm. But “normal” is not necessarily healthy, and it certainly falls short of the abundant life we’ve been promised.

Women are held responsible for the relational health of the world – at work, at home, family health and wellbeing, the sexuality, the promiscuity, the cause, the cure and the results. When a true perpetrator arises in a family, the mother protects ala Mama Bear. If she doesn’t die trying, she can later become a target.

Mom is apparently the one who knew (or should have known) what was happening at every moment of every day to their children – physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. After all, moms have eyes in the backs of their heads and are equipped with the unusual ability to read minds, right?

What is Healthy When it Comes to Adult Children?

M. Scott Peck wrote, “Mental health is an ongoing process of dedication to reality at all costs.” The pinch point for grandmothers is that any loss of relationship with our adult children means strained relations – if not severed ties – with the grandchildren who now light up our lives.

I am a mother of three and grandmother to 11. I stayed with their father for more than 20 years believing that somehow I could make him feel loved enough to change.

Over time, each of my children has drawn close to me for healing, and pulled away for the same reason. I am, after all, the one they hold responsible for the shifting emotional sand in their psyche.

Ten years ago, I remarried a man whose children were also grown. We imagined that would alleviate the adjustments of step-families. In some ways, not having children in the home made it easier to forge our identity as a married couple.

Although we shared values, we didn’t share history with each others’ children. We each brought our traditions and expectations to bear. When I recently chose to divorce this man who had played “grandpa” to my children’s children, old wounds surfaced.

Had I known that to leave him meant I would lose my only local family, I probably would have stayed for the sake of the grandchildren. It’s that old programming baby boomer women still struggle with.

If something isn’t working, you try harder. Marital problems? Pray more, love more, give more, be patient, and wait it out. Suck it up, stuff it down, be quiet and don’t make waves.

What is Real?

I have identified four distinct stages in the journey to wholeness.

Desperate

Our lives become (or continue to be) a carefully constructed illusion based on how it looks, what people will think, and what we imagine will get us the love and security we so desperately crave.

This is why grandmothers continue to “make peace at all costs” rather than saying what they see, need and want. Some have called it the disease to please.

Distant

Pretending that everything is okay when in our hearts we know that is not true can only go so far. We go along to get along. We smile in public and cry in private. We live a lie, and it eats at our souls every day.

Women think if we ignore it, maybe it will go away or time will heal all wounds. The thing is, time doesn’t heal buried pain. It has to be unearthed and acknowledged before it will pass away. Pain that gets buried alive poisons the rest of our lives.

Divorce

Divorce is a harsh word when applied to our mother-child relationships, isn’t it? But it happens whether we acknowledge it or not. Divorce occurs when all communication has broken down and attempts at reconciliation fail.

It is the most painful dark night of the soul. With divorce comes all the drama of severed relationships, he-said she-said finger pointing, and drama triangles where people talk about each other, but never directly to one another so healing could occur. We might as well lawyer up and some do. It’s called Grandparent Rights.

Done

Last is the place of acceptance. There is no anger, no angst, no more bargaining. It is where we accept what life is handing out right now and the fighting is done.

You have decided what you do and do not want, what you will and will not stand for, and are making decisions to move forward with or without the resolution you may have hoped for. You are free to stay or go because you have become dedicated to reality at all costs.

What’s Next for You and Your Adult Children?

Do I wish I had capacity back then to do some things differently? Definitely. Do I regret what I allowed my children to endure because of the choices I made? Mm-hmm.

Is there anything I can do now to go back and change it? Not a damn thing. Does it serve anyone for me to live in remorse and regret? Nope. Not now, not ever. Never.

Nobody had a perfect childhood – at least nobody in my generational gene pool. We all did the best we could with what we had to work with at the time. That is as true today as it was generations ago.

The biggest healer for women in daughter divorces is to break the shame by breaking the silence. Let’s talk about what’s real and how to help live dreams without drama in our later years.

Where do you find yourself in the process of letting your adult children go? Where are you on the journey to finding yourself in your sixties? Please share your thoughts below!

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Originally posted at: Heather Altman’s Beige Long Cardigan

My best friend was recently forced into an early retirement. While she was within a year of wanting to retire anyway, it came as a bit of shock when her job position was eliminated and she was faced with trying to occupy the hours in the day.

Fortunately, she and her husband had planned for their retirement financially, so she did not need to find another job to supplement their income. However, not much thought had previously been given to what she would do to keep herself occupied during retirement. With retirement thrust upon her so unexpectedly, she felt unprepared, lost, useless and a little depressed.

Each individual faces a unique set of circumstances that dictates how and when they will retire. Some people plan for early retirement, while others feel they will never be able to retire due to financial constraints or health issues.

If you are one of the lucky few who are reasonably well set financially, have good health and little-to-no guardian responsibilities, then you need to embrace retirement as a new phase of life with unlimited possibilities. Develop the attitude that you are indeed lucky!

So much of our lives is spent doing the things we have to do – going to school, learning a trade or skill, earning a living, raising children and caring for the elderly or infirm. We should be shouting from the rooftops when and if we reach retirement with a little money in the bank, healthy and free to choose the rest of our life.

Numerous lists can be found on the Internet for things to do when you are retired. I’ve listed a few of the most popular choices below for your consideration if you are about to retire, new to retirement, depressed that you have nothing to do or are bored with what you are doing.

Travel in Retirement

Go on day trips, cruises, foreign travel or visit each of the contiguous states.

Find Classes

Master a foreign language, grasp computer skills, learn new hobbies or additional ideas for current hobbies.

Learn New Hobbies in Retirement

Too numerous to mention all, but some choices are: drawing, painting, ceramics, sculpture, playing the piano or other musical instrument, singing, knitting, crocheting, needlepoint, quilting, scrapbooking, photography, gardening, cooking, woodworking, genealogy, crafting.

Clean / Declutter

Instead of spring cleaning, do a ‘retirement’ cleaning and organize, simplify and declutter your house.

Volunteer for as Long as Possible

There are diverse groups of organizations that need volunteers to help with their cause and program activities. You could select a cause that is important to you or go to one of many sites on the internet that will match your skills to organizations needing volunteers.

Write! Even if You’re the Only One Who Reads Your Work

Finally, there is time to write that book you always wanted to do, or to set up and manage a blog, write articles to be published in magazines or elsewhere, poems or your memoirs.

Social Organizations

Join meet-up groups that are geared to certain interests or populations. Clubs centered around books, chess, astronomy, or gem and mineral exploration are great opportunities, and so are dating sites.

Remember Your Family in Retirement

Spend more time with family, grandchildren or great-grandchildren. For the older grandchildren, you could attend school and sporting activities, take them to special events, zoos, museums, sports games.

You can offer to babysit the younger grandchildren. Help with their education by reading to them, drilling them on upcoming quizzes, help with special projects and tutor where needed.

Find a Sport

Participate in whatever sport that interests you, such as fishing, hiking, running, swimming, canoeing, kayaking, surfing or scuba diving. If you are looking for something more gentle, try these online yoga classes.

Join a Sports Leagues

Join a sports league to play regularly such sports as bowling, tennis, pickle ball, softball or soccer.

Mentor or Teach

Help schools by tutoring children in reading or math. Teach English to foreign speaking individuals. Help an adult learn to read or if you have special skills developed during your career, mentor young people starting out in the same field.

Reengage with Spiritual Activities

Meditate, learn yoga, and get involved in your church activities.

Stay Fit

Help ward off the diseases that come with old age and sitting by walking, exercising or going to a gym. Many insurance companies offer free gym membership under the Silver Sneakers program.

If you’re not sure whether your insurance company offers Silver Sneakers, you can either call the supplemental insurance company or go to silversneakers.com to find out if you qualify for a free gym membership.

Take an Interest in Reading in Retirement

For some occasional quiet time, sit down with a good book. You can read for enjoyment or learn something new.

Find a Part-time Job

Even if you don’t need the money, sometimes having a little extra spending cash in your pocket lets you buy something you normally wouldn’t. Check some of the internet job sites for companies looking for someone to work a few hours a week.

Take Civic Involvement Seriously

Run for a political office in your community or become an activist for a cause you care about.

Look for Special Events

Go to plays or concerts, watch movies, attend the theatre or special events hosted by your or nearby cities.

Play Games in Retirement

Challenge yourself by playing games against others on the internet. This blog site, Sixty and Me, has numerous games to choose from to play for enjoyment or to keep the mind fresh.

Create a Bucket List

Write down a list of things you’ve always wanted to do, but never could because of time, money, courage or whatever. Set a goal to do, and cross off one thing on the list once a month.

Start a Business

I saved this one for last because starting a business is what I did when faced with the question of “What do I do now that I’m retired?” It was not something I thought about prior to retirement, but I had an idea of a product that I thought would help people and I now had the time to develop it.

Think about what you might be able to offer to the public – a service or a product and research whether it’s something that would sell. Starting a business on the internet is easier than ever and has very little start-up cost associated with it.

What are you planning to do in retirement? Are you finding you have less time to do things now that you are retired. Do you have all your affairs in order? What are some other things to do in retirement that you would like to share? Please join the discussion below!

I just returned from a three-week trip
to northern Spain and Portugal. Every day, every minute, I was living outside
my comfort zone. Granted, I was having a fabulous time, given that I was
encountering new people, places and things, learning about new cultures, food,
and different ways of living life.

Yet, it took me time to adjust and
modify behavior and thought from city to city. The most uncomfortable moments
came with food. I didn’t like the food (I am a plant-based eater), and I
dreaded dinners. But I coped and smiled as my fellow travelers gushed over the
local cuisine.

Travel isn’t easy. Every hotel room
was different. Bus rides from city to city were tiring. Simple movements
like walking and standing provided some discomfort. But we all moved past our
comfort zones and explored an exciting and inspiring part of the world.

If you have ever gone on a blind date,
you’ve been outside your comfort zone. If you’ve ever walked into a happy hour
where you don’t know a soul, you’ve been outside your comfort zone.

If you’ve attended an academic class
that was outside your learning experience (that would be a math class for me),
you’ve been outside your comfort zone. Just think how stressful it is to learn
new technology. Most of us are way out of our comfort zones in that arena.

We all have fears that stop us from
stepping into our potential, into a new and different level of personal
expectations. The comfort zone is a place where fear is minimized so that we
can function at an acceptable level in our daily lives.

However, acceptable can put us to
sleep mentally, physically, emotionally, and socially. We develop a level of
reaction that can flatline and energy depravation takes over. I’ve had
introverted boyfriends that never adjusted to new and different social
situations. It was painful and our relationship never grew.

Let’s take
a different view!

What You Give Up for the Sake of Comfort

You don’t always realize how much you
give up for the sake of comfort. In fact, dedicating your life to the comfort
zone is overrated. Instead of plunging into an exciting life experience, you
retreat, step back, or run from what can be a transformative moment. 

In an effort to minimize your greatest
fears, you can be sacrificing your heart’s deepest desires. In the name of
comfort, you sacrifice potential.

Most great motivational speakers talk
about confronting your deepest fears. Yet, this is precisely where life begins
to take on meaningful experiences as you start the process of transformation.

Easier said than done.

Moving through our fears takes
courage. It might include risk. You could encounter limitations, become intimidated,
and start to retreat, instead of embracing your human potential. 

Breaking Free of Fears

The following are 3 ways to manage
life outside your comfort zone.

Struggle Is Overrated

Most days are filled with stress as
you encounter a myriad of individual inconveniences. Some of these
inconveniences turn into struggles. They get more complicated with time and
negativity settles into your unconscious with a vengeance.

When I taught yoga, I would always
give the following mantra to my students: Struggle is overrated. When
you struggle, you encounter your ego, and that ego gets in the way of staying
present, and being present helps you to feel comfortable in any
environment.

Yesterday, I spent almost 18 hours
trying to download an operating system for my computer and failed. I was devastated.
It turned into a battle with myself. It should have worked. I did exactly what
was told me. And yet, the rules of the tech game failed me.

In my mind, I failed, too, because I
was operating under the delusion that I was using a Mac product, but because I was
out of my comfort zone and not present, I was actually using a PC product.
Obviously, I was far from present. Struggle had won the day.

But struggle is ubiquitous.

I took a walk today, concluding that
everything we encounter probably takes us out of our comfort zone in one way or
another.

The idea is that most struggle comes
from a limited belief system. You want to be expressive, but your mental
functions are limited. Your ego says: It’s risky or dangerous. You’ll be
rejected, or criticized, or you will fail.

The struggle is between an ego that
does not want to expand your mental boundaries and the unleashed desire for
potential. You can’t blame the ego. It’s the job of the ego to keep you safe
and that doesn’t correspond to reaching your full potential, which is
limitless.

Look for the Opportunity

One of my closest friends once said to
me, “Behind every door, there is an opportunity. But to get to the
opportunity, you must understand the possibilities.”

This is when imagination takes over
and change becomes a reality. This is when you begin to see beyond your comfort
zone. You can dare to be comfortable outside the familiar.

Imagine what your life would feel like
if you decided to exercise every morning no matter the weather. You will begin
to see changes that are pleasing. You will begin to see different, more
pleasant results from your actions. It is then you are making choices from
outside your comfort zone. 

You grow stale by making decisions
inside your comfort zone. Sometimes you don’t like your choices. They are
repetitive and uninspiring. In effect, you create a kind of been there, done
that paradigm.

Different results require doing things
differently. That’s what makes life exciting, new, and inspiring. You begin to
realize that the comfort zone is a mental and emotional trap that perpetuates
limited thoughts and feelings daily, weekly, and monthly.

Take a risk and go outside
your comfort zone and discover beliefs and ideas that are new to your
consciousness. 

Be Comfortable with Being Uncomfortable

Anyone who has ever accomplished
anything great has done so with the element of risk – not necessarily physical or emotional
danger, but a risk that makes the ego concerned.

If the ego doesn’t know how to deal
with new situations based on new beliefs, then the prognosis for change and growth
is overtly negative. 

For some people, the idea of doing
something they haven’t done before can be daunting. They might lose control,
find themselves in a negative or compromising situation, have their feelings
hurt, or any number of uncomfortable reactions.

Sure, it is a risk. But the real risk
is to maintain the status quo, and that means no human growth. The results are
unhappiness or worse, depression. 

When life gets uncomfortable, smile,
laugh, find humor, express your truth, project your personality, and go for
it because what have you got to lose? Nothing.

Regroup your belief systems, re-stage
your life, re-orient your mind set. Travel, be curious, be bold. Search for
more exciting possibilities and let your new potential shine through.

What
kind of techniques do you use to manage your emotions when you step outside
your comfort zone? What is your least favorite “outside your comfort
zone” experience? Please share your stories with the community!