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Originally posted at: Heather Gay’s Blue Striped Pajamas

Rearview Mirror is a series born from age, clarity, and the courage to finally say the quiet parts out loud. It’s about looking back not to reopen old wounds, but to understand them. It’s about revisiting the places, people, and moments that shaped us – both the ones that lifted us and the ones that nearly undid us.

These essays are a way of honoring the woman I was, the woman I am, and the generation of women who came of age in workplaces that demanded our silence, our stamina, and our smiles.

With time, the stories settle differently. The meaning sharpens. And what once felt blurry or confusing finally reveals itself in full color. This is where the truths live. This is where we begin.

The Magic World of the Agency

There was a time when the agency’s name carried real magic. In its heyday, this New York powerhouse was where you went to make a career, to learn from legends, to be part of something larger than yourself. And in many ways, I was lucky. I spent a decade inside its glass walls, and some of the friendships I formed there remain among the strongest and most sacred of my life.

The early pioneers of the firm had been considered trailblazers – one of the first to recognize women in an industry ruled almost exclusively by men. That was the story everyone loved to tell. And like all stories told often enough, parts of it were true.

But not all of it.

The Reality Was Different

Looking back with clearer eyes, I can see that my experience – like so many women of my generation – was a study in contradictions. The place could feel exhilarating and alive, and in the same breath, it could crush you. The sexism wasn’t subtle; it lived in the hallways, in the meeting rooms, in the unspoken rules that shaped who mattered and who didn’t.

Age and Looks Built You Up and Brought You Down

Women of a certain age were treated like background characters – polite nods, occasional praise, but kept at arm’s length. Younger women, especially those who fit neatly into the agency’s aesthetic expectations, were fawned over regardless of skill. Their mistakes were forgiven, their shortcomings overlooked, their ambition applauded. The rest of us were expected to be grateful for whatever scraps of recognition fell our way.

The executive floor told the real story. Not a single woman in true power. The few who had the résumé, the strength, the earned authority were dismissed, mocked, sometimes openly insulted. I remember hearing them being called names – the kind of words whispered with a smirk but meant to wound. Yet these were the women we learned from. These were the women who kept the place running.

Women Suffered Quietly

As for the rest of us? We were young enough to be intimidated and trained well enough to stay quiet. Human Resources was not a refuge. Filing a complaint meant giving the alleged harasser a heads-up – confidentiality was a myth. Instead of protection, we were often met with suspicion or thinly veiled annoyance. And once you complained, your career became collateral damage.

Suddenly, you were “difficult,” “emotional,” or “not a team player.” You learned very quickly that surviving meant turning the other cheek, lowering your eyes, and working twice as hard for half the credit.

I watched talented, outspoken, principled women – women who dared to demand respect – be labeled “bitches,” often right to their faces. Meanwhile, powerful men who openly harassed women were rewarded with backslaps and bonuses. When their behavior finally caught up with them and lawsuits loomed, they didn’t fall. They drifted away on soft landings, citing the need to “spend more time with family.” Within months, they were scooped up by rival agencies for astonishing salaries. A clean slate. A fresh start. The freedom only men in power were granted.

At the time, we didn’t have language for what we were surviving. We only knew how it felt: heavy, unfair, demoralizing. But with distance – and hindsight – I can finally name it. And naming it is its own kind of liberation.

This is the beginning of the story. One I’m finally ready to tell.

Standing on the Other Side

What I understand now, standing on the other side of those years, is that my generation laid the groundwork – brick by bruised brick – for the privileges women in the industry rightfully claim today. We didn’t have the vocabulary, the protections, or the solidarity that exist now, but we had something else: persistence.

We showed up. We did the work. We absorbed the blows, challenged the worst of it when we could, and quietly refused to disappear. And though we may not have seen the payoff in real time, our endurance helped shape a world where young women no longer have to choose between their dignity and their careers. I salute every woman today who speaks up, who demands better, who names what we could only hint at. They are the proof that our struggles were not in vain.

The Story I See in the Rearview Mirror

And now, as an older woman looking back – not with regret, but with a clearer, kinder lens – I can finally see the fuller picture. Age gives you a strange kind of vision. It helps you realize that the stories we once carried with shame or confusion were never personal failings; they were cultural fault lines. What we endured shaped us, sharpened us, and, yes, sometimes scarred us. But those same experiences also anchored our resilience and influenced the trajectory of our careers in ways both painful and powerful.

With distance, the narrative changes. The hurt softens, the meaning deepens, and the once-familiar ache becomes a marker of how far we’ve come – not just as individuals, but as a generation of women who did the best we could with what we had. In the rearview mirror, the truth comes into focus: we were not weak for staying, and we were not foolish for believing we could make a change. We were the quiet architects of a better future.

This is the perspective time offers. And this is the story I’m finally ready to tell – not just for myself, but for every woman who lived it, survived it, and helped carve a different path for those who followed.

Questions to Ponder:

What was your career environment as a young woman? Who were your role models? What do you think has changed in the corporate world of today and how did you contribute to that change?

This month, social media brims with everything from pre-lit garland and holiday gift wrap to cheerful DIYs and seasonal excursions as part of Vlogmas. It’s become a festive tradition for many, providing a personal glimpse into others’ lives during “the most wonderful time of the year.”

I first heard about Vlogmas a few years ago but only recently decided to give it a try – my way. While some creators have fancy equipment and a polished approach that’d rival a holiday special, you, too, can make Vlogmas your own. For instance, I’ll be sharing snippets of my December days off camera – where I’m more comfortable – instead of in front of it.

What Exactly Is Vlogmas?

YouTuber Ingrid Nilsen coined the term “Vlogmas” – a combination of “video blog” and “Christmas” – in 2011 as well as the challenge of making a video every day in December leading up to the 25th, sort of like a visual advent calendar.

Over time, Vlogmas has expanded, with people now posting their videos on Facebook – where I’ll be sharing mine – Instagram, TikTok, and even with friends and family privately. Essentially, it’s a digital journal that provides a fun way to be creative and savor the small joys you can share with others. You can capture whatever you want, such as:

• Holiday decorating
• Festive outings
• Cozy rituals
• Baking and cooking
• Gift wrapping
• Party outfits and PJs
• Season-ready pets
• Merry manicures
• Your own reflections
• And more!

Why Participate?

You can start any day in December and do it as often or infrequently as you wish. Purists may prefer to record something daily, counting down to Christmas. Some people plan for the 12 days before Christmas. But the whole point of Vlogmas should be to have fun documenting how you spend the month. (We don’t have to follow rules on how we enjoy the holidays, right?) Need more inspiration?

1. It Celebrates the Small, Meaningful Moments

As we get older, the little things can become the most meaningful, like morning coffee in a favorite mug, the glow of a candle, and the ornaments we’ve trotted out and adored for decades. Vlogmas can help us intentionally notice and capture these special moments.

2. It’s a Fun, Creative Outlet with Zero Pressure

You can make it your own by doing it your way. Film with your phone and keep each video under a minute or go much longer – some vloggers aim for a duration of 20 to 25 minutes. Skip days if you choose. You can experiment and try different things. It doesn’t have to be perfect, and there’s no single “right” way to do it.

3. You Can Be on Camera or Behind the Scenes

While many Vlogmas creators enjoy being in front of their cameras, some never film themselves fully. (Think hands wrapping a present, flipping through a book, brewing tea, focusing on décor, etc.) What you do is completely your choice.

4. It’s a Way to Share Traditions and Memories

Many women use Vlogmas to tell stories. Maybe you’d like to revisit a favorite childhood memory. Or perhaps you’d prefer to share a cherished recipe passed down through generations. Then again, you might wish to let people in on a simple ritual that brings you peace and comfort. These moments become a kind of gift to those who follow you on social media.

5. It Helps You Stay Connected

Providing even a tiny window into your day helps others feel closer to you – children, grandchildren, friends, and even strangers crave warmth in their feed. It can be especially meaningful to those who don’t live close to you and may not be with you for the holidays.

How to Do Vlogmas Without Being on Camera

As I mentioned, I don’t wish to be featured in my videos. While that could change during the process, I’m planning to share things from my point of view (POV) and literally film what I see – an advent “calendar” I’ll open daily, decorations, outings, etc. I know there will likely be some hands-only shots involved, too. If you’d like to do something similar, here are some easy, no-pressure ideas that can work beautifully:

Your POV

Film what you see – your decorated mantle, holiday lights, your neighborhood decked out for the holidays, and anything else that feels merry and bright. Add text or music, and you’re done.

Hands-Only Shots

Some things people love seeing vloggers do include:

• Making tea, coffee, or hot cocoa in festive mugs
• Wrapping gifts
• Placing ornaments on their trees

Cozy Home Clips

Pan across:

• A wreath
• Your nativity set
• Holiday pillows
• Soft blankets
• A snowy window scene – faux or real

Story and Photos

Record your voice telling a short story (30–60 seconds) over:

• A single still image
• Twinkle lights
• A candle
• Your Christmas tree

Most smartphones today have simple editing tools built in, and free apps like Canva or CapCut make it easy to trim clips, add music, or include text if you want to.

Give Yourself Permission to Make Vlogmas Yours

You don’t need a perfect house or flawless lighting, and you don’t have to perform for the camera. You just need a moment each day – or whenever you want – to capture something that sparks joy, even something tiny.

In a season that can feel overwhelming, lonely, emotional, or rushed, Vlogmas can be a gentle reminder to pause and pay attention. And who knows? You might discover a new December tradition you truly love; one that celebrates your voice, your memories, and the magic in your everyday life.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Have you ever participated in Vlogmas or another creativity challenge? What holiday moments bring you the most joy these days? Would you prefer to share your experiences on camera or behind it? Share your thoughts and experiences with our community.

Do you view painful emotions like fear, regret, anger, or sadness as unwelcome intruders – feelings to be avoided, suppressed, and hidden from others?

This self-censorship often takes root in childhood, when we’re taught to downplay our feelings – especially intense ones or those labeled “inappropriate.” I don’t know about you, but in my childhood home, expressions of sadness or tears were discouraged, and displays of anger often resulted in disciplinary action.

And now, as the holiday season unfolds around us, those old patterns can resurface with surprising force.

For many women our age, this time of year becomes an emotional pressure cooker. There’s the grief of empty chairs at the table, the exhaustion of hosting expectations, the complicated dance of family dynamics, the cultural mandate to be merry when we might be feeling anything but.

We’re supposed to radiate gratitude and joy while simultaneously managing disappointment, loneliness, resentment, or the particular sadness that comes with change. No wonder we’re worn out before the decorations even come down.

But what if this season could be different? What if we had a framework for navigating these emotional crosscurrents with more grace and less guilt?

What if we accepted our challenging emotions and those of others? What if we used them as information rather than trying to change them?

What if we viewed them as guides to help us live in alignment with our values and to connect more deeply with others?

The Spirit of Sawubona

This kind of radical acceptance reminds me of a South African greeting that captures something profound about truly seeing each other – and in doing so, helping each other flourish.

The word is Sawubona, which psychologist Susan David, PhD, often references in her groundbreaking work on emotions. It means: “I see you, and by seeing you, I bring you into being.”

But to truly see others, we must first learn to see ourselves fully. In her book Emotional Agility, Dr. David encourages us to embrace all aspects of our inner world, including the parts we might find challenging.

Dr. David introduces us to a liberating perspective: moving beyond labeling our emotions as simply ‘good’ or ‘bad’. Instead, she encourages us to welcome all our thoughts and feelings as valuable parts of our human experience.

“When we reconnect with ourselves – when we compassionately acknowledge our pain – we begin to see ourselves more clearly. We start living from our hearts, not just our heads.” —Susan David, PhD

One of the most potent aspects of emotional agility is its emphasis on self-acceptance. By acknowledging and working with all of our emotions—not just the pleasant ones—we can tap into a rich source of self-understanding and growth.

Four Key Steps

Dr. David outlines four fundamental steps in developing emotional agility:

Showing Up

Face your thoughts and feelings with curiosity and acceptance – yes, even that flash of rage at your sister-in-law’s comment, even that whisper of loneliness on Christmas morning. All of it deserves your gentle attention.

Stepping Out

Create distance between yourself and your emotions. This doesn’t mean detachment but rather the ability to observe your feelings objectively, recognizing that they are temporary states, not permanent traits. That wave of resentment about hosting again? It’s a feeling passing through you, not who you are.

Walking Your Why

Connect with your core values. Use these as a compass to guide your actions and decisions, especially in challenging times. Perhaps you value authenticity over performance, or rest over productivity. Let those truths guide you through December.

Moving On

Make small, deliberate adjustments to align your mindset, motivation, and habits with your values. This involves taking concrete steps towards personal growth and positive change – maybe saying no to one obligation, or being honest when someone asks how you’re really doing.

Finding Your Way

By embracing our whole selves – including our fears, doubts, and struggles – we open the door to greater authenticity, resilience, and a more fulfilling life.

As wise woman Maya Angelou said, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then, when you know better, do better.”

Emotional agility offers a path to knowing and doing better. It’s not about achieving perpetual happiness but rather about developing a more balanced, flexible approach to our emotional lives.

In a world that often emphasizes positivity at all costs, emotional agility reminds us that true wellbeing comes not from avoiding difficult emotions but from learning to dance with them.

So this holiday season, instead of forcing yourself into festive cheer or hiding the parts that don’t fit the greeting card image, try something radical: show up fully, with all your contradictory feelings. The freedom you find there might be the best gift you give yourself all year.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

What emotion have you been trying to hide or manage this holiday season? Which of the four steps of emotional agility speaks to you most right now, and why? If you gave yourself permission to feel everything, what would that free you to do differently?

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Originally posted at: Heather Gay’s Yellow Crochet Cover Up and Skirt