Author: Admin01

It’s not looking good for them.

For many of us, our tank feels full of advice on how to live with meaning, be happier, healthier, and think positively. I’m one of those authors who writes about it! After reading 14 books on positive aging, I can confirm the tank is full. And the books keep coming.

The reality is that, as important as all the counsel is to our well-being, we do get older. That process started at ground zero when we were born and will not stop until we do.

So, my question to you is, “How do you navigate the realities of getting older with the desire to make your life the best possible?” Alternatively, “What do you expect if you attend to nurturing in yourself the habits linked to aging well?”

We Do Not Fail at Aging

Researchers and authors can leave us believing that if we think positively enough, surround ourselves with enough community and love, and live a purpose-driven life, we will waltz through our old age hardly missing a step. Don’t forget to reduce stress, eat a Mediterranean Diet, exercise an hour a day, and sleep soundly! There are a few researchers out there focused on living forever using the wonders of medical science.

If you are like me, it is easy to feel like a failure at all of this if I feel tired, or worry about going down steps, or need to adjust activities due to arthritis, for example. Do I get an F for the year because I had my shoulder replaced? Have I failed at aging well? What about you? What do you think when you experience age-related issues?

Frankly, we need to be clear that by following all the good guidance we are not stopping the aging process. We simply are helping to make each moment the best it can be. To believe otherwise is a kind of agism much like the illusion of ‘anti-aging’ products and services. We know there is no such thing.

Positive aging includes managing our expectations. We don’t assume inevitable decline. When we take care of ourselves, we are not resisting decline, we are managing it. We are focusing on our strengths and being resourceful about navigating any limitations.

So, we may not “waltz” through our old age. We may find other forms of dancing that work better for us as we go.

We Are Partners with Aging

We wake up each day being who we are and feeling how we feel. Then, we make choices. We can listen to what our bodies are telling us and adapt. In doing so, we are basing our actions on our truth and not a fabricated vision of what ‘ought to be’. That does not mean we ignore all the valuable advice about aging well that we are privileged to know. We keep it in mind and approach it our way.

Start the Day with Noticing

What if you begin your day by noticing how you feel physically and mentally? Then, choose the direction of your day from there, at least to the degree you can. Does tango feel right? Or perhaps it is a waltz time for you, or a two-step kind of day. For example, I may have a workout, baking, writing, and gardening on my list for the day. If my energy is low, that list may feel overwhelming. So, instead I walk with a friend, write and then putter in the garden.

Perhaps, like my husband, an arthritic knee is acting up. He will choose to ride his bike rather than walk. Or, like one of my clients who is known to volunteer when asked. At one point, she just did not have the energy for one more committee/task. So, she said, “No.”

Don’t Ignore Your Body’s Feedback

Sometimes our body does not whisper, it shouts. A good friend in her 80’s recently survived pulmonary embolism. It has changed her life for now. She is making gradual progress toward being able to live as she had before. Her gratitude for being alive is remarkable.

To want to be as happy and well as possible is worthy of our attention. So, it is worth understanding what nurtures happiness and wellness. At the same time, over the years we need to adapt how we approach that. If one setback happens, that does not mean that our quest to live well is over in all ways. It means that it is time to adapt and continue to flourish in the ways that are possible at this moment.

The key is to hold a positive vision for what we want for ourselves in the future. That is our forward momentum, no matter what the circumstances of today. We are dancing with our personal aging process.

Be Happy to Be Here

What matters is that we are here and have the blessing of being our age. Centenarians often talk about gratitude and what enlivens them, in contrast with focusing on what is wrong. A great example of this is found in the book by Sister Jean, who recently died at 106. Her focus was on serving her Loyola basketball team, right up until the end, as their Chaplain. In her way, she danced with them even from her wheelchair on the sidelines.

It is a matter of focusing on what we can influence. By now, we have learned that believing we have full control is an illusion. To influence aging well, it is important to keep dancing. Simply adjust the dance when you need to.

Let’s Reflect:

How have you adjusted to physical changes over the years? Do you think you should be able to control your aging process more or are you more focused on influencing it as much as you can? What is your reaction to all the advice about how to age well?

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I am a single mom of two adult men. I’ve been a single mom their entire life, so it has been hard for me to transition to “letting go.” It has been easier with the eldest (because I assumed he didn’t need me anymore), but harder with the youngest.

I Was Having a Hard Time Letting Go

Sometimes I’m losing on both ends as the youngest is always complaining that I am in his business “too much” and telling him what to do. The eldest gets upset because I am not as attentive to his needs for comfort and advice.

What Did I Do to Change Our Relationship?

Listen.

I have learned a lot from listening to my youngest son teach me and show me how to parent him. He is vocal and frequent. He is a faith abounding young man that has shown me that the Lord is in control of his life, and not me. Furthermore, he has shown me I can trust him because I have raised him to know the Lord. And he and the Lord are one. 

The eldest son told me bluntly that I don’t listen and provide advice in a manner that befits his personality. That particular conversation resulted in me hearing him loud and clear. Why? Because I was listening to him versus my usual passive pretend-listening. He told me what he needed and what he didn’t need. From that moment on, we’ve had a much better relationship.

Here Are a Few Steps to Take to Help You

Pray

Pray and pray frequently and be specific about your needs. This is a marathon not a sprint.

Be Present

If they are trying to talk to you while you are busy – choose to tell them you will return the call, or stop what you are doing and put them first. Yes, that is not always possible right away. You know your children, if it sounds like it’s urgent, then make it urgent for you. All children, small, teens or adults want to know that you are choosing them.

Know Each Child

Know the character of your children. One child is not like the other child. Each has their own character. Therefore, it will help you have a better relationship with each child by treating them as an individual. 

Actively Listen

My sons know when I have “heard” them or when I’m passively listening. They act according to my behavior. If I’m dismissive of what they are telling me, I may have to deal with a person that doesn’t want to share anything with me and/or I’m not their priority. 

Show That You Care

Be willing to change your plans to show that you love and care. We are to show others that we love and care for them, and the best way to show that is by acknowledging them through action.

How Did Showing Love Benefit Me as a Parent?

My eldest son was going through a rough time with multiple trials, and he needed me to travel to his home to be there with him. He wanted to pay for my trip to be there. I remember how unloving I was because I didn’t want to leave the comfort of my home to travel to his home. Stubbornly, I didn’t want to make any changes in my life to be there.

I felt that I could have helped him where I was in my own home, over the telephone and video call. Finally, I relented and took the train to visit my son and his family. After spending a week with them, I knew I needed to be there. He needed his mom. I spent a lot of time in his presence with him and his family. As a result, our relationship has grown closer because I was there at a pivotal time in his life.

Changing my behavior resulted in my sons wanting me to spend time with them.

Love is the key to all things. 

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Do you have a tough relationship with your adult children? Have you tried to actively listen to them? What are you willing to do to have a better relationship with your adult children?