Ever been in a situation like this before?

You don’t pick up the phone in time and when you call the person back, the first words out of your mouth are “I’m sorry.”

You bring store-bought cupcakes to your friend’s party and you utter, “I’m sorry.”

You vent to a good friend about something happening in your life, and you say, “Sorry for rambling.”

Notice the pattern going on?

You’re apologizing. Way too much. And it’s those apologies that are impeding your divorce recovery.

Uncomfortable Truth #1: We’re Raised to Be People-Pleasers

We are natural caregivers. From an early age, you were most likely following your mother around, hoping to help her out, or taking care of your younger siblings. Or, you may have had a parent say to you at one time, “I need you to watch your brother/sister and make sure they don’t get into trouble.”

So, what did you do? Most likely, in order to make your mom “proud” of you, you did everything you could to please her. That mentality probably stuck. You probably worked hard to get good grades to get your parents’ and your teachers’ approval. Because you didn’t want to disappoint them.

That mentality carried over into adulthood. You did everything to be a good partner and a good mother because you didn’t want to disappoint anybody. Society put unrealistic expectations on you to be a Stepford Wife.

You were given a choice to either give up your career to be a stay-at-home mom, never getting paid or recognized for all the work you were doing, or to have a career, where you were still expected to do most of the household and child-rearing work.

And the only way to avoid disappointing others, and to shield yourself from conflict, was to say, “I’m sorry.”

Even when it wasn’t your fault. Or didn’t warrant an apology.

Uncomfortable Truth #2: We Were Never Taught to Put Ourselves First

Can you think of any time when you were growing up that your mom, or dad, or teacher, or some other adult close to you sat you down, and said, “Your dreams and goals matter just as much as anybody else’s. Let your voice be heard.”

Instead, you were probably raised to be obedient and to not make a scene. Which is why, when we get divorced, we feel this crazy unnecessary guilt.

You’ve probably heard the regular, “Oh, what a shame! You two have been married for so long!” Or, “Can’t you find a way to work it out? Your retirement will be so much harder now!”

Ever find yourself saying “I’m sorry” as a response? To keep the peace?

Well, what about your feelings? And your happiness?

If you’re not sure where to even begin with being happy and not paralyzed by guilt, there’s one thing you must do.

Put yourself first for a change.

Here’s what you need to know.

There are dangers to saying “I’m Sorry.”

Danger 1: Frivolous Apologizing Is a Signal That People Can Take Advantage of You

The reflexive apology you say sends the signal to that other person that you’re:

• Willing to accept the blame for something you didn’t do;
• Sending them an invitation to wrong you or disrespect you again, because they don’t have to be held accountable for their actions.

Danger 2: Constantly Apologizing Makes It Harder to Stand Up for Yourself

Even when you’re in a benign situation where you think you’re expressing regret, and you’re not saying “sorry” to keep the peace, there’s still an underlying danger.

Danger 3: Apologizing Puts Somebody Else’s Pain on You

A simple “I’m sorry” may make you feel like you’re making a situation better, but what you’re actually doing is taking that person’s pain and shouldering it for them. That’s not helpful for anyone in that situation, and there are other ways to express support than just apologizing.

Alternatives to “I’m sorry.”

These alternative phrases do double duty in the best way possible. First, they convey the empathy for another person without shouldering their pain. And second, they reinforce your boundaries without giving them up in the name of diffusing conflict or placating someone.

Example #1: If your ex, your current partner, or a friend says they’re angry at something.

Instead of: “I’m sorry.”

Say: “Are you upset at something? Let’s discuss the matter.”

Example #2: When someone is having a hard time.

Instead of: “I’m sorry.”

Say: “It sucks that you’re going through this hard time. Please know that I’m here if you need anything.”

Example #3: You’re 15 minutes late to a meeting.

Instead of: “Sorry I’m so late.”

Say: “Thanks for your patience.”

Example #4: If there is a miscommunication between you and someone.

Instead of: “I’m sorry for bothering you.”

Say: “There seems to be a communication issue here. What can we do to get this back on track?”

Example #5: If you bump into someone or are trying to get through a crowd.

Instead of: “I’m sorry.”

Say: “Excuse me. I need to get through.”

See how that works? You’re acknowledging empathy, but not at the expense of your well-being. Plus, you’re asserting your own needs and internalizing that you matter.

It can be challenging to shake off years of social conditioning. But at the end of the day, remember that you are not responsible for pleasing everybody, especially when it comes at the expense of them disrespecting you and taking advantage of you.

As you recover from divorce, remember that you matter, and that you can express sympathy in ways that are authentic that continue to build you up, not tear you down.

What do you think about apologetic behavior? Do you apologize too much, especially when you don’t need to? What can you say instead of “I’m sorry” next time? Please share your thoughts with our community!

Culture is trending more casual than ever before. Men and women used to dress up just to go downtown and do their shopping. Now – at least in some parts of the world – it’s not at all unusual to see folks shopping in their pajamas.

What comes to your mind when you think of a “casual” outfit? If you think “sloppy,” “thrown together,” or “blasé,” it’s time to redefine this modern style.

Instead, think smart casual. You want an easygoing outfit that’s informal and low-pressure. But you still care about each item in your ensemble. And you’re focused on nailing the fit for a flattering look.

When you find the right upgraded, smart casual style for yourself, you’ll always look modern and stunning – even if you’re wearing a very simple outfit. Here’s how to do it.

Clever Accessories

Something as simple as jeans and a T-shirt can become a striking outfit with the right accessories. Imagine you’re going out for a casual lunch with friends. What can you do to upgrade your basic look while keeping it fun and low-key?

Add Color

Bright accessories that add a pop of color to your outfit instantly transform your style. Instead of matching the color of your clothing, go with a bold complementary hue that stands out. Wearing white? Choose a bright red or cobalt blue accessory. Wearing black? Jewel tones and pastels will look great.

Add Shine

Silver and gold accessories may seem more formal, but they pair well with casual outfits too. A simple gold chain and bracelet combo makes a basic outfit feel more refined. Combine shine and color with a gold chain and gem pendant.

The subtle touch shows you gave forethought to your casual attire and makes you stand out for all the right reasons.

Add Size

Big, bold, chunky accessories are fun and go perfectly with a casual look. Instead of going with multiple understated bracelets, use one with a large band or beads to create a striking look. This is a great opportunity to go bold with color too.

Focus on Fit

Casual shouldn’t mean sloppy. You can look great in a low-key outfit if it fits well and accentuates your natural features.

Unfortunately, this is where many women struggle in their casual style. Finding the right fit can be a never-ending battle – especially if you wear plus size clothing or you prefer a bit more length or coverage. What can you do to focus on fit in your casual wardrobe?

Shop for Fit First

Even if you love the color or cut, it’s never going to look good on you if the fit is wrong. This applies to casual clothes just as much as formal attire. Purchasing clothes that look nice but fit poorly will only add more frustration to your wardrobe.

Know Your Measurements

If you’re shopping online, you need to know your measurements and compare them with sizing guides before you buy. That way you won’t have to deal with disappointing purchases and frustrating returns.

Go Handmade

Cookie cutter sizing leaves most women wearing clothing that doesn’t fit quite right. That’s especially true for plus sizes – they’re often just expanded versions of smaller sizes.

For a better fit, go with boutique plus size designers that work with handmade clothing. Etsy shops are great places to find unique casual plus size clothing.

Make Alterations

Have a few tops, skirts, or dresses that you absolutely love but don’t fit just right? Have them altered locally by a seamstress. That way you can keep wearing your beautiful casual clothing, but it will fit even better and really make you look amazing.

Keep Casual Fun and Easy

Remember, your casual outfits should be fun, easy, and beautiful. You deserve to feel gorgeous everyday, not just when you’re heading to a formal event.

Use these tips to upgrade your casual attire while staying true to its low-key nature. With just a few touches, you can turn even simple ensembles into an opportunity to show off your beautiful, unique style.

When do you go casual? How do you upgrade your casual outfits? What striking accessories do you use most often to spark up a casual outfit? Please share in the comments below.

Raquel Leviss’ Foundation

Vanderpump Rules Season 8 Episode 6 Makeup

While I was bummed that I wasn’t able to gather any good makeup tidbits on the Vanderpump Rules trip to Miami (that is normally when they pop up because sans BH, no one is using an MUA on vacay and they have normally packed their personal faves), I was pleasantly surprised to recognize Raquel’s foundation while she was getting ready for Pride.

Raquel is actually using one of my favorite foundations, which I generally buy for a treat as it’s pretty pricey. Which reminds me, I think it’s about time I do something for myself.

Warning: Though it can be sprayed directly on your face for full coverage, it definitely won’t cover up being late for work on Pride. 

The Realest Housewife,

Big Blonde Hair

Click Here to Shop her Dior Airflash Foundation

Originally posted at: Raquel Leviss’ Foundation

Raquel Leviss’ Denim Tie Romper at Villa Rosa

Vanderpump Rules Season 8 Episode 6 Fashion

Raquel Leviss’ denim tie romper at Villa Rosa is so adorable, much like it’s owner. I swear though, she has some savage fans because a few months back I left her photo out of a Vanderpump Rules cast collage on the ‘Gram (for aesthetics btw, I needed an even number, duh) and I heard alllll about it in the comments from many of her fans. So my advice is scroll and shop quickly before the *Leviss-lovers scoop up all of the stock of this sweet style.

*I mean it’s no Swifties or Beyhive, but I did try. 

The Realest Housewife,

Big Blonde Hair

Click Here to Shop her Blue Blush Romper

Originally posted at: Raquel Leviss’ Denim Tie Romper

For most of our lives, retirement is a distant dream. It is the mirage in the desert that keeps us moving forward, one tired step at a time.

In our younger years, we look at retired folks with a mixture of jealousy and pity. On the one hand, we envy the freedom that we imagine must come from not having to go to work. On the other hand, we fear the wrinkles, stiff joints and sometimes fuzzy memories of our grandparents.

Then, as we reach our 50s and 60s, reality sets in and, unless we are among the “lucky” (well prepared!) few who are sitting on a mountain of gold, we start to fear retirement as much as we look forward to it.

Oh, don’t get me wrong… we still look forward to having more time to ourselves. We still fantasize about traveling, going back to school, pursuing our hobbies and (gasp!) maybe just relaxing in front of the TV on a Tuesday afternoon with a beer in one hand and the Sunday newspaper in the other.

But, here’s the dirty secret that most people never discover until it is too late… retirement, for most people, is nothing like they imagine! And, it is certainly nothing like it is portrayed on TV and in the movies.

It’s not only the decline in our income that catches us by surprise; it is also the lack of social stimulation, difficulty finding meaning and worries about the future that hit us harder than we could imagine.

So, after talking with hundreds of retirees, I started to wonder why more of us don’t take a “practice retirement” in our 50s or 60s. Perhaps, if we faced out future now, we would take steps to change it.

Sound intriguing? Later in this article, I will give two possible ways to take a “Practice Retirement.” But, first, let’s quickly explore what a practice retirement is and how taking one can improve your future.

What is a Practice Retirement?

The concept of a practice retirement is simple. You set aside some time, be it several weeks or months, to live as you would in retirement.

This means that you try, as much as possible, to create the financial, social and practical environment that you will face in your retirement years.

For example, you might begin by calculating how much monthly income you expect to receive from all of your assets, including investments, Social Security and any pensions that you own. Then, you would limit your outgoings to this amount for the course of your practice retirement.

If you are able to take some time away from work for your practice retirement (see option 2 below), you might also try to recreate the social environment that you are likely to face in your later years.

By the end of your practice retirement, you should have a much better picture of your level of preparedness. And, maybe your experience will raise some important topics to discuss with your partner, financial advisor, boss and friends.

So, how can you set up your own practice retirement? There are two ways, each with their opportunities and challenges.

Practice Retirement Option 1: The Marathon

The first option that you have is to keep your life pretty much the way it is now and simply limit your budget to a post-retirement level. In this scenario, you would continue to get up and go to work every day and spend time with your work friends. You would simply adjust your budget.

The advantage of this approach is that it allows you to track your spending and live on your post-retirement budget for a long time. I even know people who have practiced this approach for a year (or more!)

The disadvantage of this approach is that it only gives you insights into one aspect of your retirement – your financial situation. It won’t tell you anything about your social situation, hobbies or mission.

Practice Retirement Option 2: The Sprint

Another option is to take a long vacation (preferably more than a month) and try to replicate, as much as possible, what your post-retirement life will be like.

In my experience, this is a difficult approach to take because most people treat their short practice retirement as a long holiday. For example, they spend way more than they actually would in an average month.

So, the trick here is to limit yourself financially and socially to match the situation that you could expect to face in retirement. Unless you have enough money to travel every month, don’t travel. The goal here is to get an accurate view of your future, not to have one big party.

The advantage of this approach is that, when done correctly, it allows you to get a 360-degree view of your future – financial, social and emotional.

The disadvantage of taking a short “sprint” practice retirement is that it has the tendency to paint an unrealistically rosy picture of your future unless you are unusually disciplined.

At the end of the day, any form of practice retirement that you take can help you to plan your future. Personally, I wish that I had used both of the above approached before I left my corporate job. If I had, I would have avoided many painful situations in the first years on my own.

Have you ever thought about taking a practice retirement? Why or why not?